Dear Reader,

It's getting harder and yet easier to admit to things that I've never wanted to. I wish I knew if he ever reads my entries at all. I can't ask him now can I? It would be too obvious... But if he does I wonder if he knows that... It has always been him in these entries. Always back to the the thoughts of him... Perhaps one or two exceptions but him has always... Just been him. I found an entry where I stated that I wouldn't have a crush on him when I was twelve. It's ridiculous now and yet it's true. It's not a crush... Nor an infatuation either and it is most definitely not love. It's simply... This emotion that I find difficult to describe... But it feels like I am calm because of this rapid beating inside of me. As if I am alive and yet asleep at the same time... I think few have felt this... Or perhaps all... It's just that no one talks about it.

It's amazing that it took me a year to realize that I have some sort of feelings for him. At twelve I said I wouldn't grow a crush on him and at thirteen I wondered if I've been denying all this time. It's amazing what... Perhaps it was Jealously. I can't recall what I really felt back then... but lets just say it was Jealously that made me realize... but I knew I felt something more for him even before that, I just never said anything.

I don't really know what I want from him... I don't think I ever shall... Perhaps I want nothing from him, but only want to tell him how I feel. It's a stupid idea to tell him. It is. It's just absurd... yet I wonder what would happen... It's not the rejection that I fear, only... That he would act as if... It just means nothing to him. To have him just... Not react at all... Or if he did and just acted like it never happened the next day. That... I would think would be his cruelest act that he would have bestowed on me.

I don't want him in that kind of way. I just want to be able to talk to him freely. Or I just want him to let me in. I just... want to know that I mean something to him... a friend or somehow... more perhaps... It's just that he makes me feel. That's all. He's the only one that could ever make me... feel.

Yours Truly,

Nayt

Dear Reader,

I find the emotions that I've been experiencing are not normal for me. I am growing up too quickly. I am learning too fast. And yet I understand too little. I've realized what I want is something that I won't try for. Not work for, but try for. It is too difficult to even begin. "Why though?" people always ask. "Why not do it if it feels right?" And I will give the same answer over and over again, "because I can't. It's not possible. And because he shall never know. He just won't know."

I've come back to him by the end of the day. How stupid am I. How ridiculous have I become to have gotten myself caught in this never-ending whirlpool? I have no such emotions for him. No such feeling or trembling in my limbs for him. No such, and it is knowledge and not the heart that makes me drawn to him. Perhaps it is chance that plays a bigger part of the game. I will not roll it's dice. I shan't. I am content to some stage with where I am and the question "what if" does not appear in my mind. Though what does appear in my mind is a statement. Perhaps more of a fact. "If I could have love anyone in the world, it would be him."

There are reasons to why this can't ever be. Yes. There is a solid reason, yet that reason never stopped anyone else in the world. I'm just being foolish at this moment. It's not very conducive of me is it? I don't know what I truly want to say.

I have no emotions for him and yet my mind stirs because of him. Perhaps this is a mind game that I have created along the way. It's not working. I don't like this game. I don't want to play anymore.

Yours Truly,

Nayt

Dear Reader,

People say that through my writings I have the ability to make one feel "moved." If you feel that I am boasting or think that I plan to boast, then you are wrong, but I do plan to continue discussing this. I enjoy being a catalyst to ones thought or ones emotion. I get a sense of pleasure from the thought that I had made one feel guilt upon themselves but satisfaction if I have helped or created a blissful memory for one - even for those that I detest.

I have always thought that one of the things that I enjoy in life is making an emotion stir in one's soul - but if such an emotion is stirred as a result of my own emotions toward them, i.e. Love, Hate, Jealously and such, then I cannot enjoy the pleasure of making one's life miserable only because causing one such pain means something to me. It has always been disturbing to see one's capability of evil - Evil being interpreted as 'no reason to cause harm at all' - especially in a child, is it not? Reasons being furthered with the reasons of sanity. An insane person causing harm is acceptable and of course there are some that feel sympathy for such creature but a sane person causing harm is disgraceful and disturbing. To add more to the disturbance is if the evil is created with such organization, such careful planning that an effort was actually created in order to create demise upon another. Intelligence, sanity and beauty - which the world lives for - and the capability of evil, put together is disturbing. If one had all of these, wouldn't they be wonderful to watch? Perhaps not to some, as some are of course - or others mostly - are afraid to measure such evil, such genius, as of course the acknowledgement would most indefinite turn one into a 'pigeon.'

Have I babbled on too much? Perhaps you think what was said earlier makes no relevant to what was stated way before? Well it does, it very much does.

Someone once said that I am very good with words and I know that I am. Only when the words are written though. I wish I had the capability of making others believe or want to believe I am other than what is present. It would be delightful but perhaps not conducive to some people at that time. Oh well... What else is there to say?

I wish I was given a chance to act, to absorb the character and laugh at what they find hilarious, cry to which they find painful and love to what they find so wonderful. It would be an incredible challenge to overcome.

Yes, I think that is it for now.

Yours Truly,

Nayt

The person that we are, are sometimes the kind of person that we don't want to be. I say things about myself that I, myself know is not true. I have an image, this thought of what kind of person I'd like to be. Yet the person that I would like to be... They're not all what they crack up to be. I was nearly there, once, nearly there till I found out someone was physically hurt because of me. Just because they love me.

I'm not planning to preach about love, but if I do end up doing that, then forgive me but it is only because I can't avoid it. How much is one willing to sacrifice for one? If only sins tainted beauty than perhaps that would stop oneself from sinning at all. If only the line of cruelty appeared when you smile; your hands becomes coarse to whoever you touch or even the brightness of your eyes start to dim... And it all won't come back, no matter how hard you try to redeem yourself, no matter how much you've sacrifice, no matter how much you've suffer... The sign of sins won't fade away... The sign of the pain you've caused to others won't wash away.

Yet perhaps it does happen doesn't it?

What thoughts... Perhaps God will do that in the our next life.

Yours Truly,

Nayt.