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Friday, May 27, 2005
God blessed this broken road that lead me to you.
Dear... No one in particular, Autumn's Monologue by From Autumn to Ashes.
Oh why can't I be what you need, A new improved version of me, But I'm nothing so good, No I'm nothing... Just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs, Of violence of love and of sorrow. I beg for just one more tomorrow, Where you hold me down fold me in, Deep, deep, deep in the heart of your sins. I break in two over you. I break in two, And each piece of me dies, And only you can give the breath of life, But you don't see me, You don't... Here I'm in between darkness and light, Bleached and blinded by these nights, Where I'm tossing and tortured till dawn, By you, visions of you, then you're gone. The shock lifts the red from my face, When I hear someone's taking my place. How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel When all, all that I did, Was for you. I break in two over you. I break in two, And each piece of me dies, And only you can give the breath of life, But you don't see me, You don't...
I break in two over you. I break in two, And each piece of me dies, And only you can give the breath of life, But you don't see me, You don't... I break in two over you, I break in two over you,
Over you, I break in two, I would break in two for you.
Now you see me, Now you don't, Now you need me, Now you don't. Yours Sincerly, ...
posted by Nayt at 11:52 PM
2 commentss
Saturday, May 21, 2005
What is the truth that you speak of?
Dear Reader, There's always something strange about tomorrow. The feelings always different from yesterday - the emotions alter, the thoughts blurred and the feelings... The senses just numb to all except to what is now. I am here today. Today I am here. I was chosen to live today... Or rather I was not chosen to not live today. Everything is like an illusion... What the memory stores is an illusion. Perhaps now is an illusion... And now when I think about it, I am too scared to be pulled away from this magik. Have you ever notice how eerie passing trucks sound? Not one of those pick-up trucks but the big ones that you usually see on TV. The ones where they carry food, like meat or cheese. Four of them passed my house a few weeks ago. I can hardly remember what they sounded like, but I recall sitting there thinking, how beautifully melancholy it all sounds. And then - there was a leaf - This is not random I promise you, this will lead to my point - It was a green leaf though... Floating in the wind. Dancing more like it... Dancing to eerie melancholy tune of the passing trucks. It took a long time to falter down. I found it to be interesting to see something like that... It was as if, it was a reminder from God. That though perhaps even if we are young and fresh... He can easily take us away from our place... If God wills it... It looked beautiful in the air though, it was arm's length away... I could only think that the leaf was free. The leaf was free. I wonder why didn't I try to catch it when it was so close to me. Someone asked me what's my flaw. At that time I could only answer that "I don't know who I am", and yet that doesn't seem to sound right to me. I think it's 'cause I'm not the only one and if everyone else, or majority have that problem then it's not a flaw but simply human nature. And human nature is an excuse for flaws... But no one really thinks of it that way... Perhaps my flaw is that I am human. That may sound like an intriguing reply, and it is always best to make you seem like there is more to you... I don't know why, but I feel like it always is, but if I was to say that, I think the reason to it would be for the sake of manipulating someone. But. Right now. I do not have the need to manipulate, but then again... Sometimes you can manipulate someone without even trying. Yours Truly, Nayt.
posted by Nayt at 10:40 AM
1 commentss
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
I just wish I knew what to do to take that pain away.
Dear Reader, I really think I should stop explaining myself and stop trying to find reasons behind every action and motives. The more I'm trying to be truthful, the more I am confusing myself and that just keeps making me walk in circles. Sometimes things just are, or is, or are just being. And sometimes the best kind of reason is no reason at all and the best kind of motive is nothing, but just simply doing something out of sincerity. I don't need to figure things out... Not right now, I don't think I have to rush growing up, though growing older is what bothers me... Like I've said to some people though, "16 years is not enough. Think about it, we're 16 and what the hell do we know?"
Everything seems to be piling up on you now and you're starting to realize things that you never thought of before. You're beginning to be more open-minded and accepting... Well not all of us but perhaps most of us. Yet there are some things in the world we won't accept, because we refuse to and sometimes it's because we just can't. Sprite, my mischievous winged friend. I know you read my entries, well at least I hope you do. I know you're in a difficult time now and maybe hardly anything is going to make things feel right for you. I know you're very angry. I would be too... It's not fair on you that this should happen. It really isn't fair. I wish I could be there for you, just to sit beside you, either to talk so you could get everything off your chest. Or just sit in silence, I can do that too, 'cause I only want you to know that I'm there for you. You know I am... I don't know how much pain you're in but I do know you're very angry at God. I wish I could tell you why he decided to... But I don't know. I wish I did and perhaps that could either ease your pain a little or maybe make you more angered. It's not fair on you... It really isn't fair on you and I am partly angry at God for that because you don't deserve this at all. You don't deserve this. I love you so much and w.u.v.e you lots and lots and loads. Please know that, please acknowledge that. I really, really do. Yours sincerely, Me.
posted by Nayt at 10:12 AM
0 commentss
Monday, May 16, 2005
Bright Lights.
Dear Reader, I tried to do better, but that didn't happen. I'm not devastated with the performance but I know I could've done better. Well I always think I could do better. The feeling right now is neutral, I've never been so aware of the lines that I've missed and such... Wish I did better though, just to impress someone. Sounds silly doesn't it? At least to some point, I think I know... What to think in the future. Not bout the performance, but of what to say to a certain person. The truth seems to work... And perhaps that is very out of my character to be straight forward, but I feel a lot of relief just to say what I think and to tell it face to face, it's even more amazing. Only one that I know that could keep me amaze for such a length of time... Only one I know that I have not lied to... Only one I could never stop gazing at... It's a different world to me and I guess that's what makes the moments amazing. I'm dead tired right now. Did about 3 runs before the actual show started today... I'm going to go to school tomorrow though, just so that I can gaze at someone... Silly aren't I? Wish I did better though... But to quote that someone, "You always think you're doing worst when you're doing really well." That quote goes two ways for me... And I don't think you have to know what they are. Yours Truly, Me.
posted by Nayt at 10:52 PM
0 commentss
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Remember when you were me?
"Time comes to exist as a result of the comparison made between some illusions stored in the brain" - The Truth of the Life of this World by Harun Yahya. Time is passing too quickly for me and the moments that I compare to now and yesterday seems unreal. I know I am not the best, but I'm not even the better. The only thing that I have real passion for is acting. It may sound stupid to some of you, but it doesn't matter to me, because that is what I like, that is what I wish to do. I feel I cannot break this glass wall in front of me, it is not because I am weak, but because I am not strong enough. I want to escape these chains that I am wearing and slip back into them when I have too. I am not sure when I will be better... Perhaps tomorrow or the day after... But the day after will be too late. It will feel too late anyway. You have too much emotion inside of you.
I need emotion though. It is always about emotion. How can I become a character if I do not understand what they feel? You have too much of your own emotion. It is not about what you feel, but what that character feels.
I need to become an empty shell. Perhaps I will do better tomorrow. Someone's going to watch me tomorrow. Someone important and special... Someone I would like to impress. And what if that someone is not impress with you? What will you do then?
I will try again. And what if again is not enough?
I will do better... Even if no one will be there to see it.
posted by Nayt at 5:55 PM
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Thursday, May 12, 2005
That bitter taste in mouth... I only found to be misses of you.
Dear Reader,
Today was different. Seconds were more uplifting and for once I felt the eyes of colours that still confuses me, lay itself on me. Stupidly I did not look back, but for once, the feeling was different. It was new and somewhat special. Extremely special.
Things are beginning to be wonderful and as natural as it is for me to think of this... I know that this will all perhaps come crashing down if I am not careful. That doesn't matter though. The world was lost for several moments today. Everyone was forgotten because of a sincerity that made me understand why Cupid shot arrows through people's hearts. I am always given sincerity though... From friends and family and such, but when it comes from a some what stranger; a stranger whose eyes I will never stop to catch; so beautiful and perfect in their own way in my mind... I can feel the stiching of my heart begin to tighten and properly letting my heart to heal.
The world is beautiful. Life is beautiful in its own lewd way. Now the feeling of running away... Its still there, but the path is smoother. It's easier. The feeling is warmer that even the rain seems to... Sing along to praise it. Now I am walking on the path though. Nature is letting me see the flowers grow. I can almost hear the flowers blooming and the sounds that I use to find so eerie, I can finally hear whispers of tranquility behind it.
It's those few seconds. That feeling of vulnerability. Strangely enough, when I think about it, it's almost like a blur to me. I can hardly recall what happened. I would've like to have talked for a while though. Yet perhaps that could've taken the feeling away or maybe even make it stronger. I could feel the glow in the room... That connection. That feeling of connection that comes and goes... I am in love with brilliance and talent right now. I am in love with beauty and a strange elegance. I am in love with sincerity that I am so blinded with.
I admit that. And I don't care if I am wrong in the end. Perhaps it is only the surface that I am in love with, but that doesn't matter. If I could follow... follow to where ever that road may take me, then I will. To be close, to watch and wonder at such a beautiful sight. To see if our roads will cross and for a moment to have to walk together on it... That would be extraordinary. I thought it would've been wrong before... To some point but then I found my bruises softened and melted away...
The strings have been pulled, but the velvet curtain has not fallen. Yours Truly, Me.
posted by Nayt at 10:01 PM
0 commentss
Sunday, May 08, 2005
You know... It wasn't all fake.
Dear Reader,
I've been trying too hard. I've been trying too hard to be truthful to myself that what I say only contradicts each other. As I've said, I am a person who dislikes balance - well, middle is more of the accurate term; and I must either be - well I find the need that I must be - extremely good or extremely bad at things for me to be satisfied with it. I think, I could say that I have managed to separate my mind and my emotions, that by doing action, it is either purely through the cause of curiousity or the tingle of passion and I will only succumb to one or other. I am trying to hard to find myself but at the same time, I am just being... Meaning at the same time, I'm not trying to find myself at all. I know I've said that I've wanted to feel pain. Yet at the slight touch of it, I am running away. I am running away and am refusing to look or turn back to it. I will run even before that knife touches me, but I know that if I had no place to go, I would stand there, knowing and waiting for the knife to repeatedly paint me over. Lately I've been waiting for news of disappointment and anger I've caused. Yet every time I think that moment is coming, it turns out to be positive news or news that could be considered excellent. I am waiting for a thunderbolt to hit me. Only because I think I deserve it. Maybe there's some real good that I've done before that protects me from what I think I deserve. I'm trying to find some way of finding myself because I am constantly being reminded of who I was before. I have lost myself. I know that. I have lost all contact and all emotion to who I was and wanted to be. Three more years to go through. Perhaps even five, till I am passed this stage. I don't know why I am dreading "growing up." There is something to these years ahead that I feel will be empty and meaningless... Or simply just unstable. Someone once said to me, "You should always have that look in your eyes, because someday someone will come and want to take your pain away." The strangest part was, I've thought of that before. Wanting someone not to love, but wanted to take my pain away. How does that work though? It's a strange theory, I guess. I am still wondering what it is I am very angry about. I guess what was suppose to be a phase became a path for me. Sometimes I think it's like a boat sailing in a draught. Like I don't the water to keep on going, but just the wind. Yours Truly, Nayt
posted by Nayt at 10:38 PM
0 commentss
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Ladeda, don't be stupid.
Dear Reader,
Fine. Everyone wants to break down and cry. Everyone wants to grief over something, but they want to do it by avoiding actual grieving... But heck, the only way to cure grieving is to grief...
Why am I beginning to be so aware and disturb with the emotional pains around me? It's not natural. It's just not right. I'm starting to care.
Pfft.
Yours Truly,
Me.
posted by Nayt at 10:21 PM
0 commentss
Toothpick. Iceberg. It caused it to crack.
Dear Reader, Everyone is slowly breaking down around me. Some, with tears so silent and so proud, it merely stirs my own desires to feel and know what it is like to be hurt like they have. It must be a queer thing to want to hurt, to feel like there is something wringing at your wrists and tugging your hair and to have the wind slapping your tears away. I am in love with life, with living, that I admit; wanting to hurt, feel diseased, discriminated and bless, spirited and torn. To sin, and yet be pure. To live a meaningful life and yet feel nothing at all. My own hell and paradise would be to live a different thousand, billions of times, with memories and emotions of the life before. Memories of every sin I've committed; loved one lost; people I've adored; books read, movies watched... Each a different life, a billion different lives in the same century... Each a different path, each a new sensation, a new emotion and confusion. I've always thought the most wonderful thing one could do is to stir some sort of emotion in a stranger's soul. Despite the fact whether it changes them for the rest of their life or not. Everyone seems to be catching up. Their mind sets have all changed, I feel like I can't beat them anymore. It is getting clearer that everyone else is going through, what I am perhaps also experiencing, or has gone past my stage. It half frustrates me to know that others might be where I am floating and soon perhaps will be grounded before me. It is the thought that I am not alone is which that calls my attention. My two lives are merging very quickly, or perhaps it is the other life that is taking over? It is getting easier or harder, which ever, for me to express as it now comes easily. I feel rather stupid, for being able to clear things for myself so easily now, as before it would feel like some sort of advance or an improvement to which I would be proud of. Or maybe I am running in circles and to which I think I understand, is merely that gold paint that I have scratched on the surface. I have a problem with fully accepting myself, that I know, but I think the capacity of me fully accepting myself, is contently filled. This is who I am. Yes. But who am I really is the box that surrounds and borders that acceptance. And as long as the box does not swell or that border breaks, this is how much I can admittedly accept myself. I am talking in riddles I think. I want to strive through these "teenage" years alone. I want to look back and say, "Yes. I made it all on my own". That idea of keeping sanity is what prides me, but I know I would not be able to manage it, if it weren't for the people... Persons... Who are always so distantly there. I concluded that I really would lose my sanity if anything happened to them and yet I know, that once I am far from here... My biggest sacrifice would be to forget them and everyone else here, but not the emotions that they have bruised my soul with. What I have learnt so far, is that the people who say they can exactly describe what I am like, are the people who really don't know what I'm like. These past few days has felt like an empty confession. I feel like I am saying nothing in a ponderously queer manner in infinite sentences. I have begun to poison myself. Yours Truly, Nayt.
posted by Nayt at 9:28 PM
0 commentss
Sunday, May 01, 2005
God.. What was it like when you were born?
Dear Reader,
I don't really know what I'm searching for. I keep on hearing that I'm just floating around, unguided and even uninspired. I do not feel empty, meaningless or lost. I just feel that I am lacking something that I need in life. Perhaps it is real emotions that I lack of or perhaps it is something that I have that is too much that is keeping me off the ground. I keep on falling back into the sky and I'm just watching everything pass me by. I am still like a child. I don't think I really know what the world is like. It is shadows that light my room and it is the sunlight that I have seen... somewhere before... and have not felt. Perhaps I have and have not realized... or perhaps I've forgotten what it was like.
I want to be forgotten and yet remembered. Perhaps I want to be forgotten as who I am and be remembered as whom I wanted to be... or who I pretended to be... or maybe... - I'm quite torn, aren't I? I'm not in pain... I am not feeling emotionless; I am just... seemingly not there. The past doesn't really mould us does it? Nor does environment really... it is only curiousity that really shapes us. Whether to be curious or not, to try and to be. Being someone else other than you that someday... just "being" in life is never enough.
I love the idea of life. The idea that everything you do, everything done to you, everything learnt and taught... that one slight change can alter your path... yet we all know our place in life, don't we? We all have some vague idea what is like to force yourself a river... perhaps not all of us... because most of us end up drowning not because we've sunk... but because we've kept our heads so high above the water, we've forgotten what it really was like to swim... to be free... to be lost just once and to be in love with that feeling of tranquil loneliness.
What was it like before? What was it like before thoughts and emotions? What was it like to not remember, to not realize, to just not know... not feel, to not feel emptiness and just be?
They've cast a velvet upon me.
Yours Truly,
Nayt.
posted by Nayt at 12:05 AM
0 commentss
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tiny said...
dude am i so glad that im not sleeping over your house for more than one night. that song is like buzzing in my head. hehe. this is sheep btw. take care :] handsome cleopatra!!! hahaha.
tiny said...
hahahahahaha. wait! im not saying your a handsome cleopatra!! ahaha ;] your script iz coming on zee way. got another blog but i still use the xanga one as well, just click meh name!
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