Dear Reader,

We're like broken pieces put together, just trying to make sense of why we're here. Broken marble that reflect the truth away from others. We want to be seen only by those we love but we want to hide from those who could care the most. All of our commitments to one goal... to one destiny might all be crashed by that goal itself. In this darkness we lose our way. What we can't see, we don't dare to feel... to touch but we force ourselves to continue the journey. Just for the sake of that commitment. For the sake of finding ourselves. Slowly everything will feel numb... no, not numb, but used to. The pain, the tears, the fears... will all be used to and it's not that we don't want to be save... it all depends on who will save us. Who we choose to let in... Who we choose to leave out... or who we choose to let in and slowly guide out. We can't change the world into what we want it to be... so leaves the thought, maybe it's ourselves that we need to change... Is it realistic this obsession we have? Is it sane?

There's a place that we call our sanctuary. It could be a room, a place, a person, an item... the only place where we let everything out, where we gain our strength or nothing at all but our thoughts. A sanctuary that is alive and is urging for us to discover the center of our grief... to heal from the inside out... but could we ever find it? Could we break down the amour that surrounds our heart? One day, the sanctuary won't be enough... as if it really ever was... and when you walk away from it... your broken pieces will reflect on you... and for the first time your "fear" will appear before you... and you are facing yourself.

You'll know who it is... you'll know why it's there... why it's staring into your very soul. Reality isn't the issue and it will not go away. Our fear is in our very heart that lay dormant within us. Faceless, nameless. It exists. It can hear, it can feel... but the worst part is... we could hear and feel it too and one day... it'd exploded. That's when we struggle to carry on, to find reasons within reasons... and when those reasons weren't found... it drove us into creating one. To discover a purpose in a world gone mad. Silently... that fear urged us forward. It's inescapable. My fear is inescapable... so i became it. I became the name that I could not speak of... so I called it Nayt... but the reason why I could not escape it, is that its name is Fear and it lives inside me.

All the pain, all the rage, all the fear that was bottled inside of me... I shared it. I shared it here with those who deserves it... or wanted it. But then it wasn't long before my vanity and my needed for approval came... my pitiful need for a friend. A companion... A companion that I tried to let in... But then turned away. Nayt took over, it saw the weakness in her, it saw there was no reason for her to be around... Nayt took me in. Nayt showed me the truth... I don't need her... Ever. Now... I wouldn't care less.

I didn't want blood on my hands... but she showed it to me, she showed me death... Death that weight itself down on me... Me, a self-righteous hypocrite who talked about the sanctity of human life... only to uphold my cowardly morality... Lies. All lies. Everything I tried to believe in. All Lies. She helped me... didn't she? Nayt did... she did.

Maybe I kept Nayt in order to feel complete... I can't walk away from her. What would I do if I turned my back towards her? My commitment to her... my commitment to finding myself... To turn away from her... in the name of my so-called life? All those people, all those things I helped in, all the laughter... All the pain I've caused... To try to jam her back into my subconscious... I tried... I tried so many times... Only to wake up crying every night of my pitiful life... that was the madness I lived in. How do I carry on?

We share the same body... the same blood... the heart, but we both admit. Nayt and I admit, we are different souls. We are not responsible for each others actions. Me... She lets me laugh, talk to my best friends... whatever I desire... but as Nayt, I step aside for her to deal with what evil is necessary. I channeled my angry towards a purpose... a purpose that I am still building... but... to let that purpose left unchecked... was only monstrous.

I cannot dismiss her but I will not yield to her will, but to only be rid of her... to only be rid of her... I can't. To be rid of her... would be a new life... free of fear, free of the horrible weight of the responsibility. To free her... To free myself... I can't.

It would be suicide.

This is what I have to look forward to. This is my... our destiny. A normal life, lost long ago, a past we cannot change. All we could do... is to sacrifice... sacrifice over and over again our chance of happiness to allow others to have that happiness that we will never have.

Yours Truly,
Nayt

I know you're not reading this... but one day you'll know why I care... even if you don't ever see it

Dear Reader,

After watching "thirteen" last night, I can relate myself to Evie in some ways. Not with the popularity or the drugs. Just the manipulating. I guess it was easy for Evie to believe in a way that she cared for her friend. It all seemed sincere in the beginning till at one point Tracy wasn't there for her and when Evie got caught, I guess she just dropped Tracy just to be the victim and because she never did really care. We all have close friends and rarely are there any true friends around the world. They know what you like and what you don't but how many of them know what you'd be thinking right now? How many of them would know what you're saying, when you're saying nothing at all? How many of them don't know what's been going on in your life but is still able to make you smile either way? How many of them still acted as if nothing had happen, even if you've been neglecting them?

It's hard to define what true friends are. We're all so busy searching for what love is that we never really pay attention to what comes before love. Friendship, but then everyone lives in a kind of faery tale where they wish they would just meet someone and have the perfect kind of love or be foolish enough to believe they could love at first sight, or at first... something. Then again, it can happen and maybe soul mates do exists but we try so hard to find them that we never realize they were right in front of us. All this curiosity in the world... if only there was a way we could really find out what we're trying to find... well I guess that's what psychiatrists are paid for.

If only I could find you somewhere out there... maybe it's not a foolish thing to not to forget you... but maybe somehow I'll find you

We were so called made to be an image of God and yet we have flaws... Flaws that are 'cause by ourselves. Science and religion. We need them both and yet science has explained more then what religion has... or so is claimed. People believe in hell, but they never really thought of it. Just to think of what it must be like there... The thought of being there in hell burning, for eternity waiting for the apocalypse. And when finally the end of the world comes... a new world is made and once again we will be reborn... and when we are reborn, we will forget. We'll forget about heaven and hell... only to die once more and ending up in the same place... over and over again... what if reincarnation did exist? Maybe we were all reborn, none of us could remember what it was like when we took our first step or said our first word... even if we did have a first memory... could we think back on what it was like before? They say being asleep is like being dead... so when we fall asleep, that's what death will be like... and when we're in hell, it's a new life that we can't escape another dream that's just reality... We're neither awake nor asleep then... We're just there, burning and yet not perishing, just there with every hot flame burning each pore... every hot flame entering our bodies and seducing us till we can't take it no more... hot air that's going through skin, skin, vein, vein, blood, blood, bone... bone. It'll slowly rip us apart. We don't know when it's going to be our last day and everyday we live as if we will see tomorrow, because it's what's been happening. Sin today, wake up the next day to sin again. God is gives us a chance everyday to make things right, but we take advantage of it. Right now it's just a gift. A gift that can be taken away so easily. We're just not going to be here... and we'll regret. We'll regret making our parents cry, making our love ones cry, not letting someone know how you felt, not forgiving people... we'll regret because we thought we had tomorrow. Tomorrow doesn't exist... we just live life as we want it, regretting is not a thing to do... pray, pray, pray and just cry away...

And he'll heal my wings and tend to my wounds and leave my broken heart to be... I cannot see him when he looks into my eyes... but I can hear him walking away... and his heart whispering to me once more... "The love of your love is you"

Yours Truly,
Nayt

Dear Reader,

Isn't it strange how we live more then one life? When you're with your friends, you're different, when you're with your family, you're different, when you're with somebody you love, you're different. When you're alone, you are different. So the question is, of course, which one is you? Sure, all of them one person but which one is the person? In our lives, we all go through changes. We changed through lessons. We change because of our emotions, but sometimes we change, because we try to be somebody else. Well, not really. Have you realized, when you look up to someone for what they can do and you just want to be able to do same thing, it's only 'cause sub consciously; you want to beat them at their own game? It's true. Think about it. Yes they might've inspired you for that very moment but how many times have you looked up to someone that in the end, you lose interest in what they do or them?

Sometimes I wonder, whether these memories I have are real, but then I realized, there's no use in asking because I hardly have any. There are some memories that I remember I was happy in, but then those are the memories I want to erase because I was happy for all the wrong reasons, and with all the wrong thoughts and emotions. Maybe one day someone how I can escape this role I'm in and just find me lost in someone else. Strange thought in a way... I talk about avoiding love and yet... I wouldn't mind knowing how it feels to be touched by it... or even hurt by it. Some people believe in love and others, I guess they're just in denial or... like what some people believe... Love exists, just not for me.

Some people imagine of a type of parting or a type of present. It's like parting for both of them could be the most painful thing on the earth and the only reason why they would even part is because one of them would be dieing or leaving or whatever along those lines. Others, it would be a love that seems eternal, a love that has full of passion. And sometimes people imagine both things, but then... how could that be love? If love was something indescribable, then how could you imagine it? How would you know it's not actually your mind that's convincing you that this is love when it really is not? How would you know that you didn't set your mind onto these thoughts? I can lose love for someone easily with a snap of the fingers. If I want to forget someone I can. If I want to forget what they mean to me I can. Unless for some reason, they were the one who started it all... they were the one who made you realize what the world was.. or mold you into seeing what it was... or maybe... then again, maybe this is just your nature. Maybe you were meant to be like this.

Yours Truly,
Nayt