It's just gotta be a stage right? When you feel like hell for no reason at all... it's just a stage right? What if it isn't? What would you do?

When I start saying what I feel.. people do listen but I don't think they'd understand. That's why I choose to put mine on the net, cause that way I can just write whatever I want, whatever comes into my head.. what ever comes out of my heart and lately.. everything seems to be so confusing. I can hardly understand what's happening in this world anymore. Why can't I just be a kid and be so carefree.. forget about the world.. the only thing that matters is what toy I get and what happens now. If only I can just get pass my high school years and go out in the real world. Feel more of its pain and then just die slowly.. painfully. So as my soul slowly goes through my fingertips.. everything that gave me pain, everything that I dreamed of that never came true, everyone that I loved that I gave pain to.. I'd think about it over and over in my head and in the end.. I'd think of something that made me smile.. but I couldn't do the same for them.

I rather die painfully than not dieing painfully.. just to remind myself how much the world hurts and why I want my life to just pass by.. like a breeze. If only you could just walk on a path and everywhere you look, it's one of god's beautiful creation. I just wanna walk.. and keep on walking till my feet get tired and then I'd go to sleep.. go to sleep forever.. that's be a nice way of leaving the world.. I wish I could go like that.. but I prefer the first choice. It doesn't matter really. I have way to many thoughts about how I could die.. and I try to draw all of them, but my hand couldn't move the pencil once I pick it up. My hand shakes but then the imagination fades away.. as if.. It was forbidden to draw what was in my head. Seems like what's kept in there has to remain a mystery to the world forever.

Don't you just hate it when your bestest friend cries and you just can't do anything about it? There's a big difference when it comes to hearing them cry and seeing them cry. Seeing them cry is enough to crumble your world and it makes it much worst when you can't do anything. Your just sitting there and you can't think of anything to say or anything to do.. but just sit there. Before I knew she was crying.. I sort of felt that she was feeling down.. so I asked her if she was and she said no. I knew it wasn't true, and I tried reading her mind.. like actually tried reading her mind, which we all know, is impossible.. but you know.. what if I could.. In my head I kept saying, "tell me.." I kept saying those words as I looked at her. I just wished she could read my mind, so that she could tell that I really do care, but sometimes I think she does know but the way my friendship is with her.. it's seems like it's a fiction.. I tried to figure out what happened.. and before they went home they seemed okay. Then you just keep on wondering.. what happened? You then begin to hate yourself a bit more, cause you couldn't do anything.. you did nothing. You wonder.. maybe she cried cause of her family, maybe it was something that someone said.. maybe she thought of something that was upsetting.. there could be thousand of possibilities.. but then.. it hits you.. maybe she just needed to cry for no reason at all. Then you realize she's just like you. She needs to cry, even though there's no reason for her to cry.. but she needs to cry just like you do.

Can somebody please tell me what's wrong with me?! I feel like I need a hit in the head all the time now. Like I need to knock some sense into me.. like I'm trying to remember something but I just can't and maybe a knock in the head will do it. Afterwards I regret it, cause it really hurts afterwards, but it's when you start thinking some more.. then it hurts a lot more. I guess that's why you're not allowed to think to deep.. you might just drown in your thoughts and really forget about the world. It's so easy to forget about everything.. sometimes.. it can be too dangerous to forget about the world.. cause then.. you might not be able to tell fantasy from reality anymore.

I only I could figure myself out and understand what the heck is wrong with me. If only someone knew what I was feeling all the time..

Yours Truly,
Nayt

Understand the world around you,
Listen to the sounds behind the sounds,
See with your eyes close,
Feel with your heart and not your hands,
Taste my pain by staring in my eyes,
and not see it with my tears.