Dear Reader,

Do you think that sometimes the people you love say something negative about you because you've hurt them badly?

I like to think so.

And maybe it hurts because there's some ounce of truth in it?

Probably.

I'm just thinking that, maybe, if I had a chance to say something to someone and it would be the last thing I could say or... maybe the only thing they would know or remember - what would it be? It scares me that what I say may be meaningless or it will lose meaning once it's said. I messed up - really I did, and there's nothing I can do to change it or make it better really. I'm doing what I think is best but I feel like I am a victim to my own heart and mind, because it still feels like I'm falling. Do you understand what I mean by falling? It's wrong. I know it's wrong, but my god... it's a beautiful feeling.

I don't want to erase the memory... I just want it to be hidden... not forgotten, but like a memory that's constantly flickering at the back of my mind. Sometimes it feels like I am stuck on an on-going train and, I can't jump off it. As if, everything is inevitable. I guess we all can't have happy right now but I've been waiting in line for so long. But it's not that I'm not happy, it's just... I know I could feel more.

It's just. I don't know how to make things okay between us. I want not to want you. I want to look at you and not think about how I feel about you. I want you in my life without being afraid of you walking out of it. I want to be able to say that you are one of my best friends and you are the closest thing to me. I want to be able to hold your hand without fearing what it might mean to you. I want to be able to kiss your cheek to remind you that I love you the way that I know you. I want to be able to hold you and to have you hold me like you weren't going to let me go, that you won't let me fall, that you weren't going to let me hurt myself the way I have. Hurt myself like I did because I wanted to catch up with you. I wanted to be where you are. I wanted you to like me again.

I wish I hadn't let you go but there was nothing else I could do. I couldn't hold on to you. I don't know how. And I feel like writing this only makes you hate me more - but I have to. I just want to write this pain out.

Yours Truly,
Me.

Dear Reader,

Tomorrow will be a month since I've restrained myself from speaking to the other. You do understand what I mean by other yes? I'm sorry but once again I can't explain that at all. It must seem a bit pathetic that I'm counting the days, but truthfully I'm not. I just happen to know that the last time we've spoke was the 12th. That's all... and I guess it's better like this. Instead of hurting each other, it's alright to... I guess - move on with unhealed wounds?

I know that for most of you, not having closure is never a good thing. Well, I'm generalizing when I say most of you - but anyway, I guess right now, I just keep thinking, "What is there left to say really?" So what's the point of closure when really... yeah...

Yet, at the same time, I have to admit - of course there are a lot of things that I wanna say out loud... but I don't want to think about it. I don't want to form my thoughts into words. Not now. This will always hurt, but heck, best thing I can do is just to forget that pain right?

When I think of it... It's kinda sad that by the age of 17, this is what my life has turned into. It shouldn't have happened this way - Don't you think so? I should have pass through the last couple of years, just smiling and wondering and realizing - no I'm not interested. I should have fallen in love at a later age. With the right person soon. Maybe he'd break my heart and then I'll meet someone else after that - just feeling confuse and not wanting to fall again... but for some reason I would - because... I don't know...

Before, it was like... Fall in love with me. We were suppose to meet so long ago. We're way behind... but it was foolish of me to think like that, wasn't it?

It doesn't matter now.

This will just past.

Yours Truly,
Me.

Dear Reader,

It feels like my whole life is being shaped and formed right now and I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. And even though, I might not be as happy as I was but what has passed was an experience that knocked me right over and I am blessed and thankful for it - despite what the circumstances were - and I will never be the same because of it. It was beautiful, it shattered me, it dismantled me and it made me rise again and I am better in ways that I can only describe as a feeling that makes me feel like I am closer, so much closer to something that is beyond what was destined for me.

I love you - The rest of my life are in those words and we will never know each other in that way again.

Yours Truly,
Me.