Dear Reader,

Sometimes it would be nice to just blog about what I've done for the day or the day before. It'd be nice to think it was a friend I was talking to, instead of talking to someone I either know of or not, who has a need to absorb morbid thoughts to satisfy their pain, frustration and/or anger, like it was a sort of intoxicating drug. We all have a need to be pulled down at some point, don't we? To just see the world as what reality interprets life to be and not as what we interpret life to be... but it'd be nice... to pretend that my life was in some ways perfect, that everything was as bad as it seems.

I think this month has been a month of realization. All the things or people that I had believed would be there, the ones who I thought would walk to the ends of the earth with me - won't. They just won't. I'm being selfish right now, aren't I? Everyone has a reason to block the rest of the world out, even if they do it without realizing. I do it... after acknowledging it myself last night, even though I knew that I somehow did. Yet, how could you block out the ones who were there for you? When I was there for you. At least I believe I was. You probably have a reason - it's probably the one that I'm thinking of now. Though it doesn't really matter, the problem with our friendship is that it exists mainly as a sort of support. In our time of crisis, we turned to each other. Now days that would be the only reason why we would talk to each other. Only because we had no one else to run to, no one else who would listen or help. It just felt like there was no one else who would either understand or anyone else whose opinion we valued most. Maybe this is only in my case, but now I've learnt. I understand. You're not going to be there for me. Either because for some reason you'd like to see me fall... burn and crash into the ground... or maybe in a humane view, I needed it. I needed to fall - just for my own good. Soon I've realized, you'll turn your back on me and walk away. You'll do that one day won't you? I can only hope that I'll be wrong, but I'll have to tell you this - Please do not make me care for you in that same way.

Yours Truly,
Nayt

Dear Matt,

Is it alright now to ask you, if you could please take my bestfriend's picture off your website?

Sorry if I caused you any trouble.

Yours Truly,
- Me

Dear Yusrin,

I am delighted to see my name is in your post. Unfortunately for me, your post has been edited so I know nothing of the whole truth and your thoughts of me. Anyway, hopefully to give you the same kind of compliment I've decided to write a whole post dedicated to you.

Firstly - I am sincerely sorry for using inappropriate words when asking you to take my best friend's picture off especially when I could've asked politely.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with posting up her picture and adding a link to her friendster and commenting that she should be a model, especially as you've said when it's simply just "appreciating a beautiful creature." I guess the world should thank you for making such a contribution. It would've been rather difficult for them, if you didn't have a link for all sorts of people to email her and send her cute messages about a boy who was bored and checked through his friendster and all.

Truthfully, out of boredom it has been a habit for me to... Act without thinking. And stupidly that was what I was doing - acting without thinking. As you've said, I'm only a child. What would a child know?


"Nayt = Yas + Rude + Angst + Fake" - Matt

Why is it I'm made up of her? Why is it not that I make up her rudeness? her anger? Or her? If it was simply "Nayt = Fake" then I'll take the fake knowing that is part of what I am. If it makes me, then fine.

"Don’t tell me you're jealous, Nayt. Well, I wouldn’t be surprise, I mean comparing you to her, is like comparing Gucci to "selipar jepun"." - Matt.

I can only say I grinned at that comment and really jealously has nothing to do with it... jealousy, such a cliché conclusion don't you think? By the way Yusrin, you know you could've done better than that. Next time you aim, please hit the target so I could fall onto the ground - no sarcasm in there. I need to fall. I need to feel, but you do nothing with your words. They're not strong enough to hurt me.

By the way, on my best friend's behalf, it would've been more of a compliment for her if you said 'Charles and Keith' instead of 'Gucci'.


It's not true about cursing: -

these.shattered.eyes.have.broken.on.the.thought.of.leaving.you..but.i.must.go.. says:
and she’s swearing now

I try to avoid cursing unless I am in "character" and I would've thought that being "Nayt" is the type not to ask but to demand and thus swears... well unfortunatly she swears. I'll mark that as a weak point - swearing is it?

"he can't fucking say what he wants just because he feels like it. I fucking hope he rots in hell right now. frigid dip shit. have some respect for people's privacy, at least, if you put someone's picture, don’t have a bloody link to her friendster'. - Nayt

I did not say "I fucking hope he rots in hell right now," everything else though... Yes.

"All I did was link to her friendster profile, and who says it crossed the "privacy" line? And if you're friend cares about her profile privacy, she could have limited her Profile viewable to First Degree Friends only. You're just like your sister. Stop trying to control someone else’s life.

Then, I think Nayt had enough of me so she ended the argument with

"great to know you can tell considering all the fat on your face"- Matt

That last line does not sound funny when people aren't aware that it referring to you smiling. You should've informed your readers... it could've been funny or maybe make it seem more pathetic. Oh well.

By the way I did ask her permission if I could tell you to take her picture off, which she agreed to, truthfully she didn't really care, at least I think she didn't so then I just wasn't bothered. BUT. Knowing the fact that you were online just made it very tempting to just say, "get my best friend's picture off your fucking site". It was an opportunity, how could I resist? Plus how could I resist being over-protective. It's a reaction, a reflex because of the fact you have quote, knowing you have quote, let me emphasize on quote:-

"There's no more trust in girls, and there's no more loyalties. I'll treat every last one of you like whores. Unless you're worthy enough, your place is below my knee." - Matt

Oh dear. Wait look at this bit of post.

"And as a guy who strongly believes in his own words, you're place is below my fucking knee." - Matt

Oh God, did you indirectly call me a whore? Do you really, seriously see me as a lower being, someone inferior, someone who should not be thought of as an equal... It's not because of my rudeness, is it? Or is it of something much more that I shall not know of, unless of course you have an urge to inform me? Being below your knee is fine, any higher then I would've worried.

"Matt = Rocks" - Matt

One of the many things in your post that I agree, but this one I 100% agree. Matt equals rocks. Good to know you acknowledge this. How much more accurate can you get?

"I just grinned. Insulting really isn’t her thing. In my mind I know she can’t outsmart me." - Matt

Let me sum up that line. Grin. Of course I can't out smart you. Who dared claim that I could? Out smarting you would be the day, wouldn't it? You're too smart for me. Yea. Matt is too smart for me.


Yusrin, why do you seem so angry? Why do you care that I swore at you? Were you really hurt by my cursing words? I'm sorry. Are you afraid for some reason? Why do you enjoy inflicting pain on others? Is it to just pay back the whole world for the pain you've suffered? It wasn't right for the world to have treated you that way, was it? It's not fair for you to get hurt, is it? I mean damn the people who have HIV right? I mean damn their children who are going to be carriers of AIDS, damn the ones who love them and want to hold them but can't. Screw them. Excuse the pun. They don't deserve sympathy. Especially if they had a mental disorder that made them addicted to sleeping around. They should not be pitied. No. They do not deserve pity or sympathy - especially from you.

Are you still carrying your pain? Does it really hurt inside? Do you have anywhere to run? When you turn around is someone there? Do you know where to hide when you're afraid? Damn this world we live in where society won't bloody change. Damn everyone for caring... damn me for making you this post. I'm reacting to your post - so that means I care, don't I? Yet I don't care what you think about me, it's just what you wrote about her. I should write that down as a weak point - caring for other people, is it?.


I chouldn't care less what you say or think about me. I do not value your views or your opinion but what I do care about is what you say about her/mysister. Especially when you've somewhat immortolized your words on your website.

Why were you determend to pull her down? What point do you want to put across about us? That we are no better than you? That we have no one to run to? Did you just want to make her cry? Was there no one else left vulnerable for you? You are the better one, aren't you? You are the stronger one, don't you agree? Physically? Mentally? Yes. Yes. Nothing seems to ever get pass you, because you won't let anything fool you, now won't you? You don't want to be hurt or fooled again... You know you won't ever be hurt or fooled again. No, not what after you've been through.

Did our words really hurt you? Do you hate us for having instinct? For being over protective? I'm sorry when we both were showing concern over our friend’s connections. We thought we'd be protecting her, but that's just controlling her life now isn't it? No, it's not seen as someone protective, just someone controlling.

Is there something inside of you? What are you not letting out?

Wait - let's stop for a minute.

Could it be your real problem is that you really don't have a problem with yourself? That you hate yourself for being content and there is nothing to self criticize anymore? You adore yourself, do you not? You tell yourself that, don't you? That being you is alright. Being you is someone you'd rather be today and tomorrow and so forth. That being you, is just who you're meant to be. Do you hate yourself for that? Making some words sound like lies even if you wanted them to be the truth... even if they are the truth... Are there chains bounding you from doing what you could achieve? Or have you achieved all that you've wanted and yet your heart is empty... your soul is empty?

What's wrong Yusrin? Why are you angry? Is it because you can't cry? Is it because they won't let you cry? Or is it because you are crying and you can't stop? Are you hurting because you know you could get hurt? Are you hurting because whatever it is won't stop? Are you hurting because you don't really know who you are? Who are you Yusrin? Do you know? Does anyone know? Do you talk to yourself when you're alone Yusrin? Why are you screaming inside? Wait. Are you screaming inside?

Dear Matt. I'm sorry if I hurt you. You didn't deserve it. I'm sorry.

Yours Sincerely,
- Nayt

P.S. Thank you for giving me something to talk about, the rest of the readers should be pleased.

Dear Raechel,