Dear Reader,

I will have to say this much... Forget about him.

Now moving on to something perhaps different.

The things that people or "things" say about me, I think I already do know but just never found the words or the right thoughts to work them out. Or maybe I've never really tried to work them out but I just knew that there was something... I know people aren't perfect, but I like the idea that maybe someone out there is and I'd get to meet them. Now why would I want to do something like that right? Well I just do. It's the thought that someone is perfect physically and as well as mentally, it's fascinating I guess. Then again, it's always their past that ruins that image isn't it? The past doesn't really matter though does it? It's more of the current life right?

Though, I think if I was to meet a perfect person, I would try to find some sort of fault in them. I guess that fault would perhaps be something to do with emotions. Like they're so perfect they could do anything, but have they'll never know what it's like to succeed in things because they've never failed. Or at least they've forgotten what it's like to fail. If someone was perfect though, it would make sense that they were also corrupted wouldn't it? I'm thinking that, that cancels it out the perfection... But then I'm not talking about someone leading a life without sins or morals. I'm just talking about someone who is what the world would perhaps call "Incredible", someone who doesn't even have to work to be the way they are, they just are or is, which ever it may be. Reader, do you understand what I mean? Hopefully you do.

I never have asked this question to myself but someone worded it out for me and well apparently what I'm trying to understand is, "Why am I not perfect?"

There is a lot of obvious reasons to that I have to say. One thing for sure is that I'm lazy. Maybe if I wasn't diabetic it would be easier, but being diabetic, I sometimes think, it forces me to try to be perfect because I need to be in order to make sure I will still be alive in ten years time. Physically perfect anyway, but then everyone else has to be physically perfect to make sure they'll still be alive later on, don't they?

I know that I'm far off from being perfect, but I guess it's the idea about being better, doing better than others that appeals to me. So for a few seconds I would try but then I guess... Giving up is not the word... But, perhaps not bother? Or I would achieve it, but never keep it constant.

I've always thought that I am the way I am because of the past, but when I think about there was really nothing in the past that really forced me to become well what it is I am today. I know everyone has a different idea or image to who I am, but I think everyone can agree that I don't know, who I want to be. I'm a sort of extremist I guess. I for some reason can't really balance, because being just on the border is not enough for me. Like being second best... Not that, that's being on the border, but that's not good enough for me. Third place, sure, maybe. Second? Makes me wonder by how much more do I need to have been the best one. I always want to be somebody... But not a somebody that everyone would remember, because I don't think... - well or maybe there's some sort of narcissist in this about being humble - I deserve to be remembered. I guess I'm saying that because... I just want to affect people? Make them feel something and not let them think it was really me who "taught" them those "things" but it was really them who learnt their lessons. I've never told anyone to do anything against their will, I've always just told them what I thought of things and why I see it that way. In a sadistic way it's only because I enjoy the thought and the feeling that I've gotten someone to look at their life as... Well not meaningless but, maybe empty and that they just could do something more about it. I don't know why I for some reason have a bit of a thrill out of that, and yes usually the idea of someone who likes to bestow pain upon others means that, that someone is not exactly right in their head. Really, truthfully I'm not aiming to get them to become a better person, but I guess the thought of messing with their head is just... Fun.

Yours Truly,

Me.

Dear Reader,

My mind must be over worked. I am beginning to question all the physical things around me to whether they are real or not. When I look at a coffee cup, I will know what scent I will pick up, how the curves of it will fit my palm and how the coffee in it will burn my skin. I know how its handle will be only part that will not hurt me, how heavy or light the coffee cup will be, which part is rough and which part isn't. I know how my fingers will feel when I run my fingers through my hair, how I will have a perfect red circle on my cheek when push and pressure my palm into it, how my feet would feel against the marble floors of my house or against the carpet on the floor. I know how much dust to expect on a frame and how that dust would feel when I rub it between my fingers, whether the dust would be charcoal black or brown as a sheep's coat and I know how my teeth will feel extremely sharp pain jetting through them when I bite into an ice cream and how my tongue will burn when I drink tea. I know what this world feels like, smell and taste. Even of things that I've never done before I know what it will be like. I already know all of these things but the only thing I will not know is whether I will love doing it or not.

When I look at all the shapes and sizes around me, I'm beginning to look at it so hard that I can't believe it is really there. I can imagine my hand going through it, passing though it as if it was a hologram but then I would know which part of my fingers are sensitive enough to feel its coldness or its heat. I know which part of my tongue is sensitive enough to taste its sweetness or sourness and I can simply close my eyes and that sense can be replayed over and over again.

I am looking at things and am trying to find questions to ask about them. When I can't find any, I feel I am stuck and I for some reason cannot leave these questions alone. For some reason it is not my mind but my instincts that are telling me there's so much more to this. My skin, the taste buds on my tongue, my hearing and my sensitivity to scent are just not sensitive enough for me. I realize there is so much more to what I touch, taste, hear and smell but because I see these things, I know what to expect and the results are always the same. There is nothing new to the tea I taste or the cookies I eat. I can't tell how much more dust there is on my fingers or how much sour cream there is in the dip. There is so much more to the senses that I won't be able to feel unless I was blind. Unless I was born as a blind child or became blind and live the rest of my life like that... but then I would discover the uniqueness that everything has to offer. I would be able to tell which cup is much rounder and which one is much smoother...

I'm not asking for someone or something to make me blind. I'm just saying... I wish there was a way for me to enhance my senses. In this world where everything is perhaps artificial and things that can be ugly or disgusting... perhaps I just want a way to find things wonderful and not believe in what I see. I admit, I am a person who is influence by what she sees, and perhaps that makes me arrogant, but I doubt I'm the only one who does that.

There's so much more to the senses... and unfortunately we all can't experience that.

Yours Truly,
Nayt.

Dear Reader,

I'm waiting to get hurt. I know there is pain bubbling inside of me, waiting to ooze its self out of my soul. The only problem there is, is that there is no catalyst to help me speed up the process. I am in that state where one is anticipating for bad news. I know something bad is about to happen and I have no clue to what it is. I am being prepared for pain again and it bothers me that for some reason I have a need and almost an aching like feeling to mourn, to grieve and weep. I stopped myself from weeping the other day and I wish I hadn't. I should've cried even if it was for the silliest and most pathetic reasons. I know there is nothing for me to be afraid of but it feels like I have to cry for something I have not yet lost. It's happening though. It might... or perhaps will happen and I'm not sure if I could handle it again.

I am pushing that situation that might appear to the back of my mind and hope it will stay there hidden in the corner, covered with a blanket of shadows. But. Perhaps by doing that I might go sane. I'm not quite sure on what to do really. Let these doubts and questions slide... or simply just let things be and move on... I don't like making trouble really. As strange as that might sound. Or maybe... it's cause I just don't want to get hurt...

It never makes sense, does it?

Yours Truly,
Me.