Dear Reader,

I know I shouldn't have much to say since I'll end up repeating myself again, but I think, the reason why I have to write tonight is because I feel I have no one to turn to. I imagine that there is someone there who is simply curious to what is going on in my life. At least, I imagine that to be a possibility. It is not that nobody cares but I can swear to you that there is no one who cares enough for me, and those who could are those who I cannot turn to for more than one reason. It would be selfish of me to want them to.

I don't know when this feeling is going to end. Maybe I'm just making it worst by talking about it. I've burnt myself. I've burnt my own heart, but I would let myself die again for that lifetime I had shared with someone else. For that lifetime I could only care about.

Yours truly,
Nayt

Dear Reader,

I die a little in my sleep and it's getting harder to want to move on, to want to be better and to want someone else to care. I know I'm not trying everything because I'm getting closer to giving up. No - Not that last breath, just "hope." I had thought the world to be filled with more good intentions than bad, but I feel that through my eyes, the world has been stripped of this and is left vulnerable and susceptible to more evils. I am stuck in a shell that I am not sure how to get out of. I am trapped in the form of an emotionless girl, when I beg to fall and cry and to have the chance to let it all out. I don't know if I have the strength to hold on or even let go. How do I climb back up the steps I've always wanted to be on top of? Am I exaggerating what I feel or am I even undermining it? I want to be better, but I'm not sure what better is anymore, because it all seems childish and pointless now.

I've learnt to fear. I'm afraid of falling asleep every night feeling like this. I'm afraid that for some reason I would give up in that moment of dreams. I wish I knew for definite that there is something better coming along the way but everything fogs up and I don't know which direction to take, because I know I might want a road leading back to what was before. Is it selfish of me to feel like this? Do I deserve to feel my fingers burn wanting to hold onto something so much? Why isn't it easy for me? Why can't I just appreciate what I had and drift else where?

I left something, somewhere, some time ago. I wish I could find it, but I'm not sure when I lost what ever it is I'm trying to find.

Yours Truly,
Nayt.

Dear Reader,

It's been hard. It's still hard. Is it wrong to miss someone? I guess because of the conditions I'm in, it should be. Something has passed me by and I wonder whether I had imagine holding on to it or whether I had hope it would wrap itself around me and take me away as I watch it pass by. It's something that I can see but I can't reach, like a star that I'm not quite sure if it's really there. I'm trying to just keep moving forward but I can feel my memories holding on to my feet asking me to stop and look back... And when I let myself look back, I remember that kiss on the forehead that made me fall and tremble. I remember a moment that could paint the sky and each stroke created something more remarkable. It was a moment that made each breath hurt, because you felt like you could lose something each time.

Maybe I am still caught in that moment. I'm not one of those girls who'll say that this affection; what I feel, will last forever. I know better than that - and it's hard to say whether this is... What I feel it to be, because I'm still in "now." Could I look back and say this is what I feel it is? I could, but it could be something else. I could be greater, if I tried, but yeah. I've said it and I admit it - I've lost myself. I don't know where I'm heading and I've tried so hard to catch up but I can't and it stabs me to realize that I'm not meant to be so great. I'm not meant to be better, though I'm trying and I know I'm not trying hard enough because I'm still here. I'm still moving on.

Could you tell I hate myself? Has that point come across yet? I can't take in another smile or compliment because I can't believe in them anymore. I miss someone and I don't know who I can confess this too. They all know who I miss, but I won't say it. I can't. I'm trying to be a good person this time, I'm trying to stand on the higher ground but I'm so afraid of the height. So what do I do? I want to break but I'm so afraid to not hold myself together.

Yours Truly,
Nayt.