Dear Reader,

I know why she's hurting, I know why her heart is aching, I know why she wants to cry though she forbids herself to do so. She's hiding from the truth again, she wants to move on, but what she doesn't realize is, she doesn't want to let go. She's not so use to being happy, cheery all the time. Inside of her she finds it pathetic, useless, but she enjoys the feeling. Yes, she does, and she's finding it confusing how pain could taste so sweet. It's hurting her and even though she's happy, she's still not fully complete. When you're sad, you're just sad and that's acceptable but when you're happy... What is happy? Does she want to believe that she could fall for this "pretty-boy?" Or is she denying that she has fallen for him? Then again, maybe she's lost in his eyes. Has she drowned yet? I'm still waiting. Are you going to be weak now sister? Are you ready to be weak again? Are you?

Mind she walk down the street and see 89 again, what will she do then? Walk by him? Or say hello? But what if those feelings come again? What if those feelings were just memories? Yet, she'll still feel a connection to him. She will. She always does, but why? Why is there a connection? They'll walk pass by each other, staring into each other's eyes not realizing the other one is looking deep into the other. They'll remember. I loved them, but see, that's not the most painful memory. What's worst is, they begin to realize, they will always be special to me. Oh, maybe that doesn't really hurt, but the fact that it's true. Am I right? Am I close enough? Oh forget it then. Once again, one or the other will be confuse with their emotions. How strange. How could they hold on and hurt each other and let go. Is it truly to save their own pain or each others? Maybe they let go only to save each other's heart break, couldn't bear to crushing their heart in the future. It'll be too much pain. Does it really hurt that much sister? Does pain really feel that way? Does it really hurt that much?

Are you confuse again? Are you scared? Have you wondered if "pretty-boy" there might break your heart? Wait, he has fallen for you hasn’t he? Of course he has. All of them do. You're in control. You're always in control. You have to be. If you aren't, then what are you doing? I know you, but I don't understand you. Well it's only a human thing to love and hurt isn't it? Or is it the other way round? Oh well It doesn't matter. Oh, would you believe this part? You're actually over "ye-old-89," well I believe you are. It's not going to hurt you just as much now, 'cause I never believe you fell in love with him really. Always have thought you just loved him deeply. You ought to know, falling in love; it's just not our thing. You hate it don't you when I make a point? Wait, wait, you hate it even more when it's true. Now, stop and think, is this a fling? Puppy love? Or something that would grow into something *erk* much more then that? Are you willing to put your guard down? Are you willing to let someone you just met "in"? Scared yet? Ever wondered how the 3 little words could come out so easily? This is just another fling or puppy love right? Are you really in control sister? Do you think you are? Or is your heart taking control of you?

Yes, yes I've heard. You hate hurting like "this." It must really hurt then ey? Stop fooling yourself. You hate being weak, you hate showing your weakness. You hate to think you're like me. You hate to think that you could lower your emotions to my level, wait or is it higher? Still, there are things that make you and I different. I want knowledge, you want answers. Still they're the same, yet quite different really. For me knowledge is answers and to you, answers are just pieces of you unsolved. Look at yourself in the mirror. Look and think. Do you really think that's you in it? Could you believe this is what you are? Or could that be who you imagine yourself to be?

Yours Truly,
Nayt

I love you, I do, but what I've learnt... loving you is the only way to destroy you. I'm just like you, I get lonely too.

Dear Reader,

Stupidly I have not gone to sleep yet. It's 3:46am in the morning and I cannot rest till I can ease this curing pain in my heart. It feels like there are two forces within me, pushing and pulling me, but the question is to where? How is it when I try to be strong my heart can just ache for someone else? Why is it hurting for someone else? Why does it even care? I feel unbalanced, nearly drowsy yet I still feel alive... It must be the adrenaline. I can't calm myself down, I can't calm my thoughts. My heart seems to sway in all directions. What did he meant by, "When you see the light, just go to it." Him. Another one. He does not know me and yet he can read me. Am I in the darkness or am I in the beauty? Or am I merely on the border of both? Not even fire can calm my soul. Why is it aching this way? I shiver and tremble because I feel so weak now. I show my weakness here and I'm so afraid to show it outside. Why am I so afraid of being weak? Why can't I been weak for once? It's the only thing left to do... but it seems so, so pathetic. I can't stand myself. I don't know if I want to stay this way... to have emotions... but I feel so alive... but it hurts... does it always hurt this way? I can't understand, why me? Why now? I got nothing to do with them, but why does my heart ache for them? I know it's not my place... and I can't heal their pain... Oh God, How much I want to heal their pain... but I am nothing to them. Well, it might seem like I am something... but I will be nothing to them in the end. Nothing but a memory, or even worse... a false creation of the mind... When they sleep, will they think of me? When they cry will they remember me? When they love will they forget me?

Yours Truly,
Nayt

In my nothing you were my everything and now I know, you're never gonna care

Dear Reader,

I hate to think of myself as being alone, yet it's true. I thought I could handle it, I thought it was what I wanted... again I'm wrong. I'm confused, frustrated at the thought that I can't go on without leaning on someone. I can't go through life on my own, and this I can't deny. I thought I could over come my loneliness, but it's consuming me even more and it feels like these is nothing I could do to stop it. I need someone to talk to, but no one is there. No one is ever there. The right person is never there. Maybe I'm just being blind, maybe the only person I could fully open up to is right in front of me or maybe they don't exist. I thought she was going to be the one I'd run to, the one I would cry to, whenever I just needed someone there. I wanted it so to be her, but it ends up that it is her that I am running from. Why do I feel so alone? What happened in my life that turned me this way? Why can I not trust anyone? Is it an obsession that I feel alone, tortured by my loneliness?

I feel it is laughing at me, pointing at me telling me I will never have anyone but it. Nothing but Loneliness. It feels like it is apart of me, rushing in my veins, it is in my blood, it is the main piece to my soul, it makes me tremble to think that maybe this would be part of my life and I would grow into accepting it. What kind of fool am I to live life like this? Am I afraid of something? Or am I actually afraid to have someone beside me? I want to cry so much, but I find it pathetic if I do... I am vulnerable right now and I just want this feeling to go away... How could someone else read me? How could someone else see through me? Why could it not be you? Why couldn't you be the one I could tell everything to? Why is it that I don't fully trust you? What is it about you that makes me want to run and stay at the same time? I know in the end it won't be you who takes my pain away... I know in the end, you might be nothing but just a memory... and I am afraid of that, I am afraid of letting you go and I am afraid of letting you stay... How did it end up like this?

Yours Truly,
Nayt

Dear Reader,

Every time I think I'm closer to breaking my chains, it seems like the bonds have grown stronger. I try to stretch it but it keeps pulling me back and it's pulling me closer to the walls, as if it's just waiting for me to get close enough for the walls to consume me... My fear, it wants to consume me. I want to be weak yet I find it pathetic and it's only my pride that strives me to keep on going to search, to find something within... but I don't know what's there to search for, what is there for me to fine? Am I getting closer to it? Will I fear it or will I embrace it? Could I control it or will I run away, again and again, till I have no will in me? I need knowledge, I need power, I need to find answers.

My world is changing and my past is dieing. I don't remember who I was and I can't understand who I am now. I feel like I am stuck in a world between. I am stuck in now. Amazingly now does not hurt. Now isn't falling to pieces, now is just different from what I expected. It's not wrong, yet it is not right. It's just different, but why does it feel different? Why can't I simply say that my life is either perfect or gone totally wrong? Why can't I feel like I'm in heaven or I'm in hell? Why can't I dream or cry? Why is it when I do find an answer, there will always be much more to it? Am I a victim of fantasy or reality?

How wish I could remember how it felt like before, how I ached as a child, how I wished I could turn the world the other way round. Am I being much stronger by being weaker or am I being much weaker by being stronger? I can't clear my mind. I don't feel confuse and I don't feel lost. Yet I feel this yearning, but yearning for what? The truth? The truth to what? I feel like my heart is being drowned and instead of fighting for its life, it's accepting its fate. Could this be loneliness? Could it feel this way? How is it possible that it feels so different now? Wait, maybe I'm wrong, maybe this is something else... What could it be?

Yours Truly,
Nayt

Dear Reader,

Life is full of wonders and everywhere you look, it seems like things want you to believe that anything could happen. It's true. Anything could happen. Yet when it happens to you, it's always why me? But the question is, when do you start asking this question? It's always when something negative has happened to you, but it's never when something positive has. Ever asked why me, when you've fallen in love? Ever ask why me, when you have discovered trust once again? Yet, when you ask why me, the answers doesn't seem to fit, but who would want to live in a life where everything made sense? Then there would be no beauty in life at all... Life seems so meaningless though... but then I guess, you were just meant to make someone else's life meaningful... but why does it hurt along the way? Why do we bother to love someone who will never love you back the way you want them too? Yet, when we do fine the one who will love us back... We want to run away... because we’re afraid, afraid that this is nothing but a dream...

Why me? Why am I loved? How could you care for me so easily? How I wish I've never learnt how it feels to love and to have that love return... It just feels like... You finally feel alive... and aware of everything else, like how when the leaves fall it seems like its just counting the seconds that have passed by or when your sweat trickles down your skin, you can feel it dragging the hair on your skin... you're alive... Everything finally makes sense... Everything, but you... How is it possible that everything makes sense? How you feel, what you think, why the world is changing... but the question is... How did you get there? How did you get to be alive? How did you end up loving and trusting someone? I am nothing but a child finally understanding how it feels to have someone there, someone to talk to, a sister... but I still cry... I have everything I want, maybe even more... but why do I still feel lonely? Why does my world still feel empty... yet complete... How could I forget about my past? How could I easily not think of the people who were/are important to me? It doesn't fit, it doesn't make sense... Why can't I complete my story? Do I not even want to end it? Is it 'cause now I've got my wish? Is it 'cause now, everything is just seems so real? Is it now that I feel complete? Is it now because I've found my soul? Where did I go right? Why am I loved...

Yours Truly,
Nayt

The yin and the yang... without one other, the circle is not complete, they're not whole... Ever wondered why it the black has a white dot in it while the white has a black dot in it? It's to show, even in darkness there is light and even in light there darkness... Loneliness is part of my life; sometimes it feels that even if I didn't chose loneliness... It chose me. Sigh, I don't really know what I'm saying... I guess I'm trying to really see the good in loneliness... Maybe it'll make me stronger, but for all I know, maybe it'll make me bottle things up for a long time just waiting for someone to just trigger my tears. It's always like that, it's always been like that, but like... right now, I know I'm not alone...

I looked into the mirror like I did last night... but this time it's different... I'm crying... I'm tired... I'm hurt... and I'm bleeding... No, not there... but inside... I'm loved... but why? Why am I loved? I tried... Oh how I tried not to care, how I tried not to love anymore... but I can't, my emotions are still there... My soul... It's still there... And even if I was to carve open a hole inside of me, to pull my heart out, hoping that my soul would follow... I would just bleed and my soul would still be there and it refuses to leave me... Get out of me, God damnit, Get out of me. No... Wait... I want it to stay... What would I be without it? What am I without it? How I hated it when he pointed out that I will have no one to run to, no one to cry to one day. What does he know? Why does he claim that he cares? Why does he act like a brother when I hardly know him at all? He knows nothing... yet he's right... He's right and how much it hurts to know that he is... He may be right, but he does not understand me... He does not see what I crave for... and no, it's not love, it's not trust... It's power... How I yearn for it so much... I must be strong, I must hold myself together, I must harden my heart... This is nothing, it's not true, I can move on, I don't need anyone afterwards... If only I could believe my words are true... Why was God listening to my prayers as a child? Why did he grant my prayers? Where did I go right to deserve such thing... or maybe it's a punishment from him... knowing the only way to destroy me is to love me... What are his intentions? What does he have planned for me? I wonder...

It won't be the loneliness that's going to kill me... It'll be the betrayal... I know for a fact I am not loyal... I know for a fact that I am foolish... I know for a fact that I cannot keep eternal promises... So how do I know when I say that I will always believe in them, would either be fact or more artificial words? With kiss... there could've been a lie... With every touch... It could've been an illusion. My heart is not loyal and I could turn to someone else and I will end up on a path where I must choose... as usual, I will choose the greater one, I will choose the stronger one, I will choose the special one... that is what is expected... that is what is bound to happen... and I will forget those words that I've said before... and If I was to forget... then, that means I've never meant it... and that will hurt, 'cause what type of fool am I not to love someone sincerely? Have I ever loved anything that would actually mean something to me? Or do I imagine myself to love someone thinking what I feel is something real... I am a liar, I am a betrayer... and in the end I will break your heart... maybe that's why I can't fall in love... because I refuse to love myself.... will no one take my pain away... ever?

Yours Truly,
Nayt