Dear Reader,

I think that the thought of knowing other people around the world are really, actually reading my entries scares me in a way and stops me from typing up what I really feel or think. Maybe there are other thoughts in my head but I would always know there's a limit to everything that I say, because it's all about image. It is, isn't it? It's just the fact that there are people there who really do care of what other people think and there are those who claim that they don't. Everybody cares what the world thinks of them. It just that, some people don't care as much as others do. I mean as much as I would want to, well not really, sometimes I get curious in on how it feels to be one of those love sick people. It's interesting to see what was really worth all of those tears that they wasted. Sometimes the problem with pretending is that you don't really know what you're feeling. You could be crying the first minute and then smiling the next. Which one is the real you? And if you did cry, but you they were just crocodile tears, then why were you crying? What did they say or do to make something real become fake?

I guess emotions are like God. You either fear or just love. You either fear God or love God. Same thing with emotions, feelings, you either get intimate or not. It seems so simple doesn't it? Bloody hell, who am I to say these things? Who am I... How can I learn to love someone else, When I can't even love my own being? When I cannot love my existence nor my life? How many of us out there really do feel content? That there is absolutely nothing missing in life... you got love, you got friends, but do you have faith? Do you have hope?

I got friends out there who knows what I've gone through and am going through in life, yet how many of them know what's been going on in my mind? Hell, I don't even know what's been going on in my mind, but I guess it's a 50-50 thing to have people not knowing what's on your mind. It either means that no one knows the real me so I can't get hurt or I'm just real alone that's why no one knows who the real me is anyway. I'm so tired with the way life is, I'm so tired with not being able to be myself around other people, 'cause I know now that they actually do get hurt. What's the point now? What's the point in trying? Please... give me a sign God that I was mean for so much more then this.

I just wished that maybe, someone could see through me, someone who would know what I was thinking, someone who knew what not to say when I need it to be said... get what I mean? I got to admit it. I am alone. The sound that I hear around me is nothing but silence. Silence that rings in my ears reminding me of what I am. Reminding me, what I created myself to be. It's not the loneliness that's killing me though, it's the fact that I got so many people I could turn to and yet still be alone. Alone to cry, alone to smile, alone...

I hear her crying every night you know? There's this person in my head, and it's not me. She cries, she blames herself for everything, and that's right she should, because I blame her too... but when she starts crying, I can't blame her because it's wrong. I don't want to make her cry some more, but for some reason every time I look at her she cries even more. I wonder who she is... She seems very familiar. Wait it's not a dream, 'cause she stopped crying and the loud silence fills my ears once more.

I never knew every time I looked at myself in the mirror, a curse was slowly coming. Every time I looked at myself and loved myself for who I was, there was going to be an irony to it. A twist. It's God's own cruel little joke. I need to start clearing my emotions, I'm just running out of words...

Are you still crying?

Yours Truly,
Nayt

P.S. My "abstract" doesn't matter. She was just too easy.

Dear Reader,

There is something wrong with the world today. Everything seems to be clashing and everything that used to be clear is now just fogging up. I don't understand why people bother to try and ruin other people's lives unless it's for the fun of it. Unless they have no moral values or they're just plain heartless. I know the joy or ruining relationships and I still love the thrill and the rush that comes with it, but I'm not at all heartless... my heart's just artificial. I admit, this is the type of person I am. I'm a coward in my own way and I don't really care about it.

I had so many chances just to set things right, there were so many things that blinded me from facing reality. I tried to avoid the truth and all I did was felt empty when I thought I was actually happy. Forget about happiness, it only lasts but just for a few seconds, while the other seconds are just empty. You can't feel it 'cause there is no emotion there and you don't realize this emotion because you're too distracted. Too distracted with getting interested in what other people have to say, to distracted in telling people what you've heard, too distracted watching into empty space. What is it with life? It's just full of questions, the only thing that helps you to keep on going. Only thing in life worth searching for and finding the meaning to. You know they'll never be answered, but you just keep on going anyway.

You know how some people think they're "Bitchy" enough to do anything? Ever realized how the word "Bitchy" is actually a limit? I mean you could do something bitchy, but you never really think the word evil with it. You can go around and ask people, what does bitchy mean to you, and they say basically the same thing or along these lines, "Doing something mean!" so if you were to kill and torture someone that would be, "Doing something evil!" Huge Difference? Definitely. Anyone is capable of being bitchy, but it's not everyone that's capable of doing evil. I mean we could do it. It's just actually thinking about why, how and what.

Yours Truly,
Nayt

Dear Reader,

No, I'm not in love and if I am now then I don't know it. I don't think I'm afraid of love, well for now anyway... I just think I just won't give myself up so easily into it. I guess that's because, I haven't exactly found a friend that I could really open up to. I mean there are a couple of people that I tell everything to, but I never could really tell them certain other things, like that I'm worried about them. I guess, I just want a friend that I could hang out with all the time and just never get tired of, 'cause I know I can get tired of people easily. Sometimes I think there's no one there I care about. No one. I just keep on thinking about when I said, "Friendship isn't about if you need their friendship, it's when they need yours," and the thing is, the people who I'm close with... I can live without. Now the question is, the other people that I am beginning to get close with... Will I treat them the same in the end? Most likely yes, but if I've someone how changed... then maybe... maybe no. I admit, I don't have a very loyal side to me, and if I was to met myself, I don't think I would be loyal to myself either.

School is beginning to feel cold now. I've been having lunch and hanging out with different people in different groups and sometimes, I feel like I just don't fit in with them and yet I don't feel left out. Well, I guess if you never felt in then you could never feel left out. Am I just really ungrateful with life? Sometimes I wish I could just stop things right there, and just read their minds... just to find an answer to whatever question I've got in mind. I just feel somehow, there's just something missing and it's just something that I probably think have, when I really don't. God, I don't even know what I'm really trying to say.

You know how your mind, just tries to really convince you that this person is someone you can trust everything to? Don't you find that stupid? This is a bit going back to the first paragraph but still, it's kind of as if... you don't want to give up on finding someone to love, but you just want to find them now or for them to find you now. I don't know... I just feel emotionless... is that even a word? I just wish I knew what I really wanted instead of assuming them.

Yours Truly,
Nayt

P.s. Forgive me for not updating as much because I hardly have internet access and just because I don't blog, doesn't mean I'm not out there trying to hold my tears.