Sometimes I miss dreaming... I wonder if you stop dreaming at a certain age or something... I haven't been dreaming lately and right now it feels like I can't run anywhere... I feel alone, I feel like no one cares... and as much as I wished I don't care about that... I do. Things are changing for me and these changes come so fast that I can't keep up with it. I don't feel like crying, I don't feel like smiling, I don't feel like running away... but I feel empty and so I wonder... Was something meant to fill this hole inside of me? Or is it to be left like that till it finds a way to heal... I don't understand how or why I ended up like this, I was loved... I am loved... but maybe... maybe I just felt lonely all these years and just never saw it that way. I have friends... close friends... friends which I wished I never cared about or friends which I wished I did... either way... it never came to my mind that even though I got friends... I never had a true friend and I know a lot of us could relate to this. Now, it's so easy for people to come close. People are close cause of the technology we have, every time when we go to a chat room, we set the environment. We are forced to talk about things online just to keep a conversation going, it's not like we could run away from it really when we got nothing else to do. There are no situations when you go online; situations are only caused by the outside world... by what is happening now... Friendship seems to be so easily build in a matter of days that none of us ever actually stop to think about... What actually is friendship? Is friendship really somebody who you could trust, never get sick of, someone who would listen to you, someone who would not judge you, someone who sincerely cares? If that's a yes to you... then stop... Look, read it all over again... It's all about you... Have you ever stopped and considered if friendship is not about if you need her friendship but if she needs yours? If you haven't... Then it's something to think about...

I don't know what's been going on in my head lately, but I wished somehow I would at least have the tiniest idea of what I want. Maybe it's because I'm trying so hard to fix things myself that I can't stop to listen to whatever my problem is... Or maybe I'm creating more problems in my mind. I want to grow up... but I want to stay like a child... but no, there's no room for that. I can't stay in the middle, I have to decide... I got all of the time in the world... but even that is running out and I got no where to hide... I can't hide myself, but I can't show who I am... I don't even know who I am... All I know is I'm a little girl... A little girl who just wants to go home... but where is home? I can't seem to find it... I couldn't have forgotten it... home... I want to go home... You'll take me home, won't you? Wait... No one's there, who am I talking to? I'm alone again... All alone and no one else is going to be there... I don't want anyone to be there for me, but I want someone there... Someone who I can talk to... but I'm alone... I cry alone... I sing alone... I smile alone... even though I got people around me... No one really stops to listen... No one really stops to care... Am I being selfish? But what's wrong with being selfish when all you want... Sigh, what do I want? My life seems to be empty... yet in a way it's complete... I'm still young... maybe this is a phase... but why does it have to last for so long... so long... too long... and there's this tune in my head... I wonder if anyone else could hear it... maybe I should just be left alone... maybe that's how things are suppose to be... I like being alone sometimes... but then... it just gets to lonely...

All I do

All I do is sit in my corner and cry,
No one cares enough to ask me why,
All I do is sit in my corner alone,
Waiting for a message on the phone.
All I do is cry myself to sleep,
And no one cares if I weep,
All I do is cry every night,
Knowing I’m in a pointless fight.
All I do is sing my little song,
Telling myself I’ve done no wrong,
All I do is sing my little tune,
Hoping someone would save me soon.
All I do is write poems for you,
Wishing one day you knew,
All I do is cry and pray,
Why did you take my heart away?


Yours Truly,
Nayt

Reflection...

It's the screaming in my head that wakes me up... I can't run away from it... I can't hide from it... It's been haunting me, the same thing over and over again... It's all in my head, it's all in my head... but it's so loud... Too loud... So loud that everything turns into silence... Have I gone deaf? Forget that, It doesn't matter, it's the screaming.. It's too loud... It's piercing me, oh make it stop, make it stop... but wait... wait... shhh, listen. That's not a proper scream... what is that? Shh, just listen... But then what is a proper scream? Maybe she can tell me. Make her scream... Makeherscream... Now, now... Let her scream, Let her cry her eyes out... on her knees... Yes, she's screaming... Oh she's screaming. They have a word for this... Yes, what was it? Torture? That could fit the description... Oh let her scream... Let her scream... Don't let her stop, no one's gonna hear her... No one's gonna love her, no, no one. Go on, scream... scream... Scream at the top of your lungs; scream till your throat starts to bleed. Scream till it hurts; Go on, keep on screaming... You're alone, you're always gonna be alone, no one cares, you're nothing, absolute nothing... Go on B*tch, Scream.

Everything that you love, everything that you've ever cared for... hah... It's all going to be gone, you'll be left with nothing... nothing but memories... memories that'll haunt you every single waking moment, and you'll never be able to run away from it... and when you try to fall asleep... when you try to forget about everything... It's all going to come back... you'd be wishing to bleed, just to feel the pain, Just to remind yourself what it's really felt like... You're lost and you know that, and each step you take, it's all a mistake... You're on the edge, but you still hold on... Oh I hate you... I hate you so much... I hate you... Just let go, Give in, Let the hatred consume you, why do you still care... why... Stop crying... You're pathetic... Stop it... stop your whimpering... I said stop it... Just shut up! Shut up, shut up... Bloody hell shut up! Look in the mirror, Look at yourself, Go on, Look. Do you recognize her? It's you God damn it, It's you, this is what you are. This is what you've always been. You know you want to give up; you know you want to... Then do it, do it! It'll find you... It will always find you... It'll bring you back. I promise it'll bring you back.

Yours Truly,
Nayt

In order for me to control what I want, I gotta control what I have... but first, I gotta control me. It's hard trying to do the right things all the time; it's just that at one point in your life, you just gotta do one thing to ruin it 'cause well, that's the only way to get attention basically. A lot of stupid things that we do are basically a cry to get notice, to be loved... or maybe, it's just one way of getting away from everything. Sigh, if it was possible to just ruin your life at one point and then get it all right the next day, but you can't. The world's not like that... so you're forced to do everything so secretive, as if this could ruin your life... and it could, but why do you do it? Is it the thought of getting caught and wondering what their reaction would be? Is it because somewhere in your mind you've been telling yourself, "They won't care, they won't care... but what if they're hurting inside?" Is risking losing everything that you love the most worth it? I say it is.

Human emotions... Human emotions... They're so weak, they're so pathetic, but even though I think of it like this... I'm still not ready to get rid of them... and I do wonder why... By choice I could just stop caring and keep everything to myself... but by birth... I am human and I need to be love... why oh why... Would everything really be empty if you had no one to care about in your life? Is it really important to love yourself? Is it really important to care? Why do we fear of being alone? Why do we fear of silence? We're raised with all the sounds around us that we never ever stop to listen to the sounds that aren't there... Not everything could be answered... and not everything has an answer... Still we don't lose hope in the world... We don't lose hope in God... but we always lose hope in ourselves and there's always someone out there that helps you to regain it... but why? Why does this one stranger care about what we feel, who we are? You've only just met and here they are, sitting there beside you, talking to you online or leaving a msg somewhere saying that you could talk about anything with them... *flash back* Wait, that was the same thing my best friend said to me... and look where we are now, we hardly talk, we don't see each other and I... I never knew where our friendship really stood or whether we were real friends or not... maybe it was just a label, like everyone else... I just labeled them as my best friend... that's okay... I'm still searching for my true friend... but hey, I've lost hope, I've lost trust and I'm beginning to lose my sanity... they're not out there... It was just another myth that was made up.

Sometimes I just sit around, waiting for a phone call, a msg maybe from somebody I love telling me that they hate me... why? 'Cause I need to cry... but there's nothing there to trigger it... I could start crying over little things, like spilling milk or maybe just a little tease from someone... anything, just to make me cry... Please... I need to let it out... but then again, if I do... Then who's in control? I can't break down, I mustn't break down... no, no, it'll ruin everything. I gotta start now; I have to reinvent myself... This can't be me... That can't be me crying in the mirror... Let's try to smile... Yeah there's a smile... but why does it still hurt? Why does it feel like I'm burning inside? No, no, no, I can't lose... I cannot cry... I mustn't break down... I must not be human... but I still am... why oh why me... Why am I crying... why does it hurt so much? I don't know what I want, and yet I got everything I've asked... but why am I still crying... why...

Yours Truly,
Nayt

When it feels like God hates me... I finally realize that he loves me much more each day... You know how you make a wish and it just seems like it'll never come true... until one day when you just feel that everything's going to be crashing down, you finally realized you got what you wished for... but there was a price you had to pay to realized this... was it worth it in a way? Who knows... Guess you gotta wait to see what happens in the end...

I've always wanted my life to be some sort of fairy tale, I'd be the little girl who'd knew how to do a lot of things and was just natural at everything I do... In other words, I just wanted to be perfect... and by doing that I just thought well... I gotta make friends with the popular kids first right? And so I did... My "best friends..." I don't know, maybe they really were or maybe they weren't... but we were friends and that was enough for me... Though they shared more things with each other then they did to me, I didn't mind, 'cause these girls were my best friends and I knew I was going to be alright. Again, I lived in a sort of image; yet again... maybe this was reality... Did I have best friends or did I not? Were they really my friends or did I just created that idea? Did I let them take advantage of me, just so that they would accept me? Well, a tick to the last one. Why, oh why was I like that? Why was I not different? Why could I not think of what was foolish and what was not? Did I really need that attention... Sigh, in the end I did. I needed them, because they were my friends... but did they consider me theirs?

As usual, everyone in life ends up with at least 1 person hating them. Makes you wonder, why they can't leave you alone and go on messing their own life... wait... cancel that, they got none. I mean you wouldn't really care if that person doesn't even know you... but what if they did, and they was your best friend? Plus, considering you were a very deprived little girl, she was one of your first proper best friends. What would you do if she hated you for a reason that just doesn't seem to exist? Maybe she hated you for what you did, what you said then again maybe she just hates you. Yes, yes I've heard, losing friends is just part of life and you just gain more in the end anyway... but what if you don't? Then you'll be alone... All alone, no one to take care of you, no one to love you, no one to give you their honest opinion whether the dress makes you look like a ripped banana or not... No one wants to be alone, but at some point there are times when you want to. Just to forget about the world and just wanting to soar high in the sky, just letting the thoughts slip away and let bliss enter in... When you're alone, you start to think, when you start to think, you end up with unanswered questions, when you got unanswered questions it leads you more to unanswered questions... but in the end it'll lead you to the same conclusion, over and over again. You're alone, your sister's not going to be there, your mother's not going to be there, your best friend’s not going to be there.... and not even your soul.... Then that's how you end up with evil, if only you were to learn not to love or not to care... maybe then you would be ready... but for now... You're loved... and it hurts 'cause you keep on wondering... Is this another image?

Yours Truly,
Nayt

Good night to you and I pray that you'll forget me soon

I guess we'll have to start all over again...

I guess we acted like nothing really has happened... Just that we've renewed our friendship and finally come to an understanding... which I can't seem to recall what it is... but it's somewhere in our heads I guess...

I’ll never tell

I’ll never tell you,
What I feel inside,
I’ll never tell you,
The feelings I hide.

I’ll never tell you,
How beautiful you are,
Or how I wished you’d knew,
You’re my star.

I’ll never tell you,
How I wished you were here,
When I fell in love,
Or what I really fear.

I’ll never tell you,
How much I’ve cried,
Wishing you’d knew,
Why I lied.

I’ll never tell you,
The secret I’ve kept,
Wishing one day you’d knew,
How I really felt.

And I’ll never tell you,
You’re the first to make me cry,
You’re the first I loved,
You’re the first I’ve told “goodbye.”

Sometimes, I like to imagine, that somehow you'd feel the same... but then that's just a dream... and I know my boundaries. I know I don't have a chance, but that doesn't really matter to me, 'cause I know that you're finally happy and even though... I was the closest one to you, though I know I wasn't close enough... I hope you'll let her in and not shut her out as much as you did to me... Even though I might not be the one who you choose to let in, then please, at least let someone else...

Seems like a lot of people are going on hiatus and amazingly, everyone's bad month/week are all the same. Nature must have plans then. In a way it does make me wonder, why do we bother checking online Journals? Why do I have an online Journal? Well other then to share my thoughts with the readers out there, but mostly, people talk about what's going on in their lives, what they've been doing, what they think of, while mine is usually full of thoughts and questions that just seems to open up to even much more questions... but do we all mostly share the same view? Have we ever really stopped to think and asked why me? Remember when Mars was visible on earth? How many of us have actually prayed to God, saying thank you for making it possible... but then I guess you ask why, why pray to him thanks? Well how many of us get to see a planet up-close without being blasted to outer space to drink recycled urine and stuff? Is there an actual reason why God made it possible? Is it because he wanted us to see the beauty of his creations or is it to show us how one day the human race will be extinct because of another planet being to close either squashing us or killing us with it's heat and radiation? A lot of things have 2 sides to its story, ever tried to see your story from other people's point of view?

I'm still imagining how it's going to be once you're gone... I know I'll see you again, but I guess it's just making me realized that there's going to be a point where I don't. Sometimes I think about the things you've told me, and I think about them more, I begin to understand that pain, how you seemed to sacrifice a lot of things just for someone who would never do the same... We both see the world differently; I'm addicted to bad vibes, pain, torture... While you search for a place where you could be loved... Truly loved. You and I are different, but how is it possible that we've made a connection? How is it possible that we've grown so close less then a year? How is it possible that I've grown attached to you when I've learnt that, that is the only way I could get hurt? I really don't know how to put what I feel for you into words but I know that I do care, I sincerely do care... and it hurts me to know that I do, Is this really a sign of my weakness or my strength? How do I know if I'm actually strong and not cold hearted? How would I know? I'm so scared to hold on, 'cause I don't want to be weak... but I'm soulless without you... and it hurts 'cause I know I need someone to care for me... One day I'm going to wake up and then I'll ask myself, "Were you just a dream?" "Did I really have a friend who was like a sister to me?" "Did she really care for me like the way I wanted her too?" but then... What if I start crying? What If I start remembering, that was real... everything was real and now she's gone... Have I slept that long? Was she just another false creation of the mind? Or was she sent here to remind me that I'm human... I have a heart... I have a soul... and that I am loved by God and her...

Yours Truly,
Nayt

I know that I have never really been a great sister to you, but whether you like it or not we're made with the same flesh and blood and if we were to bleed... we'd be one... 'cause you and I are the same, we just see the world differently. I know you're hurting every night, I know you cry nearly every time when you enter your room... I know that every time you get a phone call or message from someone, you either smile and giggle or cry your eyes out... I know you've been hurt in a lot and different ways... I know you want to lose hope in everything but you don't because you want to fight, you want to win, either cause you're just bull headed as I am or because you're you and you know what you want... I can't act like I care because when I do, you push me away, and the each time when we get really close and the more you learn about who I really am... you don't want to, you don't want to know me as this girl who is hurting inside just as much as your are... and the only way for me to be there for you is to act like I don't give a damn about you, but you know I do... You don't want to get close to your sister... but you want to get close to a complete stranger, someone who could never really care for you the way you want them too... So I try, I act like I don't respect you, I act like I'm the misunderstanding arrogant little girl that you imagine me to be... but no matter what, I choose to stand right beside you, but just like your shadow you don't notice me and when you realize that I will always be there for you, you don't want me to be because you're scared that I really do care for you... you're in love with pain, you're in love with the loneliness, you're in love with the never ending suffering and I have cried so much for you that now I don't even have tears for myself... In the end, all you're going to have is family, and I am your family... and in the end... you're always going to be the one that I run to 'cause you're my sister and we we're linked, we share the same blood... You are my sister and don't you forget that.

"Face The Truth" by Rufio

You take a look around.
You don't like what you see.
There's people you don't know.
But you know they care.

It's been so long since you've heard the hurting words.
I care for you, and it's right this time.
Forget your past, and see what is now.
Even if you don't want to, you gotta face the truth.
You gotta face the truth.

You take a look around.
You don't like what you see.
There's people you don't know.
But you know they care.

You wait to say good-bye.
"Someday" may come along.
Not thinking of reality.
You make the most of your lies.
A broken heart comes crashing down.
And you're stabbed from behind.
Not willing to admit the truth?
Just face the truth.

You gotta face the truth...

You take a look around.
You don't like what you see.
There's people you don't know.
Why don't you care?

You wait to say good-bye.
"Someday" may come along.
Not thinking of reality.
You make the most of your lies.
A broken heart comes crashing down.
And you're stabbed from behind.
Not willing to admit the truth?
Just face the truth.

Why don't you care?

You wait to say good-bye.
"Someday" may come along.
Not thinking of reality.
You make the most of your lies.
A broken heart comes crashing down.
And you're stabbed from behind.
Not willing to admit the truth?
Why don't you care?


You know I care... so why don't you?

Yours Truly,
Nayt

Life is a story... life is a fairytale... life is a book... A book that's been burning in hell...

I can't help but to hate the world and I have no use of caring for those who I know won't care for me. She says that she does, I know in a way she does... but not even her tears did convince me, not even her pleads... All I know and all I could hear was “Liar, Liar, Liar..." She has not even begun to try to understand me... Has she even tried to see what I might face, what might become of me? Do I always have to seek attention from her, just wanting to be loved the way I want her you love me? When all she does is push me away... just pushing me away... and she will never let me in, not even dare to look at me in the eye because she does not love me... she's part of me... but she does not love me and if it wasn't a sin to hate her own sister, who is made by the same flesh and carries the same blood... she would.

I'm going to learn to forget you... you're not worth it... I don't know why I've ever called you my best friend... You never knew the times when I cried... You never knew the times when I felt alone... You never knew the times when I was happy and the times when I smiled and before I couldn't help but to look at you, seeing that you were looking at me too... It makes me wonder... do you feel the same. Are you hiding it too? I don't really want to find the answers to those questions... now when you look at me... you won't see you in my eyes anymore... you won't see me smiling at you when I walk on by... you won't see me stopping to give you a hug... you won't see me looking your way and you won't see me cry... I'm not giving myself to my emotions... I'm not giving up what I believe in for you... because I know... you wouldn't too...

Yours Truly,
Nayt

Fate must really be against me... I said today was going to be a really bad day but then everything turned okay. Everything just started bad... and well, I know I should be grateful that today was a good day but for once, can't I really be right about something for once? Oh well, I'm too much in a good mood to go all sadistic today.

Then again... thinking back to yesterday... It wasn't really a good day, I've been "P.M.S"ing for a couple of days and I guess it's because everything just feels so wrong... Ah, I don't know... I guess it's just one of those confusing times as a teenager, God how I wish I could just be a little girl once again. I believe a lot of you can relate to that... just being a little girl, everything seemed so easy, who knew this was the world we were bound to live in, but I guess in a way we knew it was coming... we just didn't want to face the facts, that one day... All the pain and all the things we never understood... would just come all packed in a shell... just waiting to blow up on us. *Sigh* I can't help but to stare at him wishing that somehow he could've been mine... and when I look at her, knowing that she's with him... I'm not jealous, but all I could think of is... that she's with him and I'm not... and I still remember... what it felt like... when he told me that he felt the same way for her...

Endlessly by B4-4
Late at night you called on a phone,
We talked about the day,
When you found out she was cheating.
You tell that it hurts to the bone,
To trust someone that way.
To find that she was deceiving,
And I know I've always just been your friend,
But if you look my way,
I'll make sure you'll never hurt again.

Do you know I exist, just to promise you this,
Endlessly to be true to you,
And if you answer my prayer,
I cross my heart and I'd swear
Endlessly to be true to you,
And if you'd only see,
How beautiful you and I would be, endlessly.

Ohh, oh yeah.

I remember when you fell in love,
I could not believe…
That it was not with me
I sent a secret prayer up above,
And put my heart away.
So that you could be free.
And I know that right now you're broken in two,
But did you know my heart's been broken since that day I met you.

Do you know I exist, just to promise you this,
Endlessly to be true to you,
And if you answer my prayer,
I cross my heart and I'd swear
Endlessly to be true to you,

And in my sweetest dream,
You've learn to put your faith in me, endlessly,
Sometimes the thing you need,
Is the one thing you can't see
If you put your faith in me,
How beautiful you and I would be.

Do you know I exist, just to promise you this,
Endlessly to be true to you,
And if you answer my prayer,
I cross my heart and I'd swear
Endlessly to be true to you,

And if you'd only see
How beautiful you and I would be, endlessly

I can relate to every single word in that song and it's painful to know that I can... I've always loved this song, but I never could imagine how one day I could relate to it... I can't believe I'm turning into one of those girls... I guess I should be grateful that I still have him as part of my life... but that's something I plan to let go... I keep holding on to our friendship, but I really don't think he does... All he wants is for me to only see the surface... but to let me see who he really is... never. I guess I'm just going to slowly slip away... not that he'll notice... cause to him, I'm nothing but just another memory...

Yours Truly,
Nayt