Dear Reader,

I see what she does to herself sometimes... I wonder if she knows that I'm talking about her. Does she listen to what I say... does she even hear me? I wonder how she can keep on going with her life. Always having to pretend that God isn't there, she knows he is. She knows he's watching, crying everytime she takes a part of her soul away... Away... I wonder if it hurts... to have it taken away... I tried to take mine... To just forget the pain. Pain. What is it again? Right.. never mind, you wouldn't know, you weren't there for me.

I see him looking at me sometimes. No, not him God. I look up to the skies, I see him there watching. As if waiting. Maybe it's not him. Maybe it's actually the devil waiting in the skies... waiting for me to jump off so it can drag me deeper down... Past the ground, past the center of the earth... past hell. Where would he take me though? Somewhere deeper? darker? My soul? No... He can't take me to my soul. I don't want to see it. I don't want to be able to feel it. To hear it crying. No, no. That's not what I was born to do. No, not now, not ever. Shut my eyes now... shut my ears... Wait I can smell it though, it's choking me. It's like blood... blood coming up to my neck. It wants to come out, not I won't let it out. Stop it. Stop it.

I want him to say... No, not God this time, but him. I wonder what he sees me as. I wonder if he knows that I'm still pretending... pretend he's not there... pretending that I don't see him crying. Why is he crying? Why... was it me? Was it 'cause I wasn't there? Why is his silence to me... so loud... why... I can't take it... but what am I to do? Top fall for a disaster like him... yet he's so beautiful... he's so beautiful to me... now I'm crying... yet... my eyes aren't teary... my heart's drowning... it's drowning... deeper... deeper... He's letting me breathe in my tears.

Yours Truly,
Nayt

Dear Reader,

I think I'll be a part time movie critic. Are there such things? Hah. Doesn't matter. I'll critisize anyway. I've been watching every new movie that comes out on Saturday now. Around 12... Beats the crowded places at least. People find it either sad or weird when you go to the movies alone. I guess it is and I don't really care but it's something to think about though. Why is it weird? Someone told me it's not weird... How many people do you know would do it? Even if you pay them?

None.

Some people are actually afraid to be alone. To just sit in their own room in silence or either just falling asleep. Some of them, don't trust themselves to be alone. Who knows what they might do... wait... what did you plan to do? suicide? Yea, go on. Do it. Do it. Feel the the point of the blade going through you. Skin, skin, flesh, flesh, bone, deep. You're too weak to go on with 'life' anyway. I still find it idiotic why people cut themselves. They say, "No I didn't want to kill myself," Fine then. If you weren't then at least use the knife to make art. Write your name with it, draw a silver thorn on a bloody rose, let it turn to scabs and then let it turn white... White... White is suppose to be pure right? White, the colour of hope and angels and all. Makes you wonder... is there turly good in evil? Is there turly a light behind shadows that surrounds you?

I think I'm getting addicted to bad vibes. Someone told me about those. Every single thought, every single look... They're just all bad and you start believing in them. Everything that didn't make sense... you just turned it into something else that would. No wonder some people are scared to be alone... You look at them... You know they're sad... with faces that're bout to cry, but you just walk on. Just keep walking on as if you didn't care. Well you don't. Do you? Stop pretending. You brushed off that look. That look of sadness... That look that you'll never see again 'cause it might be too late. Fall... fall... fall... are they there yet? No? Why? 'Cause they're waiting for you... waiting for you to come so they can punish you... because it's too late. You didn't acknowledge that look. You didn't come to help them... It's too late now. You're already dead.

I wonder if she sees it... I wonder if she sees how she's hurting herself. She won't cry, no... I've only seen her cry once. She doesn't have the tears and the look that'll break down the walls around your heart. No. She's different though, like a new toy... A new... subject that you can test. You wonder and question yourself. Do you dare to reveal... to take off what is behind that aromour she wears around her heart? She tries to avoid it... She tries to avoid being seen when she shows herself to the world. She wants to be seen of what she is on the outside. Oh look... She's falling too... Fall... fall... fall... when is she going to stop falling though? She has wings... but they're burning... just like mine... Her wings are nearly gone though... I'm just falling in there... watching her, laughing at her. You thought you could handle this didn't you? You thought that everything was going to be better? You're wrong... so wrong... wrong... wrong... wrong... dead wrong. What's worst then to end you life from pain? Living with it and too afraid to take it away.

Yours Truly,
Nayt

Dear Reader,

Sometimes I can feel my heart closing, even in situations where they need my support the most. I know I use to say that I don't want to feel human at all and I always end up changing my mind or being confuse with it... but I guess there are times when you need to be and when you don't. It's just that you don't know when these times are and whether it's happening now, or now or even now.

And Reader, I'm not suicidal. I do rarely though think about what life would be if I was dead or in a coma, same difference there right? but I never have actually thought about taking my own life. No, that's not me, but mostly... I see myself in accidents. There are times when I see myself flying out from the car window, test tubes filled with acid breaking and flying into my eyes making me blind or even simply falling down the stairs or leaning too much over the balcony. I'm guessing it's because of my overly dramatic side that I try to exaggerate little things in my head or maybe... I am suicidal. Who knows, yet who are we to judge who is and who isn't?

Thinking too much really can do badly to your brain... especially if they were negative thoughts... or maybe they're just thoughts... Thoughts that don't seem to matter... Like the time where you're sitting with your friends and everyone seems to be talking with you who seems to butting the conversation every 10 seconds... It feels like you're watching a movie... because everyone seems so fitted in, so perfect... once again... a picture in your mind... and if you did disappear from that picture, it wouldn't really matter anyway... it's still there, it exists... except for you...

Wouldn't it be nice to really, really know that you're appreciated? To really, really know other then them assuming that you do know... or if they do show that they really, really appreciated you... it wouldn't be because of something you just did for them... or just said... it would just be because... they were thinking about you... and just wanted you to know... that they do... really, really appreciated you... sigh... but sometimes when it's you who tires to show them appreciation... you end up feeling foolish anyway...

but why?

Yours Truly,
Nayt

Dear Reader,

Right now I'm wondering if he knows... Him, who I try to walk by without turning my head or giving him a second thought... Him, when he's close by I would only allow myself to glance at him once or twice... maybe even three times and only when I feel daring enough, will I look at him much longer, gaze at him and wonder why... Him, who will never know who he is to me...

Him, who I know could never care for me as he would a proper friend or less or more... I wonder if he knows that he was right... He was right to worry about her... I should've worried too, so who do you blame? When you trust someone to make the right decision, when you keep your guard down... something happens. Who do you blame? Them for letting it happen or you for not seeing it coming? Whose mistake is it? Or is no one to blame?

He cares for her... I know... I don't have to remind myself... I don't know how much though... It's not love... at least I hope it's not... He cares for her, my friend who deserves to be loved... Yet, I'm not jealous... I just wonder could he ever care for me in that way... I tried... I tried... I'd said I'd forget about him... but it doesn't seem to be happening... This is one of the only times where my emotion is not attachment... Just a part of me that I can't just choose to go away... Maybe it's because he'll never look at me in that way, that I wonder what if he did... I don't see being in his arms... I don't see him tracing my face... It's just the thought of him looking at me that way... Just the thought of the possibility that he might... that he could... fall for me...

There are times when I think about dancing with him... not daring to look into his eyes... scarred that look might not be there... but only to be around him to know... He's there... and if I pretend enough... I could imagine how he would look at me... With a smile... With that look... that look that I'll never know or taste of...

I wonder if he knows that he makes me smile... and blush... I don't think he does... I don't think he should know... Things are better this way aren't they? To plan what to say to him... to ask about some sort of school work and to feel foolish about it afterwards in the end... He makes me feel somehow foolish too... I forgot about that... Maybe that's why I don't talk to him as much face to face... Or maybe because I usually feel rejected when I try or more like... he doesn't want to talk to me... no, not me, just her... She's his friend... and I don't mind... I just look... then turn and pretend... Pretend what though? What just happened? Did I just miss something?

It was better to lean against the pillar and just look at him... To just try and find flaws that doesn’t seem to be there... Maybe there are that I do see just don't really acknowledge... I love it when he widens his eyes... Gives me a sort of tingle, except I hardly see him ever do it... There are times when I just froze the image in my head... Sigh... Does he notice me? If he does... does he know I'm really there?

What about her... my friend... She is my best friend though... though I know I'm not her no#1 best friend, the one who is, can't be replaced... and I don't mind though... I love seeing those two together, they just seem to fit. They're like a perfect picture... Every time I see them together... Like sisters... They fit perfectly... Looking at them there are times I wished I had a camera to freeze that image. They look beautiful in my eyes... both of them. I wonder if anyone else sees the same image. I wonder if they ever see it… probably not though… or maybe… nah… They've been friends since they were in diapers I think... I don't know why my mind keeps freezing those two in my head... It's been happening lately... Maybe I'll find out soon... Maybe something big is happening and God's preparing me for it.

I'm not going to die am I? That would be a thought... What I learnt today... Time is movement... makes perfectly good sense to me... but what if you're dead and you're not moving? Is time still passing by or has it gone still and stiff like you have? Wouldn't it be great... to just some how go to the other side and walk back here. We can only dream of what heaven could be like... but it'll never be accurate or as great as the real thing... Shh. Stop. I think I heard you breathe.

Yours Truly,
Nayt

Dear Reader,

You act humane to some people and you try to be above emotions around others. It's the fact that you have a history with them, or because of something they did... or just because of who they are... you just can't help but be human with them. These are the people that they are not attachments where you can simply choose to either get rid of or not... not like the others... they're different... because they taught you to change... they taught you how to be better, even if they don't realize it.

Some people even ask me what I see in them... how are they so "special" to me... how could I waste all that love on them... and the only thing I could tell them is, "I don't know, I just do." You just never sit around and think about this... I don't, they're just the only ones I'll just accept that they're there and I won't question. No one can be completely inhumane. It's just not true. We were raised up as humans, we were raised up with these emotions. It was only by decision that we choose not to be. We just never really see it that way because some people just think it was their fate. It will be because they choose it to be. The only way for us to understand what being humane is, is by knowing what's not. All the hatred, all the lies, deceit, self centered-ness... it's only because of the drive to win. We all want to win life. We all want to be able to go around with our head up high and not walk around in shame, but then maybe you don't have to... Everything has two ways to it. Depending on how you would see it, maybe you've lost... or maybe you've won... who knows...

Sometimes I wonder... what really is the point for me to have this site on. Is this site really powered by my anger and hatred... or just my thoughts... which seem to be full of anger and hatred, still... I'm not the same as I seem to be here when I'm with people. When I'm alone, I'm different, the only thing that could accompany me are my thoughts and I'm use to being alone. I'm use to going out in Gadong by myself and watch movies by myself... Alone, I'm me... yet, I don't know who "me" really is. This girl with so many questions bout life or a girl who just lives in her own world of friends. They're both of me... but which one balances the other one out? or maybe they're both equally balanced... and the other thing is... who knows "both of me" really well?

Life is just searching for who you are... searching for the one who would save you... searching for those people who'll help to ease the pain a little... or even replace bad memories with good ones... To dream is a journey... but to wake up in a dream... is something to cherish even if it was just for a second...

Yours Truly,
Nayt

I'm not perfect... but you still love me as who I am... and I "lurbe" and "w.u.v.e" you for that...<3