Must be the adrenaline. I couldn't sleep last night... probably spent 5 hours just twisting and turning in bed and I only got 4 hours of sleep. I tried sleeping back but I can feel that "excitement" in my heart. The funny part is, what am I excited for? All of my best friends aren't coming tonight for my recital and well I guess I can't blame them. One went to KL, the other to Perth, the other can't go because of the other one who went to Perth... and the other one... I rather she spends time with her special someone then sit for around 4 hours listening to the bunch of us kids show our "talent." I guess this all works for me, rather them having fun then me smiling like an idiot. It's kind of amazing really, the people who I want to come and watch something that I'm doing, just never come and watch. There're always reasons to them, I mean it's not like they did it on purpose really. Right now all I have is a bad cough and kind of a sore throat and hopefully, it'll be well tonight. Heck, I'll probably get upstage by someone else who can sing better then me. Well most likely. I mean like, I think I can sing, but I don't think I'm "that" good. I love singing, I really do, but there are times when my passion for it, just kinds of slips away till I hear a certain someone singing... then yeah... singing is just all beautiful, it's an amazing instrument but what most people say are, "Anyone can sing." As if. There's a huge difference with someone who can sing and someone who just sounds nice. I mean seriously, you try and go for singing lessons and tell me that there is not a time where you wish you could punch the teacher in the face and just take over the whole lesson, but hell, you know you can't, so it stops you from doing that or unless you're close to a mental break down... then that's a different matter.

It kinds of makes you wonder, those people who aren't coming, will they give you a little message like, good luck? have fun? Slay the crowd? Then again I guess you can't expect much, because expectations usually ends up in a heart ache. And damn, those are the things you want to avoid, but hey, you don't really do you? You know, just a little message or something, maybe even a surprise visit somewhere? Oh I don't know, but hell, I'm not actually upset about them not going for some reason. I guess it's cause I know they don't actually have the control of what's happening and when it is happening. Well, just some. Plus, I don't actually have a reason to be upset, well I'm not, but for some reason, I don't know, just have that excited feeling in me? I guess maybe I know it's my fault that the one I really wanted to come, can't come, 'Cause well, I want her to be happy and yeah, I guess it makes me happy when she is. This a definite proof that I don't know myself much. I still feel like I can run and start flying... I'll try that later, on the road and not the roof.

You know how some people just don't want to give a real rose because it dies quickly and that's going to be like a symbol of their love? Either that or they're just damn ass cheap. Well, what the hell is up with giving something plastic? It lasts? Yeah and it's fake too, talk about sweet affection. I mean like sure roses wilt over time, but like if it's take care of, it'll keep on blooming. Just like love, it doesn't actual last unless you take care of it. A rose is real, it's pure, it's a natural thing. Unlike something that's plastic, it's artificial, it's made and love grows... it's not made. I mean if you were to give a plastic rose instead of a real rose, you'd give those same reasons right? You just never looked from the actual rose's point of view. For sure a plastic rose doesn't have thorns, so basically you're saying you'll never hurt them, I mean come on that is one giant pile of bull. Love hurts, it's the only way you can tell if you really love them or not. Love is based on trust and appreciation and hope. Well, so far that's what I've learnt, not that I've fallen but someone pointed that out to me. It completely changes you're perspective. Seriously, if you don't learn to appreciate that person with every single, little thing they do... then it is definitely not love. Then again... what do I know? What do we all know? It's only something we're all going to learn one day... It'll be like waking up in a dream... well that's what they told me.

Yours Truly,
Nayt

You know when you think you know yourself... and like, one day, everything that you love, it's just different. You don't get that same feeling when you smell a perfume, you don't get the same feeling when you look at hand made things... everything is just different and now... you just don't know who you are anymore. And like all I got to ask is... Who am I that you've love me this way? What did I do to deserve to be loved? When I am nothing at all, still you call for me... and all I got to say is Thank you... but... why me? I can't even recognize that girl in the mirror... 'cause I don't who I am... and what I want... and when I think I do... In the end I don't... and after all this... I didn't earn anything eternal and lasting... it's all going to fade away... just going to fade away.

It's like... I wonder... When I open my eyes, from this dream... an image I created for myself... will I wake up seeing the people I love surround me? Or will I wake up... and be alone... I don't know... Things are just getting weirder for me. I'm just confused right now and like, I can hardly say what I really want to say... but I know... I know... that right now... I'm happy... and that's important to me right now... I'm finally... really... truly happy and I don't care if I'm confused or whatever... but I'm happy... Thanks...

Yours Truly,
Nayt

When you're at your happiest moment, somehow that feeling is going to be taken away, whether you want it to or not. Maybe it's because I programmed myself to just feel low... So that I don't stay in the clouds too long. It's like, as if nature is against me and just doesn't want me to learn how to smile. Maybe I'm exaggerating but it just feels like it. I can't be that little girl anymore, where my world was protected and I didn't had to know what it was really like out there... All I had was a world revolving around me, but hell, what am I saying. My world was simple, all "they" had to do was tell me what to do, where to go, and then all I had was a routine. Same old thing from the first day of school and nothing would change. Everybody pretends, it's all they do. There's nothing else out there, but you try to find it anyway. It's just not there; it's only a story... just a story.

I kind of feel useless now, and forgotten... It's like everything is just empty and meaningless. I mean, I know I strive myself for perfection, so that I could do good things, wait no, I plan on doing great things but I just can't seem to find where to start. I mean, I try, I really do, just to find something to do, to show the world that I'm here and I want to do something. Like, let me do something. Is there anybody out there who's going to give me a chance? Maybe a second thought or a second glance? I guess sometimes it's my fault because I'm too scared that I might goof up, that I won't leave the impression that I wanted, but hell, I guess you have to go through the wrongs to reach the right... right?

Probably one of the shortest post in history, but yeah, can't think of anything right now... just need to get away.

Yours Truly,
Nayt

Maybe somehow, one day, I'll be able to break my chains and see what the world is really like. I know my boundaries, I know my limitations but I do not know my expectations. I want to cross that line, I want to show them that maybe I could be the one to touch heaven... and like, maybe one day, I would be the one that they adore. I guess right now all I want is actual taste of power, to have everything done for me, to be feared. I remember how it felt to hear their voice tremble, to see that fear in their eyes. I could smell it. They knew that they would walk out of that room alive, yes; I was going to let them walk out of that room alive... They'd still be walking but their soul would be crippled. That's fear... that's power.

Some people believe that people are actually born evil, like it's a light switch, where you could just turn it on. I find that a lie. I think evil is a journey and it just takes time to get it all out. I guess it's usually our ambitions that drive us to such measures. The only thing that holds us from letting that evil surface are the people around us, which are also the very reason why we feel that hatred. Usually you want to avoid being that certain person, you don't want to be that cold and ruthless, but really in a way you are avoiding you're destiny. Why avoid it? Why not let it consume you? Let it take you into the darkness that you've feared... let it take you out of the light... let it breathe you in.

Sometimes I wish I wouldn't think of how my future would turn out and where I would be. Sometimes I wished, I could just fall asleep on someone's shoulder and know that when I wake up that would still be there and I would be that little girl that everyone talks about in their stories. It's like when I feel content, I start to think about how one day, they won't be there and I won't be able to share another moment like this. I begin to wonder, how much am I going to miss them? How am I going to walk on? I don't want what I feel now to be a memory; I want this to be real... I want to remember how it feels to be loved... To be loved by somebody that I admire the most and to know that one day... that one day I'll get that same feeling again and I'll still be that little girl in the story. I'm too scared of living in this image that I'm in, knowing that one day; it'll all crumble away and be blown away by the wind. I can't let go, I want to hold on, don't make me let go.

Yours Truly,
Nayt, the girl from the story