Dear Reader,

Right now I'm wondering if he knows... Him, who I try to walk by without turning my head or giving him a second thought... Him, when he's close by I would only allow myself to glance at him once or twice... maybe even three times and only when I feel daring enough, will I look at him much longer, gaze at him and wonder why... Him, who will never know who he is to me...

Him, who I know could never care for me as he would a proper friend or less or more... I wonder if he knows that he was right... He was right to worry about her... I should've worried too, so who do you blame? When you trust someone to make the right decision, when you keep your guard down... something happens. Who do you blame? Them for letting it happen or you for not seeing it coming? Whose mistake is it? Or is no one to blame?

He cares for her... I know... I don't have to remind myself... I don't know how much though... It's not love... at least I hope it's not... He cares for her, my friend who deserves to be loved... Yet, I'm not jealous... I just wonder could he ever care for me in that way... I tried... I tried... I'd said I'd forget about him... but it doesn't seem to be happening... This is one of the only times where my emotion is not attachment... Just a part of me that I can't just choose to go away... Maybe it's because he'll never look at me in that way, that I wonder what if he did... I don't see being in his arms... I don't see him tracing my face... It's just the thought of him looking at me that way... Just the thought of the possibility that he might... that he could... fall for me...

There are times when I think about dancing with him... not daring to look into his eyes... scarred that look might not be there... but only to be around him to know... He's there... and if I pretend enough... I could imagine how he would look at me... With a smile... With that look... that look that I'll never know or taste of...

I wonder if he knows that he makes me smile... and blush... I don't think he does... I don't think he should know... Things are better this way aren't they? To plan what to say to him... to ask about some sort of school work and to feel foolish about it afterwards in the end... He makes me feel somehow foolish too... I forgot about that... Maybe that's why I don't talk to him as much face to face... Or maybe because I usually feel rejected when I try or more like... he doesn't want to talk to me... no, not me, just her... She's his friend... and I don't mind... I just look... then turn and pretend... Pretend what though? What just happened? Did I just miss something?

It was better to lean against the pillar and just look at him... To just try and find flaws that doesn’t seem to be there... Maybe there are that I do see just don't really acknowledge... I love it when he widens his eyes... Gives me a sort of tingle, except I hardly see him ever do it... There are times when I just froze the image in my head... Sigh... Does he notice me? If he does... does he know I'm really there?

What about her... my friend... She is my best friend though... though I know I'm not her no#1 best friend, the one who is, can't be replaced... and I don't mind though... I love seeing those two together, they just seem to fit. They're like a perfect picture... Every time I see them together... Like sisters... They fit perfectly... Looking at them there are times I wished I had a camera to freeze that image. They look beautiful in my eyes... both of them. I wonder if anyone else sees the same image. I wonder if they ever see it… probably not though… or maybe… nah… They've been friends since they were in diapers I think... I don't know why my mind keeps freezing those two in my head... It's been happening lately... Maybe I'll find out soon... Maybe something big is happening and God's preparing me for it.

I'm not going to die am I? That would be a thought... What I learnt today... Time is movement... makes perfectly good sense to me... but what if you're dead and you're not moving? Is time still passing by or has it gone still and stiff like you have? Wouldn't it be great... to just some how go to the other side and walk back here. We can only dream of what heaven could be like... but it'll never be accurate or as great as the real thing... Shh. Stop. I think I heard you breathe.

Yours Truly,
Nayt