Dear Reader,

I just don't really know what I'm doing. I'm not sure why I'm here and I realized how these letters of mine just simply reduce me into a whimpering, little weakling. I should just stop here shouldn't I? I'm losing heart and I'm losing hope. I really am. I hurt from remembering what it was like, and I grow faint from yearning. Just kill this emotion please. Just kill it.

I have no clue as to what has really happened to me. I wonder and I question as to why I have never known this pain or agony. It breathes within me. I thought... I saw something... Some sort of tenderness in a shooting star... I should've known better than to put my faith in it.

As absurd as this may sound, well I believe it to be absurd but I can't help but to feel just a tinge of... Just maybe, just maybe things felt, or passion shared is still the same. I know I shouldn't be feeling this way but I do. I can't, I hate lying because in truth I still feel it. I must still be dressed in some sort of hallucination. I have to wake up from this. Wake me up from this because I am dieing in my sleep.

Yours Truly,
Nayt.

Dear Reader,

It makes me sick to my stomach to feel like this. This feeling or perhaps this idea that grows like a cancer in me. It's not that I try not to think of it, it's just I want to think of it without it being like a neon pain. This pain sinks into me and shoots out like a tree sprouting its leaves. It is this waiting to be numbed or to be killed under the bright light that would chill me to the bone. I am not that good anymore. I am simply just this. this. And I feel like even if I was reduced to ash, I would still be the same thing, just simply this and nothing more or anything less.

I feel like I am dragging myself through the days, not knowing whether I am picking up the pieces or clearing up the traces of me I've left behind. Have I badly stained my life this time? I don't know which part of my life I want to keep and which ones I'd just like to shelf and let it grow to die. You might try to understand but I swear to you it will make you judge me. I have tried so hard to grasp some reason, some sort of excuse even to say or believe that right now, this moment is worth it and so are the ones that will come after it. Why does "now" feel so suffocating? I feel like it won't even let me breathe on my own.

Please try to see me in this shadow that I've wrapped myself in. This. I'm just this... And now I know I can't keep up with you.

Yours Truly,
Me.

Dear Reader,

I feel like when I write now, I'm not particularly writing for anyone. I know no one's really reading this right now and only some just glance to see what's been going on in my mind. I don't like being afraid like this. I'm wanting something and yet fearing it - but I guess some people might be able to relate to that. How did I fall down so hard? I don't think anyone understands how it's draining the light out of my eyes feeling like this. I hate the idea that I might be mopping around like this for the next few months. I wish things had worked out - but who am I kidding?

I think I only imagined it to be real... And right now I think I'm still stuck imagining. I just need to know the truth right now or maybe I just need those words that will kill me. I'm afraid of losing it completely and right now it feels like that fear has been chasing me. It doesn't matter anyway. It just doesn't matter what I feel or how I die... I'll die like this - because I'm just not strong enough anymore.

Yours Truly,
Me.

Dear Reader,

I've been dreaming about demons attacking me in bed. I think that's rather peculiar especially since it's Ramadhan right now. Most of the time when I'm dreaming, I'm trying to find someone who's never there. I guess you could say it's on the borderline of obsession since it's been like this for the past 8 months. In the first 6, they were always there. It's strange I guess what I'm feeling and I say that maybe because I've never felt this before or had the experience. I wish I could be humble and say nothing about it but that doesn't feel right to me either.

It's ridiculous isn't it? I know when I look at this retrospectively, it'll be easier for me to distinguish what was real and what wasn't. Right now, I tell myself it wasn't and maybe that's so that I could handle this more easily. It's not fair - but who cares? I fell into the sky and now I have to climb back down. It's not that it's hard, I'm just trying to be careful as to not fall back again.

I'll be damned for feeling like this.
I'll be damned for still wanting this.
I'll be damned for never forgetting this.

Yours Truly,
Nayt.

Dear Reader,

The picture fades away in my mind, and my thoughts no longer trace itself along with my tears. I hardly cry but when I do, I wish I hadn't because I swear it's taking the light out of me. What is this feeling that comes down and washes over me? Why does everything feel so tainted? I wonder if I tried hard enough in anything and it makes me shake to think that I couldn't give everything in the only thing I've ever wanted. It strikes me to think that I could ever consider doing so. Did I let it slip away so easily?

At times I feel, I'm guilty of forsaking the only real love I knew so that I could love someone else. How selfish am I for wanting to be happier? I was good. I believe I was but then this happened and I find it harder to want to turn back towards the embrace that protected me for so long. Was this on purpose? Was this meant to shake me? It has and it says a lot about myself that I shamefully admit. Why did you choose to shake me when I finally was closer to dedicating everything to you?

Whatever I say, someone else must've said it before. There is nothing original in this but... Yeah. There's nothing original in this.

Yours Truly,
Nayt.