The yin and the yang... without one other, the circle is not complete, they're not whole... Ever wondered why it the black has a white dot in it while the white has a black dot in it? It's to show, even in darkness there is light and even in light there darkness... Loneliness is part of my life; sometimes it feels that even if I didn't chose loneliness... It chose me. Sigh, I don't really know what I'm saying... I guess I'm trying to really see the good in loneliness... Maybe it'll make me stronger, but for all I know, maybe it'll make me bottle things up for a long time just waiting for someone to just trigger my tears. It's always like that, it's always been like that, but like... right now, I know I'm not alone...

I looked into the mirror like I did last night... but this time it's different... I'm crying... I'm tired... I'm hurt... and I'm bleeding... No, not there... but inside... I'm loved... but why? Why am I loved? I tried... Oh how I tried not to care, how I tried not to love anymore... but I can't, my emotions are still there... My soul... It's still there... And even if I was to carve open a hole inside of me, to pull my heart out, hoping that my soul would follow... I would just bleed and my soul would still be there and it refuses to leave me... Get out of me, God damnit, Get out of me. No... Wait... I want it to stay... What would I be without it? What am I without it? How I hated it when he pointed out that I will have no one to run to, no one to cry to one day. What does he know? Why does he claim that he cares? Why does he act like a brother when I hardly know him at all? He knows nothing... yet he's right... He's right and how much it hurts to know that he is... He may be right, but he does not understand me... He does not see what I crave for... and no, it's not love, it's not trust... It's power... How I yearn for it so much... I must be strong, I must hold myself together, I must harden my heart... This is nothing, it's not true, I can move on, I don't need anyone afterwards... If only I could believe my words are true... Why was God listening to my prayers as a child? Why did he grant my prayers? Where did I go right to deserve such thing... or maybe it's a punishment from him... knowing the only way to destroy me is to love me... What are his intentions? What does he have planned for me? I wonder...

It won't be the loneliness that's going to kill me... It'll be the betrayal... I know for a fact I am not loyal... I know for a fact that I am foolish... I know for a fact that I cannot keep eternal promises... So how do I know when I say that I will always believe in them, would either be fact or more artificial words? With kiss... there could've been a lie... With every touch... It could've been an illusion. My heart is not loyal and I could turn to someone else and I will end up on a path where I must choose... as usual, I will choose the greater one, I will choose the stronger one, I will choose the special one... that is what is expected... that is what is bound to happen... and I will forget those words that I've said before... and If I was to forget... then, that means I've never meant it... and that will hurt, 'cause what type of fool am I not to love someone sincerely? Have I ever loved anything that would actually mean something to me? Or do I imagine myself to love someone thinking what I feel is something real... I am a liar, I am a betrayer... and in the end I will break your heart... maybe that's why I can't fall in love... because I refuse to love myself.... will no one take my pain away... ever?

Yours Truly,
Nayt