Isn't it amazing on how some kids were force to learn sayings? Maybe they think it'll help them with their development? Or maybe it's just the fun of torturing the little brats into memorizing them. Have you ever thought what they actually mean? I mean you hear them most of the time, but what does it actually mean? like..

Love is a test but to whom shall fail it will have eternal silence and suffering

Well, like I've always said.. without love there is no pain.. but then if you turn your back on love you will end up living with pain. Okay I'm not actually getting anywhere with this, but sometimes some words can stick in your mind forever. You don't think about it but like.. one day it just comes up in your head and you finally understood the message in it. It's strange on how everything that you do is stored somewhere in the back of your head. You just forget but it's just somewhere in the back if your head.. what you eat, what you heard, what you said.. everything. Think bout it, when you're like at your happiest moment, something just appeared in your mind. That something could be your even happiest moment or you saddest, either way it'll start to make you think and you'll be going through your life, wondering if this was what you really wanted.

Have you ever wished that you could just stay in your dream and keep on dreaming it? It feels like you in heaven but every morning you're torn from it.. it feels like being expelled every time you're awake. Expelled from heaven. Dreams.. are said to be things that's in your sub - conscious. Sometimes you can even dream about your future and I heard.. If you realized you're in a dream, you can control it. Usually dreams are things like what you expect would happen in situations. So like, if a friend of yours died in your dreams.. well basically that your fault. You dreamt it, you imagined it. It's not that you wanted them to die but you just never thought of them dieing, get it? I guess sometimes dreams are what you don't think about much.

I think the greatest type of dream would be the one that you imagine, but as usual it will end you up with a broken heart that was full of hope and dreams.. That's the problem with imagination. If your imagination does come true, you think it'd be great right? Well if you think about it, it wouldn't be so great cause like you thought of it. So it wouldn't be special anymore, but if that someone does something that you didn't imagine off.. something sweet and romantic of course.. they did that something just for you.. now that would be really special. Imagination is more important then knowledge.. It's a child's first toy.

Yours Truly,
Nayt

Believing in yourself is important,
Believing in others is important,
Believing in God is everything.

Why do people think when your upset or something the only cure would be.. to get you a b/gf? Well yea most of you would probably be thrilled to have one but what if you don't want one? You just wanna be alone, you don't need some guy or girl to pull you back right? I guess.. it's like some sayings..

Love is harder to accept than to give

I learn that as a fact. The only reason why I won't accept love in my life is cause I think it will hold me back from what I can do the best. I don't think I'd give up what I have now, just for one moment of happiness cause what I have now I can turn it into happiness but I will not give up what I have just to be given that happiness.. get what I mean? Or probably not.. I just think some things are silly. Especially when it comes to choosing your boy friend over your best friend. That's just shit. Choosing love over friendship. I don't think it's the right thing, cause from friendship that's where love starts, but if you don't have much of a friendship first, then that love won't actually work.

Yes.. I keep on talking but I don't know what I'm actually saying. Okay something you people don't actually wanna hear, well I do understand what I'm saying I'm just hoping you would.

Now where was I... oh yea.. love can cure happiness.. but, what if it was the thing that made you sad? confusing isn't it? I realized if I did have someone, I wouldn't be able to do stuff that I am doing now I guess, but then you would want someone to hold.. the problem is there's no one to have a bloody crush on. I don't actually care much bout crushes but I just want someone to talk to. I guess that's why I'm all quite now. I just want a nice long face to face conversation. That's why I don't like big groups, cause you have to talk to one person and then you talk to another one and it just gets kind of annoying when you just wanna focus on one thing. I should drag my best guy friend to places I go with other people so that way I can actually have a nice conversation with him! I can hardly talk to him at school =( I can always talk to him online, but I just wanna talk to him face to face like we do online. and yes I have repeated this bloody line about a thousand times.. I will not develop a crush on him and no I do not have a crush on him! Well sure some of you don't ask but I do have to remind you that once a while.

Is there a time where you wished you were dreaming? You know it's reality but in your head.. it just keeps telling you, you're dreaming. Oh how much you wished you were.. just seeing you're best friend holding hands with someone. You gotta take a peek just to see if they actually are holding hands, when it's just right in front of you. You're happy for them but it's like.. something is telling you that this isn't real. You're happy that they're happy but you do feel kind of jealous cause you don't have anyone. Jealousy is an everyday thing in some people's lives I guess. Probably one of you out there, are saying.. It isn't in mine.. or thinking how sad this journal is. Well for those who live in their perfect, happy and perky lives, you gotta remember that it'll never last like it does for our unhappy lives.

Oh I just notice something weird about life.. everything you do is like a boomerang. If you hate someone a lot, someone will hate you that equally. If you love something that much.. It comes back equally. We just don't realize it, until we slowly go through our lives. Everything that we do everyday is stored in the back of our heads somewhere. What we eat, what we say.. everything. We just don't remember. Amazing isn't it? I wish I could go through my life like a book.. read what I've done, so I would see myself as others see me.

Yours Truly,
Nayt

We're all the same,
We got feelings too,
But I am never the same as you.

When life gets too boring.. you decide to just go with the flow.. like me.. I was at empire today and I was on the buggy when I was near my destination.. I decided to jump off hoping to land on my two feet. Foolish? exactly. I jumped and I started rolling on the ground like hell. I guess it was the word that was circling in my head and it was the only thing I heard.. Jump.. so I jumped.. just got cuts on my right elbow and right leg and scraped some skin too. I guess I needed that sting in life. It felt like I was kinda hypnotized and got out of control and my sub - conscious took over my body.

The things I do..

Don't you people sometimes wish you could be some sort of mythical creature? Like.. a faerie.. a warlock.. a vampire.. or a slayer.. hah, not that these things do happen in life.. or do they? and it was just hidden from the public. Oh boy, there goes my bloody imagination. If I could've been one of those things, I guess I'd be a vampire. Soulless, Immortality and I wouldn't have to feel pain. So I could just play with my meal and then eat it up and feel no guilt. I wouldn't care If I never knew what love was or what to be loved was. In there.. there's always pain. I have enough of pain. Well emotional pain but physical. Hah. Bring it on. Cutting myself doesn't even hurt now. It's like getting an accidental cut and you don't even realize you have a cut. Cutting yourself is just damn ridiculous. It doesn't hurt. Yes, I'm a ridiculous person but it doesn't matter now, does it? Jumping of a buggy is much better. You can feel your skin burn but it doesn’t last long. Maybe a broken bone would hurt more. I so much want to have a broken bone in my body and just stay in bed and not move an inch for weeks. That way, all I see is an empty space and the only thing going in my mind.. well.. something that's not to be said.

I use to cry.. almost everyday now. Since the guys I hang out with either got girls or they're just caught up in their own world. It's just that.. I'm worried.. once they're so caught up in that world, they'll forget bout me. Sure they'll still invite me to all the weekend plans but like.. where will I be? It's not like I have someone just like them. I don't even want someone. I just want one of my best friends to be there so I can talk to them, but then the guys don't actually like him much. sigh. The good thing bout him is that he doesn't have a girl so that way I can just talk to him in public without people being suspicious. No, I'm not trying to get him. No, I don't have a crush on him. He's just like the only guy who's there now when I need someone to talk to but I don't wanna get to close to him.. I guess I cried a lot cause of my fear of being lonely. Not that I am lonely, I was crying cause I was afraid to be lonely.. but the weird part now is that.. I wanna be alone. It's weird. Plus, instead of being noisy and talkative as usual, I'm just all quite. I guess I'm just trying to learn to talk when necessary and to speak when required. Sure people notice and they start asking me if something's wrong but nothing's wrong. I just felt like being quite.. that's all.

sigh.. I don't even know what else to say. Not that it'd make much difference.

Yours Truly,
Nayt

It's when I'm with you I feel alive,
But to you I'm only dead,
So I'm just trying to walk away,
But I still want to stay..
with you..

What is your Alter-Ego
Personality?

Whoopee do... amazingly this is probably my first time putting in an entry on a happy note. Yes. I am smiling. This is probably one of my happy days since.. Well.. since 2 months ago i guess. The feeling of fearing loneliness has melted away from my heart, but yes I am still a poetic person because that is one of the only ways I can express myself. I express myself through songs and poetry and of course through my online journal. I guess the cause of my happiness was the same thing that caused my misery.

Friendship

It's amazing how people can make you smile even if they're not trying or have any clue you were upset. For me, after having a whole day of pain and sadness and grief. I got cheery the next morning from comfort of friends. I couldn't post what I felt yesterday, maybe cause my mind was too cloudy. It's really amazing on a hug can just brighten up your life. Though I detest it, I only want hugs from people who make me feel special and I hope I make them feel the same when they're around me. You should always try to be happy then try to keep gloomy. I know some people keep being gloomy cause they want attention and want people to ask them stuff or something, I do sometimes, but like you'll never learn to smile unless you let someone make you smile. I didn't think what I felt inside would go away for a long time, cause usually when I'm upset it would just last for a night but not a whole day, but then friends come and just talk to you. Some people like to be left alone when they're upset but I guess I'm one of those people who needs someone every time I feel down.

I'm grateful that god lets me go through life slowly so that I can just realize the beauty that surrounds me and the beauty I have within me and the beauty my friends show that's within them. It's like.. there's more out there and that's why you gotta work hard now so you can just go and grab forever that seems like an empty space.. but the truth is.. you should let forever grab hold on you. Maybe we do have forever already it's just that what we do.. we keep forgetting how forever taste like. You should live life fully but have fun at the same time. We can't always have fun 24/7 you know, cause then you won't actually have much of a meaning with life. Just like what my bestest friend taught me..

God chose you to be born when he could've made someone else, but he chose you.

Well it went something like that. I never thought of it like that actually till she said it. It was really meaningful and those words really inspired me after thinking about it for a while. It's true, god could've made someone else but he chose make me. I believe everything on this earth has a meaning and there is no such thing as coincidence, everything we do is our decision but God helps us chose the right decision and it is us that decides to do wrong. We have a brain, meaning we have thought. So we should know the difference with good and bad, but then for those who do bad or are such bitches.. usually they have a reason to be one but they just don't know it. If there's someone you know that's a total bitch, you should try and find out about their past or if they hate something so much like they're parents or grandparents or something. I believe no one is a bitch by birth, but only by life.

Sometimes people really, really hate their life. I was one of those people till I realized how lucky I am to have friends like my bestest friend who inspired me to be a poet, to sing, to be everything that I am now other than a sad person. That was my decision and it was not her that made me all sad and everything but it was her that made me smile and gave light back in my heart when the fire had burnt out. I think when you just seem to hate life. Just stop for a moment and wonder.. why is the blue? How can a rose smell so sweet? Why do I have friends loving me?

If you can answer all of that, then you must've experience life so well, but for those who can't then you have to realize, you don't know what you have until you lose it and losing someone that cared for you is the worst thing in life and I know that as a fact, that's why I try and keep hold onto what I have now. Though in my darkest times I wished I never knew how it felt to love and to have that love return. Cause through love their is pain, but there wouldn't be much of a life if there is no pain, but I'm glad to have more happy days than sad days in life, and I don't think I could've achieve that without my friends who are always there for me =c).

I felt like crying, but I know I couldn't.. Just for me to let out a tear is showing my weakness and there's nothing that can hurt me more than my own thoughts. I feel that I write the truth but I never read what I have written.. and that I believe I am only writting from my imagination.

As all of you read this journal, your first impression is either a angered confused teenager or someone who needs help. I don't know what I see myself as but I know one thing.. I'm weakening. I use to not care what happens to other people. I use to not care if someone got hurt. I use to not care about anyone except for me. As usual I have to remind myself what I have learned through my mistakes and what others had done.

Think before you speak,
Smile and don't tell them you're hurt,
See the world brightly,
Try and love a person for who they are,
Never get close cause you'll always get hurt
Expectations will always give you a broken heart
Fantasys never come true when you imagine them

There's probably a lot more that I've learnt but I just can't seem to remember or so. Right now I think I'm in one of my weakest moment but I'm just lucky that no one can see that I am.. who know's what might've happen, they might've start pitying for me and there is nothing worst than being pityed. Pitying someone is just a waste of time when you could teach them to be independent, but then.. they might not wanna learn. It doesn't matter. Life will end anyway. It's like a candle burning and when the flame goes out, so will you.

Then the thought about being with someone where you can just hold them forever and never let go. Sure we all felt like this but have you ever stopped and think about everyone cause maybe the one who really cared about you was always there, you just never realised. You should stop and think.. where is the one you need most? Maybe they're right infront of you but then you gotta think.. when were you ever there for them? They might say you're always there but what if you weren't?

Right now.. I am so much in pain that I can hardly think straight and write down what's on my mind..

Yours Truly,
Nayt

It's just gotta be a stage right? When you feel like hell for no reason at all... it's just a stage right? What if it isn't? What would you do?

When I start saying what I feel.. people do listen but I don't think they'd understand. That's why I choose to put mine on the net, cause that way I can just write whatever I want, whatever comes into my head.. what ever comes out of my heart and lately.. everything seems to be so confusing. I can hardly understand what's happening in this world anymore. Why can't I just be a kid and be so carefree.. forget about the world.. the only thing that matters is what toy I get and what happens now. If only I can just get pass my high school years and go out in the real world. Feel more of its pain and then just die slowly.. painfully. So as my soul slowly goes through my fingertips.. everything that gave me pain, everything that I dreamed of that never came true, everyone that I loved that I gave pain to.. I'd think about it over and over in my head and in the end.. I'd think of something that made me smile.. but I couldn't do the same for them.

I rather die painfully than not dieing painfully.. just to remind myself how much the world hurts and why I want my life to just pass by.. like a breeze. If only you could just walk on a path and everywhere you look, it's one of god's beautiful creation. I just wanna walk.. and keep on walking till my feet get tired and then I'd go to sleep.. go to sleep forever.. that's be a nice way of leaving the world.. I wish I could go like that.. but I prefer the first choice. It doesn't matter really. I have way to many thoughts about how I could die.. and I try to draw all of them, but my hand couldn't move the pencil once I pick it up. My hand shakes but then the imagination fades away.. as if.. It was forbidden to draw what was in my head. Seems like what's kept in there has to remain a mystery to the world forever.

Don't you just hate it when your bestest friend cries and you just can't do anything about it? There's a big difference when it comes to hearing them cry and seeing them cry. Seeing them cry is enough to crumble your world and it makes it much worst when you can't do anything. Your just sitting there and you can't think of anything to say or anything to do.. but just sit there. Before I knew she was crying.. I sort of felt that she was feeling down.. so I asked her if she was and she said no. I knew it wasn't true, and I tried reading her mind.. like actually tried reading her mind, which we all know, is impossible.. but you know.. what if I could.. In my head I kept saying, "tell me.." I kept saying those words as I looked at her. I just wished she could read my mind, so that she could tell that I really do care, but sometimes I think she does know but the way my friendship is with her.. it's seems like it's a fiction.. I tried to figure out what happened.. and before they went home they seemed okay. Then you just keep on wondering.. what happened? You then begin to hate yourself a bit more, cause you couldn't do anything.. you did nothing. You wonder.. maybe she cried cause of her family, maybe it was something that someone said.. maybe she thought of something that was upsetting.. there could be thousand of possibilities.. but then.. it hits you.. maybe she just needed to cry for no reason at all. Then you realize she's just like you. She needs to cry, even though there's no reason for her to cry.. but she needs to cry just like you do.

Can somebody please tell me what's wrong with me?! I feel like I need a hit in the head all the time now. Like I need to knock some sense into me.. like I'm trying to remember something but I just can't and maybe a knock in the head will do it. Afterwards I regret it, cause it really hurts afterwards, but it's when you start thinking some more.. then it hurts a lot more. I guess that's why you're not allowed to think to deep.. you might just drown in your thoughts and really forget about the world. It's so easy to forget about everything.. sometimes.. it can be too dangerous to forget about the world.. cause then.. you might not be able to tell fantasy from reality anymore.

I only I could figure myself out and understand what the heck is wrong with me. If only someone knew what I was feeling all the time..

Yours Truly,
Nayt

Understand the world around you,
Listen to the sounds behind the sounds,
See with your eyes close,
Feel with your heart and not your hands,
Taste my pain by staring in my eyes,
and not see it with my tears.

I think something is really wrong with me.. in the head. I have a life that doesn't have much missing from it, but I feel like something is missing, like I'm not satisfied. I have an every normal day life. I have no problems, but for some reason every time I come home or if it's after school, I'm just pissed. I feel like crying so much, but I'm always scared that I'll just stay crying.. and sides, I have no place to just sit alone and cry.. and when I am sitting alone.. like a perfect moment to just cry, I just don't want too.. cause I'm scared that, when I need someone there.. no one's there.

I feel like I need help, I need to talk to someone who I can really express my feelings to, but not my mother, not my sister.. not anyone. I just smile and tell them I'm alright, but inside.. I just feel like my heart is being dip in a cup full of warm blood. Sometimes I feel like grabbing a cutter and cut myself. Sharp things are better to cut yourself with other than blunt objects, it just hurts too much. When I already have the cutter in my hand, all ready to just cut myself, I throw it back in where I found it 'cause something in my head tells me.. no.. someone is gonna be there, you just gotta wait.. I believe it. Then I think about who am I gonna hurt when I cut myself.. what promise that I made that I'll break when I just let that blade go through my skin. I don't wanna hurt anyone.. I just wanna hurt myself, let the blood flow down my arm. Just to remind myself.. what hurts more.. my arm.. or my broken soul. I see life in a good way, so why can't I just feel good about myself? why can't I just go home every night and be blessed to see another day. I love living. I really do. but I feel like.. you know how it feels when you got a test and you don't wanna do it.. but then.. it's like.. the earlier the test is the better. Just get the thing over with. Like when you have to do a play. Let's get it over with.. well that's how I feel with life. Just get over with it. I'm not suicidal or anything. I just.. want this to end.

Sometimes I don't even think I recognize myself in the mirror. When I see one, the only thing I wanna do is stare into it and when I do, I know that’s me.. but something else tells me it isn't. It's my imagination. I just gotta get away from it, cause I feel like I'm in a trance just staring at myself. It's weird I know and no.. It isn't cause I'm vain. Have you looked at yourself lately? Like really looked at yourself. Could you see the difference? Could you tell it's you? I remembered when I was a kid. I looked into the mirror and I see me. I feel like, there were no such things as mirrors back then. I try to remember what I felt when I saw myself in the mirror, but I can't even remember a single moment. I touch my face as I looked into mirror, reminding me, this is reality. What I see is real.. what I touch is real.. but what I feel.. It just seems like a dream.

One of the worst thing I find in life, and it will always, always end up heart breaking is expectations. You expect this person would treat you the same but then.. they don't and it just really, really makes you feel low, but they can really surprise you. When you expect this person not to give a damn about you.. it turns out they do, but you just don't know. For me, last time I thought that my friend just didn't really care much, when I started walking off. I was really upset.. I didn't wanna look back but when I did, I didn't see her there, which actually hurt much more. I really hate being alone when I'm upset.. I really do.. It's only cause when I was a kid I use to think your friends would just come an comfort you.. but when I cried.. no one came. I just sat alone.. but then I heard that she fell when she tried to come after me. I felt guilty cause of that. I just wished I saw it. Then I could tell myself.. I really do have a friend who cares.

Are you one of those people, who like.. when you like something, the only way for you to get over it.. is to just stop your self from doing it, just like that.. or you'll have to do it over and over again till you get over it. I guess I'm much of the "Just stop yourself from doing it, just like that" type. It's like, the only way I wanna get over something I guess. I don't get tired of anything.. I don't know why. Sometimes I wish I was. I try avoiding people or things that I'm close with. I think it's so that I could remind myself not to get too close, cause I might get hurt.. heard that expression before? Don't get to close, cause you might get hurt.. I don't think it's a might anymore for me. It's a will, I will get hurt. I try to avoid, but I just gotta go talk to them or something. Then again, when you get to close to someone, I guess you can label yourself as annoying. That's one thing I don't wanna be. The annoying person. So yea.. it's true.. Don't get to close, cause you will get hurt.

I can't wait to get out of this place. Just get high school over with and go get your education from somewhere else or better yet.. just get out once I get some exams over with. Not like anyone is gonna notice that I'm gone right? I guess they will, but I don't think it's much difference. Do exams, get it over and pack up and go. I wanna get out of here, like next year and just study somewhere else for a while. For a year or so.. I don't care. Just get me out of this place for one year. That's all I'm asking. One year. I just wanna forget and start new.. like I always do. Get out of the place and be another personality. Go somewhere where no one knows me. I know, I'm just running away with my problems and thoughts, but I just need to get away. It feels like there's something out there, waiting for me. A bigger opportunity. A bigger chance. A bigger meaning.

Some people write what they feel, some just say it. People really do have a different way of expressing themselves and those who can't express themselves with words, they just find another way to express them selves. For me, sometimes it's through poetry but mostly I just sing. Whatever mood I'm in, a song just plays in my head and I just sing it out. I thought by now people could probably tell that I'm singing this song because that's what I feel. I don't usually listen to pop songs but Plus one - I need a miracle, is really one of some songs that I feel all the time. It's one of the things that really inspire me to write songs, but I could never write any. It's cause I keep forgetting the tune. The main reason why I wanna learn the guitar. That way I can just write down the chords and put lyrics in it. To express what I feel. Then that way.. maybe people will one day can really figure me out.

I need help.. I need someone to just come up to me and just tell me that they care when I'm really down.. I want them to say it without actually saying the word "I care." As always.. it won't happen. It just won't be said.

Yours Truly,
Nayt

You're so close, but I feel like you're a world away
Can you feel it in my stare?
Can you tell I need you to care..
For me..
For me.