Dear Reader,

I am unsure where I'll be safe now and I find it difficult to continue writing to you. It is not because I have nothing to say but rather that all that I could say should be left unsaid. I find that I seem to refuse to want to know in any depth of what it is I feel and there are moments when I am remembering things that I shouldn't be recalling at all. It is not that I chose to forget, but I rather that I don't think of it. Repress and deny. I don't care what it takes. What happened, happened and I don't know how much it is suppose to mean to me. I want to capsulize my emotions and hide it - bury it in the sky - let the stars swallow it whole.

Nothing good will come. Not where I'm standing anyway.

Everything that I write to you here, it's only what I want you to know, and all that you know is only a bit of what I believe in.

Whatever it is in my letters that you come to conclude, then that's only a bit of what you could see that I can't. Just don't hold back what it is that I should know, because I can't see past of what it is that I've come to believe in.

Yours Truly,
Me.

Dear Reader,

Do you know the song "Hemorrhage" by Fuel? Well, I hadn't heard it until last year and this was because someone had told me that this was what he felt for me. I came across the song again a few days ago and this time I made myself listen to it properly - To take the words in and dared myself to understand what it was being said.

I remember he had thought and he had wanted to say that everything in his life, everything he had done was directed towards me, but I stopped him from completing his sentence because I knew what he perceived to be true was not a fact. I lingered around him because I thought I could like him a bit more each day and he was sure that I was the one he would love. In his exact words - "I thought you were the one who I could say I love you to." What made me pull away with a guy so sincere with his emotions and words?

I just felt nothing.

I think my life works in strange ways where my thoughts would manifest and walk into the door, as in what I want would come in some form or another. I rarely would have to say out loud what I wanted, it would just come. It was only time till it did, but then there's been some things that came that made me realize, I may have gotten what I wanted but I did not want what I had. It is strange how one could think that there are some things that just feel so real - like air that becomes wind. Are you following? Just think about that for a moment. Well... He had thought so highly of me that all of his goodness just seemed repulsive afterwards. There was some sort of filth in goodness and I mean goodness in the traditional sense - he felt that his best trait was honesty and he could not keep some things from me. I hadn't ask anything and yet he was compelled to tell me everything.

I just didn't care for what he had to say.

Maybe because I was trying to deal with my own pain. It just wasn't right for me to move on like that. Had I tried, I'm unsure whether that would've been a step forward or a step backward. I've tripped a couple of times and right now I'm unsure where I stand. I wish it was easy for me to fall into traditional steps and follow man's perception of what should be, but I'm unsure whether I had follow those steps before... I think I imagined I did.

He knew what I was feeling. He knew what I felt. He knew what was running through my mind and yet he stayed and he tried because he believed so much that what he saw was me. I can't recall how it ended - but in the end I was right. I wasn't the star that he thought he saw, I was just a light that died away.

He's with someone else now I think and he told me he loves her.

Basically I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's scary how you think that something is so real... when in fact it's just not, or maybe it was real in that moment and that was what was lost. That moment got lost.

So, I guess some things can be real, but even real can't last.
Then again, I guess, the thinking is nothing can ever last.

I don't know what to think but I think it's best that I don't try to evaluate. However, you know those moments that I said got lost? I think what we found real to us lasted there and if in my life, if what I feel is real to me, lasts till the second after my last breath - then what was real lasted my lifetime and that's forever to me.

I guess the other thing is that we would want to know whether we were the only one who felt it was. Yet again, I think for myself... I don't need to hear it out loud - because I just know, even though I wish it was otherwise.

Yours Truly,
Me.

It's not about it lasting.
It's about letting it survive.
It's just living our lives that makes this feeling grow.