I can't tell my friends anything anymore. I feel like my trust in them is beginning to fade and it just looks like they don't care. I know they don't, I know they're pretending but do they? Being surrounded with people you don't know and being left alone with them to be with your boyfriend/girlfriend is just punishment for doing something you did not commit. Feels like you're this innocent lamb that's gonna be slaughtered. Is there no one for you to actually trust? At least someone where you feel close with them and you just know that when they whisper to you... though they're not talking... everything's gonna be all right. Sigh. Another imagination that's meant to burn. I'm just somebody who wasted my time... In believing, in hoping, in seeking... In wishing... that someone out there is just gonna hold out their hand and tell me... that... no one's gonna hurt me... not ever again...

Dreams... some are meant to come true... and some are left to die. Feels like there's nothing you can ever find in life that'll make you happy and the ones that does... are the only reason why pain is huge part of your life. I can't write anymore... I'll post again.. Later.. Maybe...

When you bring me to somewhere I don't wanna be... Make sure you take me away from there then leave me alone with people who you think I'll cope with.

Yours Truly,
Nayt

You know how much it hurts? It feels like, you're drifting away from your friends and they just don't care about it. The question is do you? It feels like they don't have the time for you. They're always out or busy or something while you're at home either behind the computer or watching tv or maybe just waiting for the phone to ring from a friend who just wanted to say hi other then asking you what homework we got or something. Sometimes I feel my friends don't care about me, and in fact I bet they don't. They just say they do, so they won't look like the enemy, so that they won't look like they're inhuman or something. Maybe I just need some time away from them, but I can't. I'm always there with them cause in my head, it keeps telling me that... these guys are my friends.

I finally figured out why I take so many bloody activites after school or whatever. It's so that I have an excuse. I wanna be with my friends, but, they just either don't pay any attention to me or they're so busy talking to somebody else. If I was busy after school then I'd have a reason why not to spend time with my friends. That way, they have a reason why not to spend time with me. Then I wouldn't feel as much pain as I usual do and If I do have time to hang out with them, I'll just occupy myself... walking around school or something or maybe just sit where no one goes to. Alone until somebody finds me but then no one would, but everything will be alright. It's just a moment there, that you spend time at. In your own space, In your own world. No one can hurt you, no one can take it away from you. It's just a place for you.

Where the hell is everybody? It's just so quiet... you just don't have anyone to talk to. You're sister is busy, your parents are out and it just feels like the whole world has left you alone, cause you're just wasting their time. I wanna get out of here, I really do. I've said that about a million times but I can't seem to reason with my parents. I don't even know what I want anymore. I just wanna stay away from those who are getting close to me, 'cause when I just need someone to talk to, they're just never there. I tell people who aren't so close to me what I feel and I don't fear what they might say or if they tell anyone. I just don't. While in to my best friends, I always ask myself... should I tell them? And if I do tell them, they just don't care... or even try and act like they do. I'm confuse with who I call my best friends and who I don't. Now I understand why I avoided best friends in the first place. I'm just living in a world that's searching for something that isn't there. I can just feel it, everyone just doesn't want to be there for me anymore. I don't know why. I guess they shouldn't care. I told them they shouldn't and I deserve this. No one should care.

You know how you wanna do something stupid or something against the law cause it's tempting or you're curious? For example smoking, but then usually somebody tells you that they wouldn't be friends with you if you smoked or something. To them smoking is disgusting and all of that shit they say. So, okay you don't... but then the topic of smoking comes up and this time, they say, it's alright I won't mind. What the fuck? I mean like, okay you dig the reason that it's disgusting an everything, but like you figured it out, even though they didn't say it. You know they don't want you doing that shit 'cause they care about you. So, If they say "It's alright, I won't mind," does that mean they don't? It just damn fucking hurts just to think that they don't care. Damn all of this. Everything is just bull. No matter how much you cry, no one's gonna be there, they don't care, so why should you?

Everything is different, everything is drifting apart. You try to be this better person but like, it's not like anyone is gonna care right? I mean even if you cut yourself, they won't give a fuck. It's your body, not their's! So damn you. Damn all of us. I can't have a friend that would be there for me, everytime I wanted them to be. Don't they understand?! It feels like you're about to snap! Like everything around you is just moving on while you're left standing. I hate all of them... every single one of them... for caring.. for loving... and then for abondoning me. I thought it'd be great... maybe see how the social people are, the kids who cared about each other... all the long, it was just a knife hidden from you. I can't even sleep at night, just thinking... what if... The same old bloody questions over and over again. It's just a dream... just to have a long conversation with someone face to face, and just to get them to say..."Don't worry... I'm right here for you." But then, sometimes it's just a waste of breathe to say that. They don't need you when they're upset, the just go to someone else. They can't even tell you about the tinest problem they got. To think that you made them feel special cause they always got someone watching out for them, when they made you feel like crap cause it looks like they don't need you.

I know they're not reading this... I know they know that this site exists... My Best friends and my sister know that I put my thoughts here... but I know. They don't read it... 'Cause they don't care... They don't bothere... They're to busy... They got their own life... While I burn in mine... so yea.. thank you...

Yours Truly,
Nayt

If I had a list of people who I hate, it'll be miles long. What really bugs me is that, there are people that I hate but I care for. You get what I mean? It's like; you hate but love this person. It's so bloody annoying. It's like you got some chip in your dumb skull that's malfunctioning. There's another thing that's really annoying. Be careful what you ask or wish for, cause it might come true. It's like you're being sarcastic and then it happens. For example, online, I got something that kind of made me heart broken or I don't know, mixed feelings I guess. So I said to myself, "got anything else you wanna break my heart with?" Instead I just made it much simpler, like " anything else" and what happens? I got news that was much more painful. Geez, does heaven love me that much to make my questions answered?

I need to get back on the track. I'm beginning to feel like myself again. I wanna play...I want another soul to feed on. Another heart to break. I've crumbled but not to the ground, I've stopped myself from touching it and now I'm rebuilding myself. I'll get what I want. I'll get what I need, or even something I don't need. It feels so good now. I guess I just needed to fall apart for a while so I can be reborn again. Currently, I found out, it seems the only way for me to get out of my bloody school and maybe the bloody country is to start having someone hate me. I'm not gonna doing that purposely. So this is my decision. It's not to make a decision. Let it flow. Let it be. I guess the thing that made me feel like this, is the thing that hurts me the most. No, I'm not going to mention it. It could be a lot of things, but I know. It's one thing. So that's enough to trigger me. Now I get it why I so much love pain. It's like on one I feel sad, anger and everything, but then on the other side, I feel cool, calm and very operational. Feel like cutting myself with something blunt just to seal it all off. You know, like you seal a letter with a kiss? Yes, I got strange ideas on how to end things.

I feel like, I'm being ignored. Yet. I don't care, but then the questions is... Will I care if it's true? That I have no answer to. Great. Now it feels like somebody speared the back bottom of my head. I live a life that I wish was to be. That doesn't make sense does it? It's like, when people think I like something, I don't know. I just get encourage to like when I deep down actually know that I don't. Yes. It's a case of denials. And this is a big one. I just can't actually decide what I really like. Unless, those things happen to make big bucks in the future, then that's a different thing. I'm in love with anything wood and handmade and if you think about it, save it for a long time, what do you get? That's right. Paper with the ruler's picture on it. Cash you dumbass. Money.

Ah damn it. I'm bored, going now.

Death is your only guarantee in life.
It's the star that you'll never reach,
It’s something that surrounds you when you sleep,
It's an adventure, never told.

Yours Truly,
Nayt

The Bitch is Back

I gotta learn not to care. I wish I wasn't so ambitious. I just end up crying. Feeling forgotten. Feeling invisible. All of this was my decision. I could've avoid it and just be happy but No. I choose to pretend. I choose to stay quiet. I choose to be hurt. Again. Once again without realizing. Why am I getting so emotional? Can't these feelings just stop for once? Just let me be empty. For a moment. For a day. For this lifetime. Let me not care. Let me not have this pathetic human soul. I feel so weak. So pathetic, that I hate myself.

I can't seem to walk away from this. I just can't turn into that gothic bitch I was, because I care about everyone now. People who are close to me, are just way to close. I'm getting confuse with what I want now. I can't stop but to feel jealous when I see something. Now I'm just wishing how I was like this girl. How I was like that girl. How I wish I was someone else. It feels like there's something stuck in my throat and it feels like someone had punch me in the eye and it hurts every time I blink. Now every time I look in the mirror, I don't even recognize it as me. When I hear my voice from a recorder or something, I don't recognize it. I don't recognize myself anymore. I have no identity. I don't exists. I don't know who I am.

I think I'm just plain selfish. I can't seem to appreciate with what I have. I know some people want more things but they're happy with what they got. Why can't I? I guess I just feel like there's much more for me out there and Brunei is just holding me back. Like it won't let me go. Feels like I'm gonna be stuck here forever. I just think I could do better out there. Now I think about it. It seems like I'm running away from my problems. Like I think it would all end if I start new. I guess it was like that ever since I was a kid. If I start new, then all my problems are gone. When I was in grade 5, I never finished any of my Malay homework. So I thought, just wait till grade 6 then it'll all disappear. All that homework. All those problems. I keep running away. I always thought I was the type who faced everything. Looks like I'm just running away. Now I feel like I gotta prove myself wrong. Will I run to another country and study there? Or...will I stay here and face the pain that I choose?

I don't like this person that I am. I'm surprise someone does. Gawd... I'm doing it again. I'm like asking for attention. I am so pathetic. Gawd. And by saying this I'm worst then what I am. I guess I never knew I could ever feel this way. Missing people. Wishing for someone and all of this I can get my decision. Decisions that I can make but I just could never do. I wanna write a letter to my aunty. I wanna go and read Yassin at my great, great grandmother's grave. I say all these things but I never do it. Everything hurts. I hate it. I hate who I am. I'm nothing now. I'm a nothing that tries to prove to the world that doesn't care the fuck about me. I try but I fall down and crumble. Even if I cry out in vain no one's gonna hear me. No one's gonna care. Everyone is just gonna pass by and even if they act like they do, they don't. They just wanna know what's wrong. They don't actually care if you're hurting. They think they do but they don't. I keep on crumbling to the ground. I'm the only one in this world who the sun never shines on. I'm the one that everyone is leaving. I'm the one that always finds a dead end to every hope of light that I see. Why me? Do I feel this much guilt that I push myself to feel more pain? To taste every bit of it when I get the chance? I do things, to see what I end up with, but I know. It's pain. It feels like a disease. Soon it'll just lead me off a cliff and I'll just keep off falling. I feel so ashamed of myself. So ashamed.

Every time I end up crying. I always ask myself. Was it worth it? Where did it lead? Were any of my words lies? Why can't I be strong? Why do I hate this life size mirror so much? With all the pain I feel inside, I'm not surprise why I try to make others hurt. I just feel better of myself once I do that. Evil, Pain, Hatred, Jealousy, Anger... they are all part of me. No matter how much I try, it'll never go away. It'll just sleep until somebody comes to wake it up. Then it'll all consume me. Why does this silence have to be so loud? I'm such a messed up person. I don't know why I bother to try to understand. I don't understand why I try to mend friendships that seems like it could never be fix. I don't understand why I just keep on standing here, telling them that I still care and it doesn't matter if they don't. Then someone told me. A stranger. That's what they call unconditional love. Do I really have a heart that loves unconditionally? Or was it my imagination that had told me of these things that I have denied my entire existence? I wish all my answers could be answered in a dream. I wish someone out there could just give me a reason bout why I do this to myself... but no one's out there. No one's out there to look out for me. No one's out there to even care...

Do I deny with what I know?

Yours Truly,
Naytee

Have you ever sat down and just think... think about what's gonna happen... what if... why... and then it feels like your heart stopped beating. You could feel it. That very moment you needed air, and then your heart starts beating again. You think maybe it's just you. Then, it happens again. Your heart stops beating and this time, it took longer than before and you collapse. Your eyes grow red. Then you start breathing again. That's how much it hurts. Not only the pain you're feeling it emotionally, but physically. You can't find a cold lake to plunge it. Just drown for a little while... Just for a moment.

I don't understand why I care for little things so much. I don't understand why I can't be happy for something that everyone else would be happy about. Gawd... what's wrong with me... I don't know what I was feeling yesterday. Anger? Jealously? Hatred? What was it? I just sat on the top of the stairs. Alone. Thinking... what the hell is wrong with me. I felt like crying but I couldn't. I wouldn't let myself, but I felt it inside. I felt my heart, crying for me. I heard voices in my head. Asking more questions. Much more. I wish I could just run and fly. Be up there, where no one could see me. Up there, where I can leave my emotions on the ground. I can't believe I'm hurting this much. So much that I care for the first time. Every time when I'm done I could just hang out with my friends, smile and talk and look at someone in the eye, but now I can't. I can't pretend. I can't hide it. I can't hide it from anyone anymore.

I never thought that blood could feel so sweet. It used to have that funky taste in it, but now it taste different. I accidentally cut myself yesterday and I could see the blood dripping. First my head told me to go to the toilet and was it away but it's as if I was hypnotized. I felt temptation. I tasted it... That few seconds, there was flashes in my head. Bout every time when I cried, every time I wanted to tell someone how much they mean to me, every time when I wanted one of them to hurt. Hurt like me. Temptation... it's a powerful thing. It's beginning to devour me. I'm giving up to it easily... I can hear the silence. Everything is changing and it's leaving me all alone.

Now you're addicted to them. Those you make you smile, made you laugh. It's like every time when you need someone. You need them. 'Cause no one makes you happier then them. Addiction. Addiction comes from fear. There must be a reason why you need them. Why you ask from them. No. It can't be cause they're your best friends. No. It can't be cause you can trust in them. No. It can't be because they really care for you. Are you scared of them hating you? Are you scared of being alone? Are you scared of crying alone with no one there to ask you what's wrong? Or... are you scared for that person to feel like they have no importance in life when you know they're important in yours? Seems like there's no answers to anything that you ask. Nothing seems to be full. Everything is just an empty space that you can't ever touch...

I just wish I could say sorry. Sorry to the past. Sorry to everything that I've said and done. Sorry just for making them know that I exist. I wish I could just stand.. far away. Far away from all of them. Just stand here, watching them. Just hoping that somewhere inside of them, they know I care. I care and love them, but I can't be there. I can't sit down next to them. I can't smile at them. I can't talk to them. 'Cause I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll end up making them hurt. I'm scared that I made them feel like trash, when they mean everything to me. No. They mean much more then everything to me. These people, I call them, My friends, and My family. These people are my future. They helped into becoming a better person. Now I'm scared cause I could never do the same to them. I owe the world more then what I've got. More then what my life could give. That's why I take this pain so I can try and pay them back...

I hate you for giving me life,
I hate you for believing in me,
I hate you for loving me.

You're like an endless pit,
That I've fallen in,
You're heart is full of warmth,
That I can't help but to smile.
And It hurts.

I try to run away from this,
I ended up jumping into an ice-cold lake.
Now I'm drowning but I'm still breathing,
Your love is keeping me warm.
I'm drowning in you..
And it hurts

Yours Truly,
Nayt