Dear Reader,

Do you think that sometimes the people you love say something negative about you because you've hurt them badly?

I like to think so.

And maybe it hurts because there's some ounce of truth in it?

Probably.

I'm just thinking that, maybe, if I had a chance to say something to someone and it would be the last thing I could say or... maybe the only thing they would know or remember - what would it be? It scares me that what I say may be meaningless or it will lose meaning once it's said. I messed up - really I did, and there's nothing I can do to change it or make it better really. I'm doing what I think is best but I feel like I am a victim to my own heart and mind, because it still feels like I'm falling. Do you understand what I mean by falling? It's wrong. I know it's wrong, but my god... it's a beautiful feeling.

I don't want to erase the memory... I just want it to be hidden... not forgotten, but like a memory that's constantly flickering at the back of my mind. Sometimes it feels like I am stuck on an on-going train and, I can't jump off it. As if, everything is inevitable. I guess we all can't have happy right now but I've been waiting in line for so long. But it's not that I'm not happy, it's just... I know I could feel more.

It's just. I don't know how to make things okay between us. I want not to want you. I want to look at you and not think about how I feel about you. I want you in my life without being afraid of you walking out of it. I want to be able to say that you are one of my best friends and you are the closest thing to me. I want to be able to hold your hand without fearing what it might mean to you. I want to be able to kiss your cheek to remind you that I love you the way that I know you. I want to be able to hold you and to have you hold me like you weren't going to let me go, that you won't let me fall, that you weren't going to let me hurt myself the way I have. Hurt myself like I did because I wanted to catch up with you. I wanted to be where you are. I wanted you to like me again.

I wish I hadn't let you go but there was nothing else I could do. I couldn't hold on to you. I don't know how. And I feel like writing this only makes you hate me more - but I have to. I just want to write this pain out.

Yours Truly,
Me.