Her head throbs yet again. Sometimes she just lies down silently, engulfed by darkness whilst focusing her thoughts into what she could say, or what she should have said. The word "idiot" seems to spring to mind a lot. Oh girl, what do you know? Only twenty-two and you've lived too many lifetimes.

It's those nights when she relishes in listening to calm breaths, breathing in and out. She doesn't need to think of anything else, right now nothing else matters. It's happening now and that's all she needs to know. It was a heavy start to the day, her grogginess never failing her. Coffee. Coffee. Caffeine seems to be the only way she'll stay awake through the day. There are all these questions piling up in her mind and she's wondering why everyone is tormenting her. The word "perplexed" doesn't even begin to explain what she's feeling right now. Her MSN, facebook, BBM, yahoo!, flickr accounts all seem to have messages from various people. The simple question is, why? Why now?

She swore never to open those pages of love&lust again, and yet there she is -- reliving her old memories. Oh idiot. Sometimes, sometimes.. it's probably a good idea to let the truth out. What is the truth though? How can you be sure what is real? She's not sure if this is what she wants to feel, or is this a way of making her feel better -- for now. A temporary solution? Or will this be another way to break her heart again?

Oh idiot.

What do you know?

I think that's the word that can explain how I feel right now. I am tired. I have a headache. My nose is runny. My eyes are blurry. My body doesn't hurt and I guess that means I didn't work out as much as I would have wanted to. I'd drag my ass to the swimming pool but with a headache and runny nose, I don't think that's much of a good idea. I am breaking out on my skin. I'm all blotchy and red everywhere. I have bruises on my legs and places I really ought to not talk about. I am complaining. This is a complaint.

I am sick of my life right now. I am sick of working so hard. I am sick of missing out on things I wish I could do. I am sick of being broke and I blame myself for being unable to control my freaking finances.

Anyway.

My classes have all officially ended well before the Easter break had begun. I spent my Easter visiting my sister and hanging out with my friends. That, at the time, hadn't been productive because there were days when we'd just sleep in all the way to 4pm only to go to bed about six hours later. Though I think those were the days I enjoyed the most -- where I didn't have to think about anything. I just could do nothing and still have fun. At the end of Easter, that's when all the engines had to start running. That's when gears had to start churning, fingers crossed and loads of praying to God to help me get through this part of my life without a hitch. My first semester results had come out back in March and they were pleasing but who am I to predict how well I did in my second semester?

I suppose I ought to start thinking about my future and where I ought to go, what I ought to do and what is to become of me. I've avoided it for most of the four years I've been here. And I am being constantly pressurized to come home. If I'm honest, I'm not ready to go back. Not for a while. I like my life here. I like how no one has any control over what I do and I get to make my own decisions. What I don't like about being home is all the responsibility of being the "right" person.

What I mean by that.. please don't take it as a negative thing. It's just that back home there's an expectancy of who you're suppose to be, of what you're suppose to be. I don't know if I can live up to these expectations. I don't know if I want to live to these expectations. I don't need to do that here. I take pride in the fact that I am what I am, and not who others expect me to be.

I don't mean to feel this way but with his constant baggering about telling me to come home, that I should be at home with him.. it's just not positively effecting me very well. I don't like it. I don't like the idea of not being supported in the things I'd like to do. I don't like the idea of doing something just because someone tells me to. In fact, I do most of the things I do out of choice. I tend to stop when someone actually tells me to do something, even if I'm in the middle of doing it.

I know. I'm weird.

talk later.
-y

So, what exactly are you letting go of? How can a person simply let another go? I wonder aroud my thoughts, idleness seems to fill me up and here I am, yet again, doing nothing. My brain refuses to co-operate and time seems to have flown like a crashing plane. Fortunately, I no longer have classes to attend.. just in need to gear my brain up for my final project (of which, the planning outline I am yet to start.. sigh) and prepare for my so-called group project presentation -- of which I am currently useless at. I have overdue photos on my camera that I haven't gotten around to uploading, and have discovered that my mum has facebook~ It's almost one a.m. and I'm thinking about ways of trying to wake my boyfriend who is on the other side of the world.

I have turned twenty-two. I feel indifferent to what I was when I was eighteen. I still act like a child. I think like a child. Let's hope that I never need to grow up. And my birthday presents will always be as awesome as they have been for the past few years. My own highlight being me buying a necklace from Irish -- of which I have been wearing everyday :-) Yay me.

I am outshopped and broke as always. The phone bill has finally arrived, and ladies and gents -- long distance relationships suck if you don't know how to make them work. Especially if you have a man who will willingly not call/text you for days at a time.

Anyway. I am done.
x

Dear MAMA,
Hari tu min pegi ke kent.. it took me almost FOUR hours to drive with three boys who talked about more girls than I could handle because I realise, although most of my friends are guys, I, myself, am a girl..and sometimes some things should never be discussed among the different sexes.

Anyway, I didn't meet Ella until well into the day -- I arrived about 2pm and she still hadn't finished the essay that was due in at 4pm. So instead of driving straight to her place, I drove to Taufiq's sister's place instead where we lounged on the grass before finally moving on by driving into their very very quaint city.

Around 3pm, I went to get Iyra at the city's bus station. My friends took us to eat at this cute little cafe called Rocco's. Ella only met up with us at 4pm once she was done passing her papers up. We took Iyra to this pet shop that Taufiq and I visited last year that had a HUGE python just lying on the floor but it wasn't there that day. I was so utterly dissappointed.

That evening I drove the three of us to Asda where we bought loads and loads of food..and I made them nasi lemak. The next day I cooked breakfast, i.e. pancakes.. and then we took a bus to the city to roam around a bit. We visited a beautiful garden next to a moat (lol) and took photos. The flowers smelt lovely. Iyra was suppose to leave that very day, but fortunately for my negotiating skills and Ella's powerful method of persuastion, Iyra decided to stay another night so I made lamb masak kicap :] that was very yumm.

In the morning, Ella made omelettes for breakfast with corned beef XD I would have enjoyed it more thoroughly if I hadn't eaten two bowls of rice and left over lamb from the night before. In fact, I think I over ate. We also made loads and loads of muffins before I could actually leave the house. Ella decided that she wanted to eat oysters so we drove to a seaside area called Whitstable where we shared a dozen oysters and ate whelks. yum. Iyra took lots and lots of photos of the food because she wanted to make her sisters jealous (and possibly feel guilty because they weren't there to share our wonderful experiences. haha

Anyway, at the end of the day.. I went to pick Taufiq and Haziq up from Hanim's place (that's Taufiq's sister's name by the way) where they took forever to get ready. We left at 8pm and only arrived back in Loughborough around 1am because we stopped at a lot of services. LOL. When we did eventually arrive in Loughborough, we drove to Mustanir's..and I drove us to Tesco where we didn't buy anything but Mus did buy a tub of ice cream. I finally got home at 3am and then slept until 8am then drove to return the car I rented.. heehee

and here I am. Watching my boys and nazi play ddr.

love,
yas.