Dear Reader,

The clouds move quickly. I am very unsure where I am going this time. I have no clue nor an idea to what I am leading or getting myself into. Perhaps I should've always kept things to myself. I don't want to turn cold. It is not as if I have to or must, but I am beginning to feel... I'm not quite sure what it is.

I don't really want to think about it. I'm scared I might come to a sort of negative realization. I know right now I have a need to cry because I can feel everything piling up on top of the other. Not yet though. The trigger is yet to arrive... I wonder if I have a need to cause pain to myself? I think I do at times. Emotional or physical... Again, I'm not quite sure, but I wouldn't know what to draw on myself this time... Perhaps I need attention again. Hm... I think I feel lonely. A different kind of lonely of course.

I'm not quite sure what else to say now...

Yours Truly,
Me.

Dear Reader,

What I write is meant to be read. What I feel though shouldn't be said or spoken of. I know at times, the sentences I use to express myself are ones that others would not use. Perhaps the way I describe what my emotions could sound exaggerated and at times I do wonder; though I think I speak only of what I think is real; whether I am exaggerating. Perhaps that is the curse for being very well literate and educated with words. Or perhaps I am trying to convince myself of what I feel to be real and true. Though I still doubt what I feel to be false. Yet I should shouldn't I?

I am progressing at an extremely low pace or perhaps I am not progressing at all. Though I feel I am learning things, about people, emotions and such and such, I am not learning quiet enough. Am I distracted? Perhaps. I think I am, though I try to convince myself I am not. For the first time, as first times must exist, I feel like I am no longer in control of what I want to be or do. Have I tried? I'm not quiet sure. I always feel like my energy is used - no wasted - onto something or someone else. I don't want to harden myself, but it seems I can't operate properly anymore when I am happy.

People talk about living with pain and getting through the days with it. I talk about happiness and getting through the days with it. Happiness for me, I now believe I cannot accept if it is to be eternal. I cannot keep on going through my days being happy. I cannot live with it. I can't work, I can't seem to progress with it. Being bitter and angry and hollow is an energy that I find useful. It's the energy that I use to strive to be better. Yes, I've forgotten that I've wanted to be better. It's not that I could not right now, it's more of A... Would not be better.

Now I wonder though, perhaps I want to be happy in order to feel depression afterwards. A real, strong degree of depression. I'd like to be a person of negative values, but perhaps that is not in my nature to do so. I've always said that I've wanted to feel torn down and ripped apart on the inside. To feel what it's like to cry every night just because I am hurting. I guess the one of the only things hurting me now is the thought that, that one day that one person could lose all emotion for me and knowing that I will get hurt in the end. One way or the other.

I have not told you about the one person yet have I reader?

I shouldn't. It is not for you to know. Perhaps one day... when this happiness ends.

Yours Truly,
Me.

Dear Reader,

There are things that we do that we do that are quite idiotic. Agreeing to a game where pain and emotions are bargained, the reason merely to see one's ability in handling it. We are creatures who desire a meaning, or reason to wake up, other then waiting for death and the forever-after. Why do we love? Is it a need to find a companionship? A need to find a connection? But simply, of course, because it feels wonderful to be in love. And to have that love return, only three times fold the beauty of it. So yet, why do we have the desire to bring pain upon those that we love, knowing one can avoid it easily, unless the situation locks you in such position.

There is no longer freedom, when one is in love. For every decision one makes can affect the other. You no longer have the right to your own choice. We are always bounded to temptation. Is it because of pride? Or the need to find something new and exciting. Something that would cut you deep. For what reason or purpose do we hurt another? Why can we not avoid it? Is it because we love the other too little or perhaps too much? Or do we care of our self more?

I am in love and I had made an idiotic mistake in agreeing to a game, knowing the consequences and knowing that in the end, everyone will get hurt, including myself. Why? I still wonder. The game has not yet begun and I do not intend for it to start. It is the lesser evil by pulling myself out. I am sorry for agreeing in the first place.

Yours Truly,
Me.

Dear Reader,

I've tried to write but there are things that aren't meant for your eyes to read. I've tried to express myself but it is with an energy that I am not accustomed to and so the product lacked quality. And yet, I must say at the same time I have not tried at all to write my thoughts, or feelings down. Perhaps it is because I've been expressing myself to much to certain people... I must learn to keep quiet about it now.

How far would you go to protect yourself? Your emotions? Your pride? Would you harden your heart and build yourself a wall? Or sweep death upon the emotions of the one that cares for you?

I am not who I have been. My world is moving quickly and yet, nothing has changed. Around me anyway.

Yours Truly,
Nayt.