I think something is really wrong with me.. in the head. I have a life that doesn't have much missing from it, but I feel like something is missing, like I'm not satisfied. I have an every normal day life. I have no problems, but for some reason every time I come home or if it's after school, I'm just pissed. I feel like crying so much, but I'm always scared that I'll just stay crying.. and sides, I have no place to just sit alone and cry.. and when I am sitting alone.. like a perfect moment to just cry, I just don't want too.. cause I'm scared that, when I need someone there.. no one's there.
I feel like I need help, I need to talk to someone who I can really express my feelings to, but not my mother, not my sister.. not anyone. I just smile and tell them I'm alright, but inside.. I just feel like my heart is being dip in a cup full of warm blood. Sometimes I feel like grabbing a cutter and cut myself. Sharp things are better to cut yourself with other than blunt objects, it just hurts too much. When I already have the cutter in my hand, all ready to just cut myself, I throw it back in where I found it 'cause something in my head tells me.. no.. someone is gonna be there, you just gotta wait.. I believe it. Then I think about who am I gonna hurt when I cut myself.. what promise that I made that I'll break when I just let that blade go through my skin. I don't wanna hurt anyone.. I just wanna hurt myself, let the blood flow down my arm. Just to remind myself.. what hurts more.. my arm.. or my broken soul. I see life in a good way, so why can't I just feel good about myself? why can't I just go home every night and be blessed to see another day. I love living. I really do. but I feel like.. you know how it feels when you got a test and you don't wanna do it.. but then.. it's like.. the earlier the test is the better. Just get the thing over with. Like when you have to do a play. Let's get it over with.. well that's how I feel with life. Just get over with it. I'm not suicidal or anything. I just.. want this to end.
Sometimes I don't even think I recognize myself in the mirror. When I see one, the only thing I wanna do is stare into it and when I do, I know that’s me.. but something else tells me it isn't. It's my imagination. I just gotta get away from it, cause I feel like I'm in a trance just staring at myself. It's weird I know and no.. It isn't cause I'm vain. Have you looked at yourself lately? Like really looked at yourself. Could you see the difference? Could you tell it's you? I remembered when I was a kid. I looked into the mirror and I see me. I feel like, there were no such things as mirrors back then. I try to remember what I felt when I saw myself in the mirror, but I can't even remember a single moment. I touch my face as I looked into mirror, reminding me, this is reality. What I see is real.. what I touch is real.. but what I feel.. It just seems like a dream.
One of the worst thing I find in life, and it will always, always end up heart breaking is expectations. You expect this person would treat you the same but then.. they don't and it just really, really makes you feel low, but they can really surprise you. When you expect this person not to give a damn about you.. it turns out they do, but you just don't know. For me, last time I thought that my friend just didn't really care much, when I started walking off. I was really upset.. I didn't wanna look back but when I did, I didn't see her there, which actually hurt much more. I really hate being alone when I'm upset.. I really do.. It's only cause when I was a kid I use to think your friends would just come an comfort you.. but when I cried.. no one came. I just sat alone.. but then I heard that she fell when she tried to come after me. I felt guilty cause of that. I just wished I saw it. Then I could tell myself.. I really do have a friend who cares.
Are you one of those people, who like.. when you like something, the only way for you to get over it.. is to just stop your self from doing it, just like that.. or you'll have to do it over and over again till you get over it. I guess I'm much of the "Just stop yourself from doing it, just like that" type. It's like, the only way I wanna get over something I guess. I don't get tired of anything.. I don't know why. Sometimes I wish I was. I try avoiding people or things that I'm close with. I think it's so that I could remind myself not to get too close, cause I might get hurt.. heard that expression before? Don't get to close, cause you might get hurt.. I don't think it's a might anymore for me. It's a will, I will get hurt. I try to avoid, but I just gotta go talk to them or something. Then again, when you get to close to someone, I guess you can label yourself as annoying. That's one thing I don't wanna be. The annoying person. So yea.. it's true.. Don't get to close, cause you will get hurt.
I can't wait to get out of this place. Just get high school over with and go get your education from somewhere else or better yet.. just get out once I get some exams over with. Not like anyone is gonna notice that I'm gone right? I guess they will, but I don't think it's much difference. Do exams, get it over and pack up and go. I wanna get out of here, like next year and just study somewhere else for a while. For a year or so.. I don't care. Just get me out of this place for one year. That's all I'm asking. One year. I just wanna forget and start new.. like I always do. Get out of the place and be another personality. Go somewhere where no one knows me. I know, I'm just running away with my problems and thoughts, but I just need to get away. It feels like there's something out there, waiting for me. A bigger opportunity. A bigger chance. A bigger meaning.
Some people write what they feel, some just say it. People really do have a different way of expressing themselves and those who can't express themselves with words, they just find another way to express them selves. For me, sometimes it's through poetry but mostly I just sing. Whatever mood I'm in, a song just plays in my head and I just sing it out. I thought by now people could probably tell that I'm singing this song because that's what I feel. I don't usually listen to pop songs but Plus one - I need a miracle, is really one of some songs that I feel all the time. It's one of the things that really inspire me to write songs, but I could never write any. It's cause I keep forgetting the tune. The main reason why I wanna learn the guitar. That way I can just write down the chords and put lyrics in it. To express what I feel. Then that way.. maybe people will one day can really figure me out.
I need help.. I need someone to just come up to me and just tell me that they care when I'm really down.. I want them to say it without actually saying the word "I care." As always.. it won't happen. It just won't be said.
Yours Truly,
Nayt
You're so close, but I feel like you're a world away
Can you feel it in my stare?
Can you tell I need you to care..
For me..
For me.
I feel like I need help, I need to talk to someone who I can really express my feelings to, but not my mother, not my sister.. not anyone. I just smile and tell them I'm alright, but inside.. I just feel like my heart is being dip in a cup full of warm blood. Sometimes I feel like grabbing a cutter and cut myself. Sharp things are better to cut yourself with other than blunt objects, it just hurts too much. When I already have the cutter in my hand, all ready to just cut myself, I throw it back in where I found it 'cause something in my head tells me.. no.. someone is gonna be there, you just gotta wait.. I believe it. Then I think about who am I gonna hurt when I cut myself.. what promise that I made that I'll break when I just let that blade go through my skin. I don't wanna hurt anyone.. I just wanna hurt myself, let the blood flow down my arm. Just to remind myself.. what hurts more.. my arm.. or my broken soul. I see life in a good way, so why can't I just feel good about myself? why can't I just go home every night and be blessed to see another day. I love living. I really do. but I feel like.. you know how it feels when you got a test and you don't wanna do it.. but then.. it's like.. the earlier the test is the better. Just get the thing over with. Like when you have to do a play. Let's get it over with.. well that's how I feel with life. Just get over with it. I'm not suicidal or anything. I just.. want this to end.
Sometimes I don't even think I recognize myself in the mirror. When I see one, the only thing I wanna do is stare into it and when I do, I know that’s me.. but something else tells me it isn't. It's my imagination. I just gotta get away from it, cause I feel like I'm in a trance just staring at myself. It's weird I know and no.. It isn't cause I'm vain. Have you looked at yourself lately? Like really looked at yourself. Could you see the difference? Could you tell it's you? I remembered when I was a kid. I looked into the mirror and I see me. I feel like, there were no such things as mirrors back then. I try to remember what I felt when I saw myself in the mirror, but I can't even remember a single moment. I touch my face as I looked into mirror, reminding me, this is reality. What I see is real.. what I touch is real.. but what I feel.. It just seems like a dream.
One of the worst thing I find in life, and it will always, always end up heart breaking is expectations. You expect this person would treat you the same but then.. they don't and it just really, really makes you feel low, but they can really surprise you. When you expect this person not to give a damn about you.. it turns out they do, but you just don't know. For me, last time I thought that my friend just didn't really care much, when I started walking off. I was really upset.. I didn't wanna look back but when I did, I didn't see her there, which actually hurt much more. I really hate being alone when I'm upset.. I really do.. It's only cause when I was a kid I use to think your friends would just come an comfort you.. but when I cried.. no one came. I just sat alone.. but then I heard that she fell when she tried to come after me. I felt guilty cause of that. I just wished I saw it. Then I could tell myself.. I really do have a friend who cares.
Are you one of those people, who like.. when you like something, the only way for you to get over it.. is to just stop your self from doing it, just like that.. or you'll have to do it over and over again till you get over it. I guess I'm much of the "Just stop yourself from doing it, just like that" type. It's like, the only way I wanna get over something I guess. I don't get tired of anything.. I don't know why. Sometimes I wish I was. I try avoiding people or things that I'm close with. I think it's so that I could remind myself not to get too close, cause I might get hurt.. heard that expression before? Don't get to close, cause you might get hurt.. I don't think it's a might anymore for me. It's a will, I will get hurt. I try to avoid, but I just gotta go talk to them or something. Then again, when you get to close to someone, I guess you can label yourself as annoying. That's one thing I don't wanna be. The annoying person. So yea.. it's true.. Don't get to close, cause you will get hurt.
I can't wait to get out of this place. Just get high school over with and go get your education from somewhere else or better yet.. just get out once I get some exams over with. Not like anyone is gonna notice that I'm gone right? I guess they will, but I don't think it's much difference. Do exams, get it over and pack up and go. I wanna get out of here, like next year and just study somewhere else for a while. For a year or so.. I don't care. Just get me out of this place for one year. That's all I'm asking. One year. I just wanna forget and start new.. like I always do. Get out of the place and be another personality. Go somewhere where no one knows me. I know, I'm just running away with my problems and thoughts, but I just need to get away. It feels like there's something out there, waiting for me. A bigger opportunity. A bigger chance. A bigger meaning.
Some people write what they feel, some just say it. People really do have a different way of expressing themselves and those who can't express themselves with words, they just find another way to express them selves. For me, sometimes it's through poetry but mostly I just sing. Whatever mood I'm in, a song just plays in my head and I just sing it out. I thought by now people could probably tell that I'm singing this song because that's what I feel. I don't usually listen to pop songs but Plus one - I need a miracle, is really one of some songs that I feel all the time. It's one of the things that really inspire me to write songs, but I could never write any. It's cause I keep forgetting the tune. The main reason why I wanna learn the guitar. That way I can just write down the chords and put lyrics in it. To express what I feel. Then that way.. maybe people will one day can really figure me out.
I need help.. I need someone to just come up to me and just tell me that they care when I'm really down.. I want them to say it without actually saying the word "I care." As always.. it won't happen. It just won't be said.
Yours Truly,
Nayt
You're so close, but I feel like you're a world away
Can you feel it in my stare?
Can you tell I need you to care..
For me..
For me.
posted by Nayt at 10:39 PM 0 commentss
Post a Comment