Dear Reader,
I usally don't get pressured and when I do, it would be a
"must-get-this-done-now" pressure. You know that feeling in your head that feels like a ball of tension just growing and growing, like you can feel it pushing against your skull. I wonder sometimes what's it trying to do. Expand the height and width of my skull or just simply crack it open with it's
"small" explosion. Or! Better yet, maybe my skull is thick enough to handle the small explosion and I would just end up to be brain dead. It's a rather intresting thought in a way. It reminds me of this cartoon I once saw on tely. The girl who would cause explosions everytime she gets really angry, and then everything would be alright once she's
"exploded" except for everything else around her of course. Television, rots your brains doesn't it? Well cable TV anyway. I don't think I'm going to own cable TV in the future. I mean I love cable TV to bits, really I do, but it's so... so... unpure in a way. I'll go with DVD's I guess.
I find it rather strange that I'm still
"like this" during this extremly holy month. Apparently this month is suppose to show the
true me. I should write a list of the negativity I've went through this month, then I would know what's my problem and whether I should deal with it or not. Anything mental I can change, the physical... well, truth to God, I am a slacker. As much as I hate to admit it, but it's true but as long as no one really notices that I'm a slacker than everything's good. I could though, write all the positive things I've went through too... but I can only think of one so far... well make it two. Maybe there's more but heck, it's human nature to only notice the negative aspects of life. I guess what I was expecting was more of a good, humane me and it was the devils and demons and whozits and whatzits to blame for making me pessimistic. Or maybe I'm such a deep thinker, I just happen to make things sound so morbid... I'll go with the latter.
I'm thinking about carving my hand. I was going to put a star at the bottom of my thumb, on the right hand side. Not the palm mind you. I'm ambidextrous you see, but I work better with the left. Much faster too. Unfortunatly someone beat me to that so I need to think of another object to carve in or maybe just a small design that requires few lines so it won't hurt too much. Or I could just get a match stick and burn it into my skin, but I think I'm rather allergic to the smell of burning flesh. Or I could not just do it at all which is fine too, because I've always thought in a way my hands were perfect, except for this one bit on my finger which I don't seem to recall what happened to it, but still... it would be nice to have a little design there.
I think one day I might be diagnosed with bipolar disorder which I hear is really horrible. Especially for the people around them who have to cope with it. The chances of me having it though, would probably be zero considering I've never gone into depression or even been in perfect bliss. Yet anyway. Hah. Then again... some of the symptons of bipolar disorder is denying that things aren't all right and not realizing reality when you're happy. Oh God, forget that. I do find it rather interesting though, the disease. Rethinking bout that though... It's rather upsetting not having to feel somewhere in the middle. Not finding your ground. To be like a sword with two very sharp ends... With the sides probably being twice as sharp because everytime someone tries to reach you, you end up hurting them 'cause you're pushing them away. Extremly deadly and makes you realize that even being happy has it consequence. Everything does, doesn't it?
Each time I breathe in, I feel like I'm just breathing in the same emptyness that's always been there. Again there's that strange jab feeling in my shoulder blade. I wonder if I'm going through something again. I guess that's how my intuition works. My body goes through phases. Physical phases. I remember when I had that feeling... That feeling of a child like happiness, where you just feel happy for no reason.
Phase. My body couldn't handle that
oh-so-called happiness. It started trying to vomit that emotion out. Unfortunatly nothing came out and it felt like I was trying to vomit my guts out instead. Who would've thought what I had was probably some sort of vacant happy feeling. Just an illusion of the mind I guess. After that I started to care of what I did to people and what they thought of me.
Phase. Guilt? Oh God not again, just when I was starting to feel like I was beginning to be above emotions. Afterwards... it was Rae's (R.I.P.) demise. Did God give my emotions back to prepare for that? He probably did. I thank him for that.
I think I have parts of my life planned out. It's something like, Go to
Wadham College Oxford Uni, read English Lit, do theatre minor and take french as a language and get degree(s). And somewhere along the way I'd be performing in movies and theatres, write scripts or even direct something. Part of the plan is also to avoid fame.
"Fame is a by-product of acting which needs to be dealed in a sensible way" - Jodhi May. Oh and to meet Jodhi May as well. I plan doing that by somehow ending up working with her or noticing her on the street and shyly walk up to her. Dream, dream, dream. Keep in mind though I would rather meet Jodhi May, get her autograph and picture
(haha) than do anything with theatre or performing arts. Wait. Right now that's crazy talk. Forget what I said.
To make sure I don't forget what I plan to do, I wrote a list. It's not strange or stupid, personally I think it's a good idea. I now know what I want to accomplish and can either tick it off or cross it out. Unfortunatly though so far I haven't ticked off or cross out any. There's also another reason for that. You see how
Nayt seems to be, what people call having an
"identity crisis?" Well talking about oneself as two different people or maybe three
(hm...) who'd be suprise. Well, we decided that by writing things down what we think we like and what we think we don't like would help us figure what kind of person we are. Believe me everything links. From literature to theatre to drama to psychology to jazz to food to the way you cross your legs. There's a perfect link and explanation to each which I will not be bothered to talk about but rather you,
dear reader, figure out yourself.
My God. I sound like a book. Too much reading, oh well.
To Rae...
They sang this at the school assembly for you. Once again, I'm sorry about our last online conversation, fortunatly for me, I manage to ask you to forgive me for everything I've done wrong to you... but unfortunatly, I'll never know if you have. The lyrics are very meaningful by the way. I think I feel for every single word in it. Silly me. You know I'm weird Rae, but I'll highlight the ones that hit home for me.
"Sonny" by New Found Glory
I'm sorry I heard about the bad news today,
A crowd of people around you,
Telling you it's okay,
And everything happens for a reason
When you lose a part of your self,
To somebody you know,
It takes a lot to let go,
Every breath that you remember,
Pictures fade away but memory is forever
An empty chair at all the tables,
And I'll be seeing you when all my days boil down,
But it's better where you're going anyway
I'm sorry I heard about the bad news today,
It's really hard to get through,
Tough times and long days,
But it really just depends on the season
When you lose a part of your self,
To somebody you know,
It takes a lot to let go,
Every breath that you remember,
Pictures fade away but memory is forever
For now we'll say goodbye,
We know it's not the last time,
I've lost the best part of my day,
But it's better where you're going anyway
This is the last thing,
I will remember,
It's better where you're going anyway.
Sleep well little Rae of sunshine. Your light still glows within.
Yours Truly,
Me
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