Is it me or have I been built to feel sad before the day I have an actually reason to hate every living creature on this bloody rock?! Oh wow... it must be the second part. Yes I know I have this fucking choice to be happy and forget it all, but hell! How long has it been since I posted something when I'm actually pissed of and bothered to tell why?! Long?! YES, Why? Cause I use to FUCKING NOT CARE.

I just hate everything right now... and the only light left in me is just music. I think it's the only thing that's keeping me from snapping. I'm just listening to Jay Zhou songs right now... though I don't understand chinese, the music just speaks and translates the song for me. I feel like the only thing that's keeping me happy is when I'm away from home and with a bunch of new people that I hardly know. It's cool though... I mean for once, I'm begining to act like what I really want to. No more mean, bitchy Nayt. There I'm not Nayt but someone else... I'm just the child... the baby... and I just feel like they care for me, and it feels so good to be loved... loved like family...

I always feel like I don't belong here or whatever... So to me it's either, hang out with people or hang out alone. As usual hanging out alone, I find it as the best choice. Sure they're your friends, but you just don't feel right with them, you know... I feel more whole alone, then when I'm with someone. It's just not worth it. No one is ever gonna heal your pain, your heart nor your soul... It's just all crap. Everything is plain bull... maybe even more... I don't even know what the hell I'm pissed about. I feel like throwing something or even breaking something. I don't feel like running away anymore... Like running away from Brunei... I feel like just standing here and let everyone just throw all these things at me... maybe If I stand still... just like keep quiet and stand still... waiting for someone to just come running up to me... knock me down with a knife... leave me there to bleed.. that gasp for one last breath.. that peaceful look... but then... what if you don't end up on neither hell or heaven? Maybe you'll end up lost... lost then you ever were before...

I would give my life away... just so that I can feel whole... just so that I could taste... both pain and pleasure at the same time. Just to get that taste in my throat... and feel that confused pain in my heart... just to get my breathe taken away... and just to hear my heart beat for the first time. All at the same time... Just all at the same time... That's just gotta the moment I'm waiting for... Hell is better then this... the darkness was better then this... I didn't have to care... Everyone has their own personal hell... It just takes time to reach it. Whether you like it or not, it's sometimes part of you. Evil, darkness, hatred... all the recipe for hell... it's just part of you. It's a seed, just waiting to get watered. Always waiting. You just water it with tears... tears of pain, tears of hatred... and it's fully nutured! Those bloody tears of happiness are just acid... killing the poor little plant... Anyway, when the seed does grow into a tree... it bears fruit right? Well what's the most logical thing to do? Eat the fruit or let it rot? Well letting it rot won't be good and it's not likely the thing you'd do, why? 'Cause you got that curiousity that's part of you! So what you do? Eat the fruit! Then everything is just gonna seem so clear for the first time...

You'll learn not to care... you'll forget about emotions... And you'll feel empty... but it wouldn't matter to you. No one's gonna hurt you, no one's gonna get close to you... why? 'cause you won't let them... you got thorns on your tree now. It's keeping all the true meaness out there away from you.. Your heart... your soul... and nothing's gonna make you cry now, nothing is gonna make you crumble down and be weak. You're strong, you don't need anyone.. you don't need anything and you don't need love. That's just a drug that makes everyone addicted to, but not you. You're not gonna let it destroy you... so you won't touch it... never... never again.

Yours Truly,
Nayt

Nihilist Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Whoohoo.. when you don't care, you just don't bloody care. Right, I think I am begining to get addicted to these lovely quizzes, especially where there are just so many to choose from.


Your Heart is Black


What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

Killed.. my heart gets killed.. I find that less.. well pain I guess. See my heart was never killed, it just gets a needle though it u see... so everytime I care for someone a needle with a string hits my heart and everytime I get hurt by them the needle just gets deeper and deeper. Then, when my heart really aches is when the strings are pulled up and down, thus making it cut my heart, but the only problem is it never cuts my heart fully. Therefore my damn heart is on strings. Get it? No? well fuck off.

Pfft... blanked again

Yours Truly,
Nayt

What do you do when you're online and god damn bored? Take online quizzes! Or you could just send threatening death emails to all those bitches and bastards out there. Ah screw them. Just for all those curious people whose been giving me those skeptical look, Yes I got a new play toy. He's a very cute Dutch boy and I like him very much. No I don't love him, well for now anyway, but one day maybe, but most not likely.


Neutral:
Harmony and balance is key. You don't look at the
world in a negative or positive way and you'll
never judge or assume a situation- you just
look at the facts. People like you are peaceful
and accepting.


What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla

*Pfft* See I'm not that negative, but then it's just an online quiz. Not like God wrote it.


You're the smirk, a frown-smile hybrid that's a
little bit cocky and usually associated with
evil or arrogant, but attractive people. You
probably just don't give a damn, but its
everyone else's fault if you don't because
you're too awesome to have any real faults.


What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Oh my, amazing how they can be so accurate. Then again damn these quizzes, where's the interesting ones when you need them? Right better stop doing them before I get addicted. Argh, I'm bored going to find something to burn or take apart.

Yours Truly,
Nayt

Remember when I wrote down about how physical pain is way much better then emotional pain? It's still damn true. I cut myself again, using a blunt blade and this time it really hurts. I can't feel any life in my pink finger, it was jerking like hell when I was cutting myself. Of course maybe some of you are wondering why the hell did I do that? Or maybe you're just going, oh she's psycho it doesn't matter. I just needed to remind myself of things. I just needed to snap myself back into reality I guess, and yes I do notice I'm avoiding happiness but damn that.

I just realized the blade I used wasn't sterilized. If the blade isn't sterilized am I suppose to put something? Ah oh well, don't care if it gets infected. If it falls off boo hoo, I'll rot in my grave anyway. I don't understand why people just can't mind their own lives, yea sure there's that, "You're my friend, I care for you," but that's just not convincing enough. Unless they're giving you this damn long speech, well yea maybe. Still I just had to cut myself. I've been too happy and I shouldn't be. There has to be a catch in this, like in a way I'll just end up in tears or just angry with this things are... or will be. I do see that coming though, an example, my favourite singer is leaving this year but will be going next year to Australia in February. She said that she’d get a job at school till she leaves. To me, that's probably one of the worst things that could happen. It's just like, who's going to be there for me to look up to? It's just so going to be horrible when she's gone... Like, part of my world is going to die, 'cause there's no amazement... no music... There's just no life.

Well at least one day, when people are ask who's the greatest singer of all time? I could just say, I knew the greatest singer of all time and she still is. That's just enough to keep me smiling... ahhh... What am I doing, I'm being emotional in the wrong way again. See what I mean? I was doing really fine of not caring about anything. Now my heart is just growing again and I'm feeling those emotions I used too. Hell, if it weren’t for those emotions that I had before this damn site wouldn't have existed then right? Why can I not be heartless, anyone there who wants to rip my heart out? Please feel free and if you're Satan then GO AWAY. Oh well, once I get out of Brunei I guess I can do that. It's kind of working here for me, except that there are bits and pieces of my heart out there that I just can't burn or bury away.

One of the things that I find really fragile is a child's heart. You know when you say or do the wrong thing, even though it's just like a little mistake like taking something from them, they just cry? Well okay they're just little kids that just cries for no reason at all. Probably one of the worst things they could do other then crying is just shutting up. Some kids actually do shut up, wonderful ain't it? Anyways, see when they shut up and you keep on yapping, that's when they're thinking like...

She doesn't care if I'm upset
I'm just invisible, If I just walk away they wouldn't notice
I'm just a waste of their time

I am serious, it's like they automatically switch their negatives on and just think negative. Don't you just feel horrible like after hours of none stop talking, you finally notice how quiet the kid has been and so you ask yourself, "Is she tried or is she sad about something?" Geez, great thinking genius. So yea, you figured out the kid is sad about something and you nag them to tell you and when they do... Boom... You made them upset. You discouraged them. You had made them lose confident in themselves and this type of thing, they just carry it for the rest of their lives. So yea, you see, you should always make the kid smile every 5 seconds, 'cause how they turned into when they grow up, might be your fault.

Yours Truly,
Nayt

Crushes comes and goes, but what if you never had any strong feelings for them? It's just strange how one day you're boy crazy but the next day, you don't get that feeling anymore. There's no more sparks or butterflies in your stomach. Sigh. Missing those feelings could probably the worst emotion ever. There's no one that's the first and last thing on your mind 'cause there's no one out there to be your Robin Hood and just steal your heart. Bloody hell what am I saying. Well it is true anyway, once you don't get that feeling anymore, you sometimes just lose what you felt for everything else. You know when you'd just die over how black that nail polish is, but now to you it's just nail polish. Alright maybe that's not a good example, but maybe you'll get the picture.

Probably one of the worst thing that could happen to you is, if you fall for a guy who everyone leasts expects you fall for. Heck it might even shock you too. Then again, it could be your imagination that's just taking you over pretty well. It's like you never had a clue... till it was too late and it just hits you in the head. Like... Oh my god.. Have I fallen for him? Hate it when things like this take you on by suprise. Oh well, confusions, confusions and it's always the same thing as usual. Questions, questions and questions... and did i mentioned questions? well it's true anyway. One day I'll just run out of things to complain about that I'll probably end up making shitty stuff up.

argh.. I'm blank..

Yours Truly,
Nayt