Sigh, I can just feel the rage boiling inside of me. I know tomorrow isn't going to be a good day if it was, then there is proof that there are angels watching over us... And if they did... I guess they've fallen... Falling down, down, down... wings burning... and they could taste their sweat, but they would confuse it with their tears... and they do nothing but keep on falling till they're gone... and nothing but a memory. The thing is... when angels do fall... they don't actually go anywhere... they just keep on falling... they're stuck in now... with no beginning and with no ending... it's a fairytale that was kept as a dark secret... Where do these angels end up in the end? Could they be walking around us or is it all a dream... just a dream... and nothing but a dream.

Would you believe sometimes I just get sick of talking about death and blood? Well not really but what I find really pathetic are those who "try" and believe me it's the most trying act I've ever seen, to kill themselves. They cut themselves with cutters all over their body and what? There's no pain. Is it worth to kill yourself painlessly? In life there 3 types of pain, emotional, mental and physical. It's better to have mental pain then emotional but it is better to have physical pain then emotional. Emotional pain can scar you for life while mental... well you just won't realize... and physical is to wake you up from this endless god damn fucking dreams that we keep having. The dream of what? That we're all going to live happily ever after? That there's actually something out there for us? That we have a reason to roam around this earth searching for that screwed up reason why the bloody cunt we're here?

Is life really worth it? Or are we here to give ourselves a meaning on why we deserve to be here? Why we're part of everything just like all of those who made a difference...

Sigh... nothing but a memory or a dream

Yours Truly,
Nayt

Maybe if I stay in the darkness it'll all go away... I won't let the light touch me, piercing into my skin and digging its pinpricks rays into my bones... No I won't let it... I'll stay in the darkness, it's safe, it's cold, it's... it's what I call home. I want to forget, I want it to drown but it's the only thing I got. Is this they way God chose it to be? Am I supposed to end up this way? Only I alone can change my destiny? Where the hell did that... wait, there's that word again... alone... It feels like it's beginning to be the breathe I take it... I'm obsessed... I'm obsessed in being alone, but I don't want to be alone... why can't you stay? Just stay here with me... We can laugh and play... please don't go... just stay... don't hurt me like that... please, I need you.

That didn't make sense at all did it? There's no reason to the answer, there's no payment to the price... There are just thoughts that keep on building up and the thoughts go deeper and deeper, just like the needle they use to take your blood out, isn't that interesting? Needles just pricking in, just wanting your blood... It's not like you're going to miss it anyway. It's like, you're smiling when you know you shouldn't, but by smiling does it show that you're strong or you're cold? How could some things prove that you're strong or you're pathetic? Like, if you were to kill someone, doesn't that make you strong 'cause you were able to do the deed? Or does it make you pathetic 'cause you couldn't find another way to solve it. Does slowly killing yourself is the answer? But is it worth to die a painless death when all you needed was to feel the pain and anger inside of you, flowing through your veins... Just trying to find its way out, 'cause all it wants is out... letmeoutletmeoutletmeout... I'm burning inside... I need to get out, why do you chain me? Why am I chained to the ground? Why can't I touch you? Consume you in a kiss and feel your heart beating in mine, just tasting your salty tears as it slowly burns in the air... Just to let it out... letmeoutletmeoutletmeout... I can't take it, why am I on my knees crying? No one's going to hear me, no one wants to be near me... why, why? Why am I here? I can't feel my wings... They chopped off my wings, they won't let me go... letmeoutletmeoutletmeout... Let me out... please... Let me go...

That didn't make sense either did it? I can feel it, inside of me... I can feel that... that... pain... but it can't be, this can't be pain... no... This is much sweeter, but why am I crying? What's wrong with me... why... why am I bleeding? Dear God I'm bleeding... no... It can't be... I don't want to go yet, no, let me stay. I need to be here... Take away my wings, burn them, bury them, please don't give it back... Don't let them grow... I don't want to fly away... letmestayletmestay... I belong here, I am made to roam around... Is this the only way? Isn't there another? Why me, why me... They need me, it's not whether I need them or not, they need me. It's all that matters, I have to stay for them... No... Let the voices out of my head, I don't want to hear them, I'm staying... letmestayletmestayletmestay... Can't you feel my dieing heart? Can't you feel the faith and hope I have? Does it have to end this way? Why can't I stop bleeding? It's hurting me... too much... no... No... Don’t let them take it away... it's what I am... it's who I want to be... no. It's slitting my heart... it's carving another heart out... oh god... I can feel it burning inside of me... no, don't... I need to be whole, I need to stay... letmestayletmestayletmestay...

I got reasons to go... and I got reasons to stay... I can't love without hating... I can't fly without falling... I can't remember... without forgetting... I need this, but I don't want it... I can't find my wings... I've searched everywhere... but I can't see... it's not because I'm blind... but my heart is... no... It can't be.. I need you to stay... stay with me...

Yours Truly,
Nayt

I tried to cry, but I can't. I thought I've let go of the pain, but I didn't. I'm trying to understand, I really am, but why is it that, when I cry, there's no one around? Why is it that when I want to share something, they act like they don't wanna listen? Is it me? Or is it them? Is this a test? Of my will? My desire? Is it the blood inside of me, finally working its will? Just waking up my heart, let it face reality after the dream that turned into a nightmare? Striking my heart with a blade, giving me a wound that I could never find but all I could do was bleed... and bleed... That's all I do, just bleed and when it feels like the wounds are finally healing, they just bleed again. Does it always have to be this way? Isn't there another way? A way to let go of everything, a way to just end these emotions, to just forget about life... to... to end it with the pain inside, with the hatred, the rage... the lies... everything...

What's worst... are facts... facts that's been proven true, like you wanting to be someone else or that when you say something, bout doing something... it never happens, cause your heart ain't loyal enough... well you could prove them wrong right? What if they're right? Do you really have a heart that's true, a heart that's loyal? Or is it just pretending now and just can't wake till you realized... you were lying all the long. It hurts to hear my friends say in my face that I'm not that type of person... that they could think when I find someone else, someone better, someone I would look up even more too... even more then the person I look up too now... It made me want cry, to think one day, I could do something like that... That... what I feel inside... I would one day... have the heart to... to feel the same for someone else... it doesn't make sense... but... yeah... What I feel now... I feel lucky... That I could learn to fall in love all over again, every time I hear her sing... I just fall in love all over again... It's like I know, she's the one I wanna be when I grow up... I know that I'm never alone, I know that once in my life, there was someone that I cared... but I guess all of us have a secret that we don't tell anyone... Things are just meant to be that way... and sometimes you don't wanna know but maybe, maybe that secret will hurt you... kill you inside... What's the secret? What's the story? Will someone tell me? Does it really exist? Yes it does... Just like you and me... They exists... and they all hurt... they all hurt.

I just can't understand why I'm here... I mean sure people say I achieve a lot of things... maybe it's so that I could give myself a reason here... but I don't see a reason for me to be here... it's like I'm just this thing... Just wasting space and I know... I could feel it... I don't make a difference to anything; I don't make a difference to anybody... I don't make a difference with me... What am I really doing here? Do I really have a reason? Or am I suppose to just wait here... just wait for my time... maybe I could make it come quicker... then that way... well... there's no difference... I just won't be here... I won't be here to waste people's time... so that they could give me fake smiles... so that they could just walk past me... just another face in the crowd... just another heart to destroy...

I've never felt so much rage in me... worst of all... I don't know why... It's like... for the first time... I felt the rage and the hate and the pain and the desire and the goddamn fucking endless loneliness that goes on and on without end, and the lies, the promises, the secrets, the futures that I could bloody never have. What? It's something that's too deep from someone who's never ever actually let someone into her life before? Well I have. My heart was there and it got burned... my soul was there... and it got killed. I'm lost... not lost in forever... but lost in now... there's no beginning, there's no ending... there's only now... and now hurts. It's all the devil's etiquette... This is my redemption... this is my punishment... this was the reason why my wings were cut off by both the devils and the angels... They wanted me to taste it... They wanted me to understand... They wanted my wounds to heal... but it never could... it just bleed... over and over again...

But I don't... I don't understand... I don't understand why I cry... when I don't want too... why I don't cry when I want too... Why I can't taste pain at it's fullness... Pain is a desire... and the desire burns in the fire... it tells a story... it shows a vision... but I don't understand... I don't understand the language of the fire... cause it does nothing but hurts me... every time... All the time

Yours Truly,
Nayt